Round Two, With A Vengeance! (Round Two, Phase 1, Day 1)

So yeah, I had done two half-assed load days last weekend, but didn't really do them right because I was traveling for work and super busy. And I didn't have my drops with me (you're supposed to start drops on load days, so that your first lo-cal day is actually day 3 of drops). Then on the evening of my second load day, I got what seemed to be the stomach flu and was laid out flat for two days. Seemed like a pretty easy and natural way to switch to 500 cals to me, but my coach/friend Shannon said I should just wait until I was well and could do an honest load up.

So then I found myself 6 pounds up and facing two MORE load days. But I just ate pretty healthy the last few days, nothing extreme, and got my weight back under 200.

Now TODAY, I load up for the second time in a week. This sounds awesome to all of you in perennial diet land, right? It's so weird, but it actually isn't awesome. It's kind of sickening. I went to the grocery store last night and bought all the fattening, carb-y foods that I haven't been having, and honestly, as God is my witness, I was having a hard time thinking of things to eat. When I was on the VLCD (very low-calorie diet) portion of the diet the first time (during which I lost 31 pounds), I used to fantasize about what I would eventually eat. I've been instructed to try and eat lots of healthy fats and as many calories as I can possibly consume over the next two days. I did get my favorite ice cream, Cheetos, and oh, yeah right, the healthy fats like guacamole, salmon, chicken salad, egg salad. I'm going to have pizza one night with this really yummy spicy chocolate pudding that I have been offered (and have refused, faithfully) three times in the last three months. Do you notice I am not exactly craving filet mignon and truffle-saffron infused new potatoes in a port wine reduction? I mean, Cheetos and Ben & Jerry's? It is all so pedestrian and American. Sigh.This tells me that, at heart, I am not a foodie.

But honestly? And I know you don't believe me. But I could do without it. I don't know if it's having permission that takes the fun out of binge eating or if something has really changed in me over the last 12 weeks, but I am just "meh" about everything. I'm finding that the cravings I have for unhealthy fats and carbs have more to do with my emotional state than with hunger or taste. When I started this diet and heard about someone who cut out sugar and flour forever as a result of this diet, I couldn't imagine it. 3 months later, it still sounds less than ideal, but I could imagine it. I hope I don't have to do it, but it doesn't seem like a fate worse than death.

I know, it's crazy. I'm totally full of shit. I have eaten stuff I wasn't supposed to eat over the last three months for sure, despite all this talk about how I can totally live without it. I guess what I'm saying is that when I am calm and in my right mind and eating solely because of hunger and taste, I can resist just about anything. It's those flash cravings, the I MUST HAVE SOMETHING SWEET RIGHT NOW that are hard to resist, and those are not based on real hunger or real taste--I would eat anything sweet in that state, including Twinkies or

Anyway. I'm eating like it's going out of style for two days, then Friday I go back on 500 calories a day. I have been dreading and anticipating the hunger and boredom for weeks, and many times have considered just blowing off the second round. But now that it's here, I'm excited and ready to go. This schedule should have me finishing up my forty days in mid-March.

Meanwhile, I'm training for a 10k in early April (it's a progressive walk/run program). I'm not sure I'll be able to do the full training while eating so few calories, but all I can do is try and see. The worst that can happen is that I'll pass out and fly off the back of the treadmill like one of those sad sacks on the Biggest Loser.

Not sure if I'll post every day in my second round of shrinking, or if I'll need to. We'll see how it goes. Meanwhile, I think I need to revisit my book and protocol. I have forgotten lots of stuff.