All That Stuff I Said Yesterday? Scratch That (Round 2, Phase 3, Day 1)

I was going to entitle this post "Uncle," as in "I give up and cry uncle." Why? Because I've decided to stop phase 2 (VLCD and drops) and go into phase 3 (maintenance) as of 3:00 this morning when my hunger woke me for the third night in a row. But this time, I couldn't get back to sleep. I've been awake since then, thinking about the pep talks I got yesterday, thinking about my resolve (renewed only yesterday!) to give this at least another week before giving up on it. I've been awake since then thinking about how I was going to do my 10k training run this morning (70 minutes long including 45 minutes of running) on 3 egg whites. I've been thinking about how badly I want to stick with this, mostly just so I can say that I didn't quit.

The more I thought about it, the more I thought all my reasons for taking a break were better, more solid, and healthier than my reasons for continuing. And that's why I decided not to call this post "Uncle" after all. I am choosing to look at this as listening to my body and intuition rather than giving up or giving in.

Look, this diet works. I lost over 30 pounds in the first 40 days. It was honestly not even that hard. I was hungry at first, but I was losing so much weight it was worth it. I didn't feel weak or tired or low energy. I didn't feel mentally foggy or irritable or anxious. If anything, I felt better than ever. I felt bored with the food choices by the end, but not deprived. Not a single one of my fears about this diet came true, and the first round was awesome. My first maintenance went pretty smoothly; I was up and down a bit, but I feel like I "stuck my number."

For people researching this diet and stumbling across this post: I really can't say enough good about it. It has worked wonders for me.

But round 2 has felt hard and even unnatural from the beginning. It's partially that I feel less desperate, and therefore less willing to take extreme measures or feel extreme discomfort. It's partly that I'm training for this damn 10k, which I feel excited about and proud of, but which may be incompatible with the VLCD (after all, I am burning 400-600 calories in a typical training session and eating 500-700 on training days. It's just not enough fuel). It's partly that I have some strange hormonal stuff going on in my body this month (I won't bore the male readers with my lady stuff). It's partly that I have been trying (and failing)to get away with a few cheats, like a diet coke here and there or an extra fruit or protein when I'm really starving. It's partly that in the last week, I have changed up my meds (antidepressants) a bit, and that can have short or long-term effects on weight. It's partly that I feel like I am approaching what is probably an ideal weight for me, which has got to make the weight loss slower and harder.

Or it could be the combination of all those things together is making this round harder than I'm willing to put up with. Perhaps if I had only one of those things going on, it wouldn't feel so hard.

Whatever the reason, most of round 2 has been miserable. The first few days were pretty easy because I had loaded up well, but ever since, I have felt starving and sleepy and cranky. This isn't the right time for this diet for my body, and it has been trying to tell me that. Instead of trying to "gut it out" like I almost always do, I am going to gracefully and proactively stop before I have a big self-destructive cheat. This worked for me the first time, and I could tell it was working because it didn't feel like a starvation diet, but I was losing weight. This time, it does feel like a starvation diet, which means something isn't right.

This diet works. I have lost 42 pounds since Halloween! I am at the lowest weight I've seen since before my first pregnancy in early 2004, seven years ago. I can wear regular clothes in regular stores!

But most important of all, I kind of think I look decent. How's that for bragging? I like the way I look in clothes now. I like the shape of my body so much better. I do not constantly castigate myself when I look in the mirror. I give myself the occasional compliment.

So today I start 8 weeks of maintenance. I'm going to do a full round of maintenance (which is 8 weeks after the second round) even though I only half a round of HCG drops. I'm a little worried that the overtraining and undereating may have messed with my metabolism a bit, and I want to really get firmly set at this new weight in the high 180's. If I lose a little more naturally, great. If not, I'll decide in 8 weeks if I want to get the last 15-20 off using HCG or doing something else. I'm finishing up round to at 187.6, which means I have another nice, natural ceiling of 190 to watch out for during maintenance. It's a good psychological stop to have it be a nice round number that changes your tens digit.
 

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss: Round 2	Total Loss: Cumulative
Starting Weight (11/1/2010): 229.6
Weight @ End of Round 1 (12/14/2010): 198.2 (loss of 31.4 lbs)
Starting Weight, beginning of Round 2 (1/26/2011): 199.6
LD 1	1/26/2011	199.6	-
LD 2	1/27/2011	203	3.4
1	1/28/2011	204.6	1.6
2	1/29/2011	200.2	-4.4
3	1/30/2011	198.8	-1.4	-1.4	30.8
4	1/31/2011	198.2	-0.6	-1.6	31.4
5	2/1/2011	197	-1.2	-2.4	32.6
6	2/2/2011	195.6	-1.4	-4.0	34
7	2/3/2011	194.2	-1.4	-5.4	35.4
Week 1: down 5.4 for the week (not counting load weight), 35.4 total
8	2/4/2011	193.6	-0.6	-6.0	-36
9	2/5/2011	193.2	-0.4	-6.4	-36.4
10	2/6/2011	192.6	-0.6	-7.0	-37
11	2/7/2011	193	0.4	-6.6	-36.6
12	2/8/2011	191.4	-1.6	-8.2	-38.2
13	2/9/2011	189.8	-1.6	-9.8	-38.8
14	2/10/2011	189.4	-0.4	-10.2	-40.2
Week 2: down 4.8 for the week, down 10.2 total in Round 2, down 39.2 overall
15	2/11/2011	188.4	-1.0	-11.2	-41.2
16	2/12/2011	188.6	0.2	-11.0	-41
17	2/13/2011	188.8	0.2	-10.8	-40.8
18	2/14/2011	189	0.2	-10.6	-40.6
19	2/15/2011	188	-1.0	-11.6	-41.6
20	2/16/2011	187.6	-0.4	-12.0	-42
Week 3: down 1.8 for the week, down 12.0 total in Round 2, down 42 overall.

So bring it on, maintenance! I'm ready for ya.

Still Going Renegade (Round 2, Phase 2, Day 15)

I am being far from perfect on this diet this time around, and I was pretty damn close to perfect in Round 1.

Here are the diet tenets I am following:

• HCG drops 3x a day (was doing 12, upped it to 15 to see if helped with hunger)
• Eating 99% protocol foods
• Eating VLCD (I have gone as far as 700 cals, but only on days when I run)
• Drinking tons of water.
• Absolutely, positively no sugar or gluten

Here's where I'm being a bad-ass renegade:

• Diet coke! Drank it a few days in a row and didn't notice a change in weight loss, so I'm having some more often. I know this is something I should forgo because it is chemical crap, but it just keeps me from feeling so deprived.
• Mixing vegetables. Today I had 2 c of salad with all core vegetables. Tonight I'm going to have shrimp with sugar-free salsa.
• A few, small, rare foods that are not on protocol. Ex: 3-5 rice crackers (no sugar, no gluten) last night, protein shake this morning before running (with stevia, not fake sugar or real sugar) and a banana. My run felt fantastic this morning. Much better than when I eat eggs.
• More slacking on measuring vegetables. Spinach is less than 20 calories a cup. Does it really matter if I have 2 or 3 cups?

I'm torn on this. Part of me feels like if I'm going to do this, I should just do it and do it perfectly. Part of me thinks that if I was doing it perfectly, I would have already quit this round. I'm still losing weight at a decent rate even without worrying about wearing gloves when I handle oily food and whether I mix my vegetables at lunch. I also know it is a slippery slope, and part of what I think is great about how strict this diet is that it doesn't give you any room to wiggle, which makes you more successful. Although I'm doing ok even with this amount of wiggle room, will it be a slippery slope to more and more wiggling, eventually resulting in failure?

End of Week 2 (Round 2, Phase 2, Day 14)

A very solid but not overwhelmingly impressive end to my second week back on the HCG plan, except for two things: 1) I am officially in the 180's and have been for two days in a row! 2) I have now lost 40 pounds since Halloween.
 

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss: Round 2	Total Loss: Cumulative
LD 1	1/26/2011	199.6	-
LD 2	1/27/2011	203	3.4
1	1/28/2011	204.6	1.6
2	1/29/2011	200.2	-4.4
3	1/30/2011	198.8	-1.4	-1.4	30.8
4	1/31/2011	198.2	-0.6	-1.6	31.4
5	2/1/2011	197	-1.2	-2.4	32.6
6	2/2/2011	195.6	-1.4	-4.0	34
7	2/3/2011	194.2	-1.4	-5.4	35.4
Week 1: down 5.4 for the week (not counting load weight), 35.4 total
8	2/4/2011	193.6	-0.6	-6.0	-36
9	2/5/2011	193.2	-0.4	-6.4	-36.4
10	2/6/2011	192.6	-0.6	-7.0	-37
11	2/7/2011	193	0.4	-6.6	-36.6
12	2/8/2011	191.4	-1.6	-8.2	-38.2
13	2/9/2011	189.8	-1.6	-9.8	-38.8
14	2/10/2011	189.4	-0.4	-10.2	-40.2
Week 2: down 4.8 for the week, down 10.2 total in Round 2, down 39.2 overall

 
Today is my 35th birthday. I am realizing how much celebrating is done with food, because while I have made it through many other people's  birthdays without eating celebration food and have managed to have minimal resentment, almost everything I want to do today involves food. Special breakfast, special dinner, cake, ice cream, a movie with popcorn... 

But what I really want for my 35th birthday is just to lose a little more weight and be DONE with the shrinking and VLCD, so I am going to persevere through the temptation! The better I persevere, the more successful I'll be and the sooner this will be over. 

Someone brought peanut butter cookies to a meeting today, special for me on my birthday, and I didn't have any.

Crossing into the 180's has been very good for motivation, which continues to flag.I'm honestly still not sure if I will do this beyond 23 days. I'm trying just to let go and see what happens and see what I feel like.

For both my long training weeks this week, I have added eggs in the morning (~100 extra calories of protein to the existing 500 VLCD) and I have lost both times. I am still hungry and do not feel like I am performing at peak performance on these runs, but I am making it work for now.

So far, I'm not ready to give up on either the diet or the running.

What a Difference a Day Makes (Round 2, Phase 2, Day 12)

I know I must come across as totally schizophrenic. But I'm feeling positive again, mainly because I had a nice loss and feel like maybe this is working. I was down 1.6 today for a total of 8 pounds in 12 days (not counting load up weight. If I count load up weight, I'm down 13.2 pounds in 12 days).

Yes it's less weight than last time, yes it's less percentage of total weight, but it's still decent. Yesterday I had one egg + three egg whites in the morning (in addition to my regular protocol foods) because I was planning a long run. I still lost. I will do the same tomorrow.

I think I have mentioned that I am working with a local HCG coach, and she sent me an email this morning advising me to choose--I either have to stop training for the 10k or stop doing the diet. I think she made this suggestion based her read of the frustration I was feeling the last few days, but even when I said I was determined to stick it out at least the minimum of 23 days for a short round, she said she doesn't think that's a good idea. I also think that she is probably frustrated that I am monkeying around with her program--her philosophy is either do it right or don't do it at all. And it's true, I have had these small cheats almost every day--1/2 an extra grapefruit, an extra 20g of chicken, a cup of chicken broth, salsa, etc. I think those small cheats are the only thing that have kept me from an absolute binge when I am super hungry late at night. But I've still managed to lose 8 pounds in 12 days even with those cheats. Maybe I would have lost 10 or 15 if I hadn't been doing the cheats, but what is the harm of experimenting with it a bit?

Don't you love how, yesterday, I was all pissed about losing only 6 pounds in 11 days and now I am all happy about losing 8 lbs in 12 days? I fully recognize that I am ridiculous. I will be the first to admit it.

The coach's beef is not only about the cheating, it's really that she says it isn't a good idea to do any intense training during the VLCD portion of the plan. And the training I'm doing is intense (at least for me): it is training sessions 3x a week of roughly 70 minutes each where I alternate walking and running. This week was running for 3 minutes and then walking for 2 and repeating that 13 times. Next week will be running for 4 minutes and walking for 2. I am definitely wasted after these sessions, which is why I added in the egg white omelets. The treadmill tells me I am burning 600 calories in 70 minutes so it seems fine to add an extra 100 calories to my day.

I'm feeling frustrated and unsure...on the one hand, I finally feel motivated to actually stick this out for awhile, so why not just finish it, at least 23 days? On the other hand, someone who knows a lot more about this says I should stop, and I want to stop SO BAD because I am hungrier. I'm sitting here tonight thinking, "fuck it, I should just stop, finish the 10k training, and pick it up again in the late spring to lose the last 20." But I don't know. It's kind of working, even with my naughty modifications.

What to do, what to do? This diet is hard enough when you have people encouraging you every step of the way, when you have people actively telling you to stop, it's even harder to stay on the path.

It is 8:30 p.m. here on the east coast, and I feel like I would sell my soul for a handful of peanuts and a slice of cave-aged triple-cream brie on a crusty baguette.

ARGH (Round 3, Phase 2, Day 9)

The last two days, I hate this diet. I really fucking hate this diet. I am hungry, I feel deprived, I feel desperate for real food in a way that feels really fucked up and unnatural. Last week was pretty easy in terms of hunger, but this week is not easy at all. It is taking every shred of self-control not to dive into a pile of food and eat like a depraved, starved animal. We've had kid birthday parties the last two days, with positively delicious-looking pizza at each one. I've had to handle and serve pizza and cupcakes and potato chips and not have any. My kids had barbecued chicken, buttered peas, apples, and roasted potatoes for dinner last night, and I thought I was going to knock them over to get that food. And the weight loss is soooo slow so I don't even feel rewarded. Two nights ago, I was so hungry that I ate an extra apple and a tangerine, and last night, I had an extra half grapefruit. Sort of cheating, I guess, because I ate more than my daily allotment of 2 fruits, but it is the lamest and most unrewarding cheating I have ever done in my damn life.

At the suggestion of faithful blog readers Kristoise and Holly, I did some math. Math: the refuge of desperate people.

• Not counting load days, but starting from pre-load weights: By day 9 of Round 1, I had lost 5.6% of my body weight. In Round 2, I've lost 3.5% of my body weight in the same amount of time.
• Including load days in total weight loss: Round 1, I lost 6.1% of my weight in nine days, and in Round 2, I have lost 5.8%. 

Either way, it is definitely slower this time around, no doubt about it. Could it be because I have less to lose (but then wouldn't you think the percentages would be the same?) Could it be that I don't have the same slavish devotion to every rule? (I had an extra fruit and a half this week and even, GASP, mixed my vegetables one night). Could it be that I am approaching the weight that is ideal for my body, and that even if I'd like to lose more, I'm close to the weight my body wants to be? I don't know what it is, but it is fucking frustrating.  

Can you tell I am feeling testy?

I decided this morning that I was only going to do 20 days on this diet this time and then maintenance. Then I decided I was going to stop when I got to 187, no matter how soon that happened. I am just hating it so much.

But then I did three things:

1) I went back and looked at my day 9 blog post from Round 1, and realized I was feeling a lot of this stuff then (albeit with more positive stuff mixed in). So even though I was kind of miserable in the beginning last time, by 2-3 weeks in, it felt really easy. It helps to be reminded by my own self and my own experience that this will get easier soon. Has anyone else noticed a real flagging in motivation right around 1.5 weeks?

2) I went and tried on this pair of Gap khaki jeans that I have saved for ten years. I have a picture of myself wearing them almost ten years ago, standing with Holly's kids when they came to visit me in DC shortly after my 25th birthday. I remember getting that picture developed at the time and thinking, "wow, I kind of look . . . good! I look like a normal person and not a fat person!" I had been on WW for about a year and a half at that point and had weighed around 186 for many months in a row. I'm now 192.6, so I thought I'd try on the pants. They fit! They are a tiny bit tight, but not too tight to wear in public. They are, of course, 10 years out of style, but whatever. They're just khakis, right?. I also tried on a bunch of skirts I bought at H&M about 10 years ago, and they fit too, and even look sort of cute! So to be able to wear these very symbolic pants feels like a huge milestone even though (have I mentioned this yet? Have you heard?) I really hate this fucking diet lately.

3) I went back and looked at my old WW weight logs. When I first started losing weight in 1999, it took me TEN MONTHS to lose 37 pounds. And it did not feel easy, it felt pretty hard. This time around I have lost 37 pounds since Halloween, or in roughly 3  months. And yes, it has been hard, FER SURE, but it has been in 1/3 the time. And though I have been very focused on weight loss this second round, I daresay the biggest benefits have not even been totally weight related. I know, HERESY.

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss: Round 2	Total Loss: Cumulative
LD 1	1/26/2011	199.6	-
LD 2	1/27/2011	203	3.4
1	1/28/2011	204.6	1.6
2	1/29/2011	200.2	-4.4
3	1/30/2011	198.8	-1.4	-1.4	30.8
4	1/31/2011	198.2	-0.6	-1.6	31.4
5	2/1/2011	197	-1.2	-2.4	32.6
6	2/2/2011	195.6	-1.4	-4.0	34
7	2/3/2011	194.2	-1.4	-5.4	35.4
Week 1: down 5.4 for the week (not counting load weight), 35.4 total
8	2/4/2011	193.6	-0.6	-6.0	-36
9	2/5/2011	193.2	-0.4	-6.4	-36.4
10	2/6/2011	192.6	-0.6	-7.0	-37

I felt very committed last time, and once I actually started, I was very certain I would finish the whole 40 days no matter what. I don't feel as committed or certain this time. So, look, no promises. I'm going to keep on keeping on until 21 days and see how I feel. That gives me 12 more days, which I can certainly do. I'm going to increase my drops from 12 drops three times a day to 15 drops three times a day. Either I will lose a bunch of weight in the next 12 days (10+ more lbs would be nice), in which case that will motivate me to keep going, or I won't lose a bunch of weight, which will motivate me to stay on longer.

Meanwhile, I'll just take it one day at a time and try to be "good" so I can lose as much as I can as quickly as I can. And I'm going to a fucking superbowl party tonight, where I will furiously knit in the corner and glower at the chili, chips, and onion dip, imagining that 100g of naked chicken, a tiny apple, 2c of spinach, and a bottle of water is JUST AS DELICIOUS AND SATISFYING as queso blanco, cold beer, and honey barbecue chicken wings.