All That Stuff I Said Yesterday? Scratch That (Round 2, Phase 3, Day 1)

I was going to entitle this post "Uncle," as in "I give up and cry uncle." Why? Because I've decided to stop phase 2 (VLCD and drops) and go into phase 3 (maintenance) as of 3:00 this morning when my hunger woke me for the third night in a row. But this time, I couldn't get back to sleep. I've been awake since then, thinking about the pep talks I got yesterday, thinking about my resolve (renewed only yesterday!) to give this at least another week before giving up on it. I've been awake since then thinking about how I was going to do my 10k training run this morning (70 minutes long including 45 minutes of running) on 3 egg whites. I've been thinking about how badly I want to stick with this, mostly just so I can say that I didn't quit.

The more I thought about it, the more I thought all my reasons for taking a break were better, more solid, and healthier than my reasons for continuing. And that's why I decided not to call this post "Uncle" after all. I am choosing to look at this as listening to my body and intuition rather than giving up or giving in.

Look, this diet works. I lost over 30 pounds in the first 40 days. It was honestly not even that hard. I was hungry at first, but I was losing so much weight it was worth it. I didn't feel weak or tired or low energy. I didn't feel mentally foggy or irritable or anxious. If anything, I felt better than ever. I felt bored with the food choices by the end, but not deprived. Not a single one of my fears about this diet came true, and the first round was awesome. My first maintenance went pretty smoothly; I was up and down a bit, but I feel like I "stuck my number."

For people researching this diet and stumbling across this post: I really can't say enough good about it. It has worked wonders for me.

But round 2 has felt hard and even unnatural from the beginning. It's partially that I feel less desperate, and therefore less willing to take extreme measures or feel extreme discomfort. It's partly that I'm training for this damn 10k, which I feel excited about and proud of, but which may be incompatible with the VLCD (after all, I am burning 400-600 calories in a typical training session and eating 500-700 on training days. It's just not enough fuel). It's partly that I have some strange hormonal stuff going on in my body this month (I won't bore the male readers with my lady stuff). It's partly that I have been trying (and failing)to get away with a few cheats, like a diet coke here and there or an extra fruit or protein when I'm really starving. It's partly that in the last week, I have changed up my meds (antidepressants) a bit, and that can have short or long-term effects on weight. It's partly that I feel like I am approaching what is probably an ideal weight for me, which has got to make the weight loss slower and harder.

Or it could be the combination of all those things together is making this round harder than I'm willing to put up with. Perhaps if I had only one of those things going on, it wouldn't feel so hard.

Whatever the reason, most of round 2 has been miserable. The first few days were pretty easy because I had loaded up well, but ever since, I have felt starving and sleepy and cranky. This isn't the right time for this diet for my body, and it has been trying to tell me that. Instead of trying to "gut it out" like I almost always do, I am going to gracefully and proactively stop before I have a big self-destructive cheat. This worked for me the first time, and I could tell it was working because it didn't feel like a starvation diet, but I was losing weight. This time, it does feel like a starvation diet, which means something isn't right.

This diet works. I have lost 42 pounds since Halloween! I am at the lowest weight I've seen since before my first pregnancy in early 2004, seven years ago. I can wear regular clothes in regular stores!

But most important of all, I kind of think I look decent. How's that for bragging? I like the way I look in clothes now. I like the shape of my body so much better. I do not constantly castigate myself when I look in the mirror. I give myself the occasional compliment.

So today I start 8 weeks of maintenance. I'm going to do a full round of maintenance (which is 8 weeks after the second round) even though I only half a round of HCG drops. I'm a little worried that the overtraining and undereating may have messed with my metabolism a bit, and I want to really get firmly set at this new weight in the high 180's. If I lose a little more naturally, great. If not, I'll decide in 8 weeks if I want to get the last 15-20 off using HCG or doing something else. I'm finishing up round to at 187.6, which means I have another nice, natural ceiling of 190 to watch out for during maintenance. It's a good psychological stop to have it be a nice round number that changes your tens digit.
 

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss: Round 2	Total Loss: Cumulative
Starting Weight (11/1/2010): 229.6
Weight @ End of Round 1 (12/14/2010): 198.2 (loss of 31.4 lbs)
Starting Weight, beginning of Round 2 (1/26/2011): 199.6
LD 1	1/26/2011	199.6	-
LD 2	1/27/2011	203	3.4
1	1/28/2011	204.6	1.6
2	1/29/2011	200.2	-4.4
3	1/30/2011	198.8	-1.4	-1.4	30.8
4	1/31/2011	198.2	-0.6	-1.6	31.4
5	2/1/2011	197	-1.2	-2.4	32.6
6	2/2/2011	195.6	-1.4	-4.0	34
7	2/3/2011	194.2	-1.4	-5.4	35.4
Week 1: down 5.4 for the week (not counting load weight), 35.4 total
8	2/4/2011	193.6	-0.6	-6.0	-36
9	2/5/2011	193.2	-0.4	-6.4	-36.4
10	2/6/2011	192.6	-0.6	-7.0	-37
11	2/7/2011	193	0.4	-6.6	-36.6
12	2/8/2011	191.4	-1.6	-8.2	-38.2
13	2/9/2011	189.8	-1.6	-9.8	-38.8
14	2/10/2011	189.4	-0.4	-10.2	-40.2
Week 2: down 4.8 for the week, down 10.2 total in Round 2, down 39.2 overall
15	2/11/2011	188.4	-1.0	-11.2	-41.2
16	2/12/2011	188.6	0.2	-11.0	-41
17	2/13/2011	188.8	0.2	-10.8	-40.8
18	2/14/2011	189	0.2	-10.6	-40.6
19	2/15/2011	188	-1.0	-11.6	-41.6
20	2/16/2011	187.6	-0.4	-12.0	-42
Week 3: down 1.8 for the week, down 12.0 total in Round 2, down 42 overall.

So bring it on, maintenance! I'm ready for ya.

DAMN IT (Round 2, Phase 2, Day 19)

Down a pound today, but was hoping for a bigget break to the recent stall. Boo. This whole week feels like a wasted week so far.

My rebellious teenage side has been resistant to buckling down, but I'm recommitting today. If I'm gonna do it, I should just fucking do it even if I think the rules don't all make sense. No more whining, no more complaining, no more moping around. I'm giving it one week. One week of following this diet to absolute perfection, one week to see how much I can lose when I do things perfectly (although, I am still going to run 3 days a week and eat extra calories on those days).

My motto this week: STFU and do the damn diet.

Stalled (Round 2, Phase2, Day 18)

OMFG this is dragging, especially now that I'm stalled. Why I am I stalled? The possible reasons are legion. The top two contenders are 1) a pretty major cheat on Saturday (babysitting swap at a neighbor's house and ate probably 300-400 calories of their corn chips, wheat thins, dried apricots and peanuts). They tell you on this diet that a cheat will show up for several days in a row. 2) My period; when I got my period in Round 1, I stalled for a few days too.

I've been saying I would probably stop at 23 days, but now that I'll hit that this week, I don't want to, especially on the heels of a stall. Interesting conversation with R this morning. He's been against the diet since Day 1, but now that I am so close to just finishing, he says it is his opinion that I should just knock it out and finish the 40 days.

15	2/11/2011	188.4	-1.0
16	2/12/2011	188.6	0.2
17	2/13/2011	188.8	0.2
18	2/14/2011	189	0.2

Meanwhile, I have been on this diet for Thanksgiving, Christmas, both my kids' birthdays,both my parents' birthdays, my birthday, and now Valentine's Day. Dieting this time of year is not for pussies.

I'm learning less about my habits and my behaviors this time around. It just feels like a slog, like something I have to endure. Maybe that's just where I am right now.

I need a loss tomorrow, and I need a decent loss. I'd really like to get under 187, which seems unlikely, but that's what I'm wishing for. My motivation needs a boost.

Leave  me some motivating comments!

Still Going Renegade (Round 2, Phase 2, Day 15)

I am being far from perfect on this diet this time around, and I was pretty damn close to perfect in Round 1.

Here are the diet tenets I am following:

• HCG drops 3x a day (was doing 12, upped it to 15 to see if helped with hunger)
• Eating 99% protocol foods
• Eating VLCD (I have gone as far as 700 cals, but only on days when I run)
• Drinking tons of water.
• Absolutely, positively no sugar or gluten

Here's where I'm being a bad-ass renegade:

• Diet coke! Drank it a few days in a row and didn't notice a change in weight loss, so I'm having some more often. I know this is something I should forgo because it is chemical crap, but it just keeps me from feeling so deprived.
• Mixing vegetables. Today I had 2 c of salad with all core vegetables. Tonight I'm going to have shrimp with sugar-free salsa.
• A few, small, rare foods that are not on protocol. Ex: 3-5 rice crackers (no sugar, no gluten) last night, protein shake this morning before running (with stevia, not fake sugar or real sugar) and a banana. My run felt fantastic this morning. Much better than when I eat eggs.
• More slacking on measuring vegetables. Spinach is less than 20 calories a cup. Does it really matter if I have 2 or 3 cups?

I'm torn on this. Part of me feels like if I'm going to do this, I should just do it and do it perfectly. Part of me thinks that if I was doing it perfectly, I would have already quit this round. I'm still losing weight at a decent rate even without worrying about wearing gloves when I handle oily food and whether I mix my vegetables at lunch. I also know it is a slippery slope, and part of what I think is great about how strict this diet is that it doesn't give you any room to wiggle, which makes you more successful. Although I'm doing ok even with this amount of wiggle room, will it be a slippery slope to more and more wiggling, eventually resulting in failure?

End of Week 2 (Round 2, Phase 2, Day 14)

A very solid but not overwhelmingly impressive end to my second week back on the HCG plan, except for two things: 1) I am officially in the 180's and have been for two days in a row! 2) I have now lost 40 pounds since Halloween.
 

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss: Round 2	Total Loss: Cumulative
LD 1	1/26/2011	199.6	-
LD 2	1/27/2011	203	3.4
1	1/28/2011	204.6	1.6
2	1/29/2011	200.2	-4.4
3	1/30/2011	198.8	-1.4	-1.4	30.8
4	1/31/2011	198.2	-0.6	-1.6	31.4
5	2/1/2011	197	-1.2	-2.4	32.6
6	2/2/2011	195.6	-1.4	-4.0	34
7	2/3/2011	194.2	-1.4	-5.4	35.4
Week 1: down 5.4 for the week (not counting load weight), 35.4 total
8	2/4/2011	193.6	-0.6	-6.0	-36
9	2/5/2011	193.2	-0.4	-6.4	-36.4
10	2/6/2011	192.6	-0.6	-7.0	-37
11	2/7/2011	193	0.4	-6.6	-36.6
12	2/8/2011	191.4	-1.6	-8.2	-38.2
13	2/9/2011	189.8	-1.6	-9.8	-38.8
14	2/10/2011	189.4	-0.4	-10.2	-40.2
Week 2: down 4.8 for the week, down 10.2 total in Round 2, down 39.2 overall

 
Today is my 35th birthday. I am realizing how much celebrating is done with food, because while I have made it through many other people's  birthdays without eating celebration food and have managed to have minimal resentment, almost everything I want to do today involves food. Special breakfast, special dinner, cake, ice cream, a movie with popcorn... 

But what I really want for my 35th birthday is just to lose a little more weight and be DONE with the shrinking and VLCD, so I am going to persevere through the temptation! The better I persevere, the more successful I'll be and the sooner this will be over. 

Someone brought peanut butter cookies to a meeting today, special for me on my birthday, and I didn't have any.

Crossing into the 180's has been very good for motivation, which continues to flag.I'm honestly still not sure if I will do this beyond 23 days. I'm trying just to let go and see what happens and see what I feel like.

For both my long training weeks this week, I have added eggs in the morning (~100 extra calories of protein to the existing 500 VLCD) and I have lost both times. I am still hungry and do not feel like I am performing at peak performance on these runs, but I am making it work for now.

So far, I'm not ready to give up on either the diet or the running.

What a Difference a Day Makes (Round 2, Phase 2, Day 12)

I know I must come across as totally schizophrenic. But I'm feeling positive again, mainly because I had a nice loss and feel like maybe this is working. I was down 1.6 today for a total of 8 pounds in 12 days (not counting load up weight. If I count load up weight, I'm down 13.2 pounds in 12 days).

Yes it's less weight than last time, yes it's less percentage of total weight, but it's still decent. Yesterday I had one egg + three egg whites in the morning (in addition to my regular protocol foods) because I was planning a long run. I still lost. I will do the same tomorrow.

I think I have mentioned that I am working with a local HCG coach, and she sent me an email this morning advising me to choose--I either have to stop training for the 10k or stop doing the diet. I think she made this suggestion based her read of the frustration I was feeling the last few days, but even when I said I was determined to stick it out at least the minimum of 23 days for a short round, she said she doesn't think that's a good idea. I also think that she is probably frustrated that I am monkeying around with her program--her philosophy is either do it right or don't do it at all. And it's true, I have had these small cheats almost every day--1/2 an extra grapefruit, an extra 20g of chicken, a cup of chicken broth, salsa, etc. I think those small cheats are the only thing that have kept me from an absolute binge when I am super hungry late at night. But I've still managed to lose 8 pounds in 12 days even with those cheats. Maybe I would have lost 10 or 15 if I hadn't been doing the cheats, but what is the harm of experimenting with it a bit?

Don't you love how, yesterday, I was all pissed about losing only 6 pounds in 11 days and now I am all happy about losing 8 lbs in 12 days? I fully recognize that I am ridiculous. I will be the first to admit it.

The coach's beef is not only about the cheating, it's really that she says it isn't a good idea to do any intense training during the VLCD portion of the plan. And the training I'm doing is intense (at least for me): it is training sessions 3x a week of roughly 70 minutes each where I alternate walking and running. This week was running for 3 minutes and then walking for 2 and repeating that 13 times. Next week will be running for 4 minutes and walking for 2. I am definitely wasted after these sessions, which is why I added in the egg white omelets. The treadmill tells me I am burning 600 calories in 70 minutes so it seems fine to add an extra 100 calories to my day.

I'm feeling frustrated and unsure...on the one hand, I finally feel motivated to actually stick this out for awhile, so why not just finish it, at least 23 days? On the other hand, someone who knows a lot more about this says I should stop, and I want to stop SO BAD because I am hungrier. I'm sitting here tonight thinking, "fuck it, I should just stop, finish the 10k training, and pick it up again in the late spring to lose the last 20." But I don't know. It's kind of working, even with my naughty modifications.

What to do, what to do? This diet is hard enough when you have people encouraging you every step of the way, when you have people actively telling you to stop, it's even harder to stay on the path.

It is 8:30 p.m. here on the east coast, and I feel like I would sell my soul for a handful of peanuts and a slice of cave-aged triple-cream brie on a crusty baguette.

Going Off the Reservation (Round 2, Phase 2, Day 11)

I think I've really gone off the reservation now.

Sunday was another day of cheating in the lamest, most unsatisfying and unfulfilling way you can imagine. Cheats from Sunday:

• a cup of store-bought chicken broth sipped from a mug, because I was so hungry and so cold (ran out of heating oil, no heat for three days til delivery on Monday, the bastards). I looked at the ingredients, which were all P2-approved foods (chicken, celery, water, spices) except for the very last ingredient: honey. The broth was 25 calories a cup, so any sugar was minimal, but it was there, and I ate it knowing it was there.
• at a Super Bowl party Sunday night, I had about 10 steamed shrimp with salsa in addition to all my regular food for the day. I thought maybe it would be okay because it's a protein, which helps prevent water retention. The salsa was sugar-free, but included off-protocol veggies in the ingredient list (like green peppers), and of course it was mixed vegetables, which is not allowed. But MAN was it good. It was so flavorful and delicious.

Today my weight was up a bit, I guess because of the "cheating," but it just seems so insignificant compared to eating a pan of brownies. And before Kristi chimes in to talk about scale margins of error, even if you look at a longer period of time, I'm down about a half a pound in four days this week. Almost every day, I've had an extra half portion of fruit or protein or an extra tablespoon of milk. I don't think this is self-sabotage; I really don't. I'm worried that I just don't care enough this time.

As I've mentioned, I've been training for this 10k. The last two times that I've had long runs while on the VLCD, I have been miserable the rest of the day--low energy, starving, and grumpy, and no accelerated weight loss to show for it. This morning, I knew I had a long run, so I ate scrambled eggs before I went running: one whole egg + 3 eggwhites, which should be less than 100 calories. According to the treadmill, I burned over 500 calories today, so I figured the extra 100 calories would be harmless. But I guess I'll see tomorrow. The good news is, I felt wonderful the rest of the day. Very proud and accomplished.

According to this website, you can't train intensely while on the VLCD. It says:

Please remember that the combination of the low calorie diet and the exercise could cause the body to go into starvation mode; holding onto the weight you’re trying to lose. It has a negative impact by lowering your stamina and many then lose their commitment to the diet plan.

So is it a combination of the minor cheats and the exercise that is stalling me on this round?

If I have to choose between exercise and finishing this round, I will choose exercise for now and give this thing another shot in a few months. I am six weeks into a training program that has already been really hard. I'm not going to just stop, especially since physical fitness and health is more the ultimate goal than a certain number on the scale. So I figured this week, I'll try eating the egg whites on running days and see if that helps with energy and weight loss. At the end of week 2, we'll see where things stand.

Math time.

I currently have a BMR of 1650 and based on that, my daily calorie needs should be about 2200 calories a day (I think that's conservative, it's probably more based on activity). If I'm eating, let's say 600 calories a day (which I'm not, I'm still under 500 most days, but have been up to 600 on a few days). That's a daily deficit of 1600 calories and a weekly deficit of 11,200 calories. A pound is 3500 calories, so  that mean I should lose 3.2 lbs a week easily, no matter whether I eat vegetables in combination or turkey or salsa or any of the other things you're not supposed to do on this diet. If I lose 3.2 lbs a week for the whole 6 weeks, that will be 19 pounds. This feels hard to do for 19 pounds, even though that's a lot and would bring me within striking distance of my fairly arbitrary goal weight of 169!

Gosh, I don't know. I keep saying I won't decide now what I'm doing more than a day in the future, and then I keep trying to decide now anyway. That's kind of what I do, have you met me?

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss: Round 2	Total Loss: Cumulative
LD 1	1/26/2011	199.6	-
LD 2	1/27/2011	203	3.4
1	1/28/2011	204.6	1.6
2	1/29/2011	200.2	-4.4
3	1/30/2011	198.8	-1.4	-1.4	30.8
4	1/31/2011	198.2	-0.6	-1.6	31.4
5	2/1/2011	197	-1.2	-2.4	32.6
6	2/2/2011	195.6	-1.4	-4.0	34
7	2/3/2011	194.2	-1.4	-5.4	35.4
Week 1: down 5.4 for the week (not counting load weight), 35.4 total
8	2/4/2011	193.6	-0.6	-6.0	-36
9	2/5/2011	193.2	-0.4	-6.4	-36.4
10	2/6/2011	192.6	-0.6	-7.0	-37
11	2/7/2011	193	0.4	-6.6	-36.6
12	2/8/2011
13	2/9/2011
14	2/10/2011