There are two possible reasons: 1) Remember that ONE ELBOW of mac and cheese that I ate on Saturday night? I know you aren't supposed to have any starch at all; they even discourage powdered stevia for the amount of starch/binder in that. I honestly didn't think that small amount made a difference, but it seems like it probably did. So am I really in the position of losing 2+ weight loss days out of my last week because I ate one elbow of mac and cheese, which was totally not worth it? It would appear that is my situation. 2) I ran out of voodoo drops on Friday unexpectedly, so I was taking a lot less than I normally take until I could get more (planned for Monday night, when I was already scheduled to see Shannon). Since I
Kristoise would say it is the scale's inaccuracy or some normal bodily vicissitude that will correct itself. But look. I have deviated from the food plan exactly twice: once for a modicum of organic, free range turkey on Thanksgiving and once for one elbow of mac and cheese (have I mentioned yet that it was only ONE ELBOW!?!?!?!?) Both times I stalled or gained. I have deviated from the rest of the plan three times: I was using mint toothpaste early on (which you're not supposed to use with the homeopathy drops) and I was unwittingly using a Burt's Bees lip balm with oil in it, and I was taking about 1/4 of the recommended dosage of the HCG on Friday and Saturday. When I fixed those three things, the plateaus broke. So in my small case study of one, I have learned the following important lesson, which I guess I could only learn for myself despite being told it again and again by Shannon and others: FOLLOW THE FUCKING DIET. :) *
I only have three regular blog readers that I know of (at least commenters), and two of you know me well enough to know that I am not exactly a world-famous optimist. The third has been reading along long enough to have probably figured that out! I have been thinking and thinking this morning about the concept of self-sabotage--it seems a very common phenomenon that when someone breaks through a meaningful or symbolic barrier for them (under 200 pounds, back to their wedding weight, etc.), they fuck it up and gain it back within the next week. So I've been thinking, did I eat that ONE ELBOW of mac'n'cheese because I couldn't handle being under 200? Did I let my drops run out because I couldn't handle the success I'm having?
The possibility of this kind of self-sabotage doesn't resonate deeply with me...I don't feel like I'm afraid of success on this diet. But I also wouldn't put it past me or discount it entirely. I would honestly not be surprised if I uncovered some self-sabotage underneath everything if I really spent some time on it.
But here's the thing. Today, I am really not down at all about losing 2+ of my final 7 days of weight loss because of ONE ELBOW of macaroni and cheese or getting hubristic about not needing the drops. I was sort of beating myself up for fucking up almost out of habit, but I dunno, maybe Olivia** is starting to rub off on me, but I sort of look at this last-minute backtrack as a gift. And here's why:
1) After weeks of worrying about maintenance, I have started to get cocky about it and drink the kool-aid that it will be magically easy for me to resist foods that are bad for me. I think I needed to be pulled up short and reminded that I am someone who struggles with food. I just am, and I probably always will be. I'm hoping this weight loss gives me a jump start and motivates me to want to keep it off through healthy eating and exercise, but I am never going to be a person who looks at a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream and says "meh, I could take it or leave it." So on Saturday night, KNOWING that any starch at all could jeopardize DAYS of weight loss, I said, "fuck it, I'm eating one elbow of macaroni and cheese just to get the taste of it."
2) I have got to chill the fuck out about a pound gain here, a pound loss there. Gaining at the very end and not really making a federal case about it in my own mind feels really nice; like I am letting out a breath I have been holding in.
3) Similar to #2, being gentle with myself feels kind of liberating. This is something I
4) For the cost of a pound or two and a stall of at least two days, I learned that Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (called "macken" in my house) is not good. It just isn't. When you shovel it mindlessly into your mouth and get hit with that nice salt and fat combo (see David Kessler's excellent book, the End of Overeating, for more on how the salt+fat+sugar trifecta gets you addicted to processed food), you feel good, and it tastes warm and comforting and yummy. It used to be one of my favorite "crap" foods. But when you have been eating a lot of air pie for 35 days, what it takes like is cheap, pasty, grainy pasta with watery, salty, flat-tasting cheese-ish sauce. More than learning that macken isn't good, I learned that some foods I used to love aren't good. I hope to carry that through to maintenance and beyond and learn to taste foods anew each time to discover if they are worth the time and calories before mindlessly eating then. This discovery alone was worth the cost.
Let me stop there lest you think the lady doth protest too much if she feels the need to write 101 reasons why she doesn't care at all that she gained/stalled. The bottom line is, I'm okay. Happy, even. I'd hoped to lose 35 pounds on this diet, and I still might. But if I only lose 30, it's okay. It's all good. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing--I'll try to get a walk today, drink plenty of water, eat foods that are protocol-approved, and NOT EAT EVEN ONE MACARONI ELBOW! I need to "watch and work and [not] give up." (~Anne Lamott)
My last day of drops is this Friday, then I go three more days on 500 calories, then Tuesday, a week from tomorrow, is my first day on maintenance.
*For those of you who are still skeptical about why or how someone's weight could be affected by all these seemingly silly and random rules, I have thoughts on that beyond the alleged chemical interactions of these foods. I'm going to do a separate post on that, hopefully later today if the ole day job doesn't interfere too much.
**Olivia is my groovy HCG diet buddy; can't even remember how we connected now, but we are on the same general P2 timeline, very close in weight, and have other similarities that have to do with a general willingness to try alternative/hippie dippie shit (does that sound fair, Olivia?) and a thoughtfulness about weight loss that is not characteristic of your average "ZOMG, I am sooo fattt" LOL" twitterer. Olivia is into EFT (or, what she calls "tapping") and Jesus***, and knows far more about these two topics than either of my two readers or myself. She is also a super optimist, a lovely soul, and someone who constantly looks on the bright side. She lives on the West Coast and we have never met.
Olivia blogs publicly at http://happyluau.blogspot.com/ and she also has a private HCG weight loss blog. She may or may not be willing to share that private blog with you, but she might if you prove yourself to be a caring and sensitive soul on the HCG journey yourself, and if you walk over hot coals and give her a tribute of four gold shekels, she might be willing to give you access. No promises.
***for some idea, the idea of hyperlinking Jesus to a Wikipedia article in the same way you would link FIFA cracks me up.
| Day 29 | 11/29/2010 | 203.2 | -0.4 | -26.4 |
| Day 30 | 11/30/2010 | 203.2 | 0.0 | -26.4 |
| Day 31 | 12/1/2010 | 201.4 | -1.8 | -28.2 |
| Day 32 | 12/2/2010 | 201 | -0.4 | -28.6 |
| Day 33 | 12/3/2010 | 200.8 | -0.2 | -28.8 |
| Day 34 | 12/4/2010 | 199.6 | -0.8 | -30 |
| Day 35 | 12/5/2010 | 200.8 | 1.2 | -28.8 |
| Week 5 summary: down 2.8# this week; 28.8 total | ||||
| Day 36 | 12/6/2010 | 200.8 | 0.0 | 28.8 |
Ha, ha, Kat, thank you, my dear. I am GLAD that something positive about me is rubbing off instead of something negative. (When I was first reading I thought, "Oh no, she cheated because I cheated!"--whew!) I appreciate the kinds words!
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes, be gentle. Unless we learn to be, we will STAY FAT--this is part of the cycle that keeps us fat! I tied this in with a childhood pattern of a mother who actually physically beat me regularly--and learned that I was carrying this on by "beating" myself up now--by overeating and then feeling badly and punishing myself with my thoughts. It is a deeply held pattern that serves no good purpose.
Kat, this still could be your scale and something psychological interacting. Whatever it is, I would--yes--be gentle and move on. 28.8 is incredible.
My good friend Rick told me that his wife (who was on a medically supervised fast in Spain) would eat nothing for a month or maybe even longer and there were days when she would not lose or else gain. The doctors said that this was perfectly normal as the body was compensating for losing weight so fast.
So it might be nothing and you are trying to tie this all together and make sense of it.
I would let it go (as you sound like you are) and move on for the last five days. Yay times three.
And in the meantime, I am positive the voodoo drops do something but what I don't know...we'll find out on Sat, Sun, and Monday, won't we? If we make it to Monday. I'm giving myself grace and will fall off when I need to. This was a long run.
Onward! And thanks for calling me "groovy" :) And all the other nice stuff!
hey doll,
ReplyDeletewell, since you know what i will say, i won't bother. but you are right (about my opinion), and it was only one elbow! it defies any logic that it could cause a 1lb gain. of course, it sounds like you are not sweating it too much anyway, but i had to chime in. and given your overall weight loss trend, i have no doubt that you will once again be under 200 by the end of this diet, and that is totally awesome.
also, fyi, in my mini version of your diet, i am pretty much not restricting type of food at all, just calories; i.e. i eat starch and drink diet soda and all that jazz. and i have lost 0.75lb/day. less than your average, yes, but i think that it provides some evidence against the evils of a single elbow of mac n' cheese. in fact, i ate a small bowlful of mac n' cheese one day and still lost weight. (if you can cite single person anecdotal evidence, so can i)
I just want to say that I love all three of you. That is all.
ReplyDeleteThe 100's are still calling your name! And yes I would say "Follow the Fucking Diet" again to you---because it is just easier and you know you will get the best results if you do! You are doing great and in the home stretch and I think you will rock maintenance just like you have this phase. : )
ReplyDelete