All That Stuff I Said Yesterday? Scratch That (Round 2, Phase 3, Day 1)

I was going to entitle this post "Uncle," as in "I give up and cry uncle." Why? Because I've decided to stop phase 2 (VLCD and drops) and go into phase 3 (maintenance) as of 3:00 this morning when my hunger woke me for the third night in a row. But this time, I couldn't get back to sleep. I've been awake since then, thinking about the pep talks I got yesterday, thinking about my resolve (renewed only yesterday!) to give this at least another week before giving up on it. I've been awake since then thinking about how I was going to do my 10k training run this morning (70 minutes long including 45 minutes of running) on 3 egg whites. I've been thinking about how badly I want to stick with this, mostly just so I can say that I didn't quit.

The more I thought about it, the more I thought all my reasons for taking a break were better, more solid, and healthier than my reasons for continuing. And that's why I decided not to call this post "Uncle" after all. I am choosing to look at this as listening to my body and intuition rather than giving up or giving in.

Look, this diet works. I lost over 30 pounds in the first 40 days. It was honestly not even that hard. I was hungry at first, but I was losing so much weight it was worth it. I didn't feel weak or tired or low energy. I didn't feel mentally foggy or irritable or anxious. If anything, I felt better than ever. I felt bored with the food choices by the end, but not deprived. Not a single one of my fears about this diet came true, and the first round was awesome. My first maintenance went pretty smoothly; I was up and down a bit, but I feel like I "stuck my number."

For people researching this diet and stumbling across this post: I really can't say enough good about it. It has worked wonders for me.

But round 2 has felt hard and even unnatural from the beginning. It's partially that I feel less desperate, and therefore less willing to take extreme measures or feel extreme discomfort. It's partly that I'm training for this damn 10k, which I feel excited about and proud of, but which may be incompatible with the VLCD (after all, I am burning 400-600 calories in a typical training session and eating 500-700 on training days. It's just not enough fuel). It's partly that I have some strange hormonal stuff going on in my body this month (I won't bore the male readers with my lady stuff). It's partly that I have been trying (and failing)to get away with a few cheats, like a diet coke here and there or an extra fruit or protein when I'm really starving. It's partly that in the last week, I have changed up my meds (antidepressants) a bit, and that can have short or long-term effects on weight. It's partly that I feel like I am approaching what is probably an ideal weight for me, which has got to make the weight loss slower and harder.

Or it could be the combination of all those things together is making this round harder than I'm willing to put up with. Perhaps if I had only one of those things going on, it wouldn't feel so hard.

Whatever the reason, most of round 2 has been miserable. The first few days were pretty easy because I had loaded up well, but ever since, I have felt starving and sleepy and cranky. This isn't the right time for this diet for my body, and it has been trying to tell me that. Instead of trying to "gut it out" like I almost always do, I am going to gracefully and proactively stop before I have a big self-destructive cheat. This worked for me the first time, and I could tell it was working because it didn't feel like a starvation diet, but I was losing weight. This time, it does feel like a starvation diet, which means something isn't right.

This diet works. I have lost 42 pounds since Halloween! I am at the lowest weight I've seen since before my first pregnancy in early 2004, seven years ago. I can wear regular clothes in regular stores!

But most important of all, I kind of think I look decent. How's that for bragging? I like the way I look in clothes now. I like the shape of my body so much better. I do not constantly castigate myself when I look in the mirror. I give myself the occasional compliment.

So today I start 8 weeks of maintenance. I'm going to do a full round of maintenance (which is 8 weeks after the second round) even though I only half a round of HCG drops. I'm a little worried that the overtraining and undereating may have messed with my metabolism a bit, and I want to really get firmly set at this new weight in the high 180's. If I lose a little more naturally, great. If not, I'll decide in 8 weeks if I want to get the last 15-20 off using HCG or doing something else. I'm finishing up round to at 187.6, which means I have another nice, natural ceiling of 190 to watch out for during maintenance. It's a good psychological stop to have it be a nice round number that changes your tens digit.
 

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss: Round 2	Total Loss: Cumulative
Starting Weight (11/1/2010): 229.6
Weight @ End of Round 1 (12/14/2010): 198.2 (loss of 31.4 lbs)
Starting Weight, beginning of Round 2 (1/26/2011): 199.6
LD 1	1/26/2011	199.6	-
LD 2	1/27/2011	203	3.4
1	1/28/2011	204.6	1.6
2	1/29/2011	200.2	-4.4
3	1/30/2011	198.8	-1.4	-1.4	30.8
4	1/31/2011	198.2	-0.6	-1.6	31.4
5	2/1/2011	197	-1.2	-2.4	32.6
6	2/2/2011	195.6	-1.4	-4.0	34
7	2/3/2011	194.2	-1.4	-5.4	35.4
Week 1: down 5.4 for the week (not counting load weight), 35.4 total
8	2/4/2011	193.6	-0.6	-6.0	-36
9	2/5/2011	193.2	-0.4	-6.4	-36.4
10	2/6/2011	192.6	-0.6	-7.0	-37
11	2/7/2011	193	0.4	-6.6	-36.6
12	2/8/2011	191.4	-1.6	-8.2	-38.2
13	2/9/2011	189.8	-1.6	-9.8	-38.8
14	2/10/2011	189.4	-0.4	-10.2	-40.2
Week 2: down 4.8 for the week, down 10.2 total in Round 2, down 39.2 overall
15	2/11/2011	188.4	-1.0	-11.2	-41.2
16	2/12/2011	188.6	0.2	-11.0	-41
17	2/13/2011	188.8	0.2	-10.8	-40.8
18	2/14/2011	189	0.2	-10.6	-40.6
19	2/15/2011	188	-1.0	-11.6	-41.6
20	2/16/2011	187.6	-0.4	-12.0	-42
Week 3: down 1.8 for the week, down 12.0 total in Round 2, down 42 overall.

So bring it on, maintenance! I'm ready for ya.

Maintenance, Day 9

So far, so good. 

I just got back from two days in Michigan (I work from home on the east coast for a company based in Michigan, and they scheduled a company-wide meeting for Dec. 21st just as a big "MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS" to those of us with kids and/or, you know, lots of shit to do this time of year. I was very nervous about the trip to Michigan and how I would handle food at the bagel-and-pastry breakfasts, sandwich lunches, and corporate dinners. But I did some thinking ahead of time on how I would handle it, and I did okay. I did eat 580 calories of trail mix one day over various layovers and snacks, but I didn't go over calories that day, so I guess it was okay.

I continue to play it a little fast and loose with the first three week food protocol, which basically says you can't have anything but phase two foods in greater quantities and different combinations. I am trying other things in small quantities and finding out what works and what doesn't. For example, I've been doing loads of eggs, nuts, nut butters, cheese, and dairy, and so far it's working fine. I've had sweet potatoes twice, and I've had corn once, but no white potatoes or flour yet.

I'm definitely eating low(ish) carb, high(ish) fat, and perfect protein. Here's my chart for the last week from Spark People:

NUTRIENTS:	GOAL	16-Dec	17-Dec	18-Dec	19-Dec	20-Dec	21-Dec
Calories:	1,870 - 2,220	1,460	2,207	1,708	1,698	2,144	1,914
Fat:	47 - 82	81	159	78	94	132	112
Carbs:	238 - 344	108	98	163	114	101	123
Protein:	60 - 186	84	100	102	119	150	123

 Here's my weight chart--I've stayed solidly within two pounds of my last HCG weight (198.2). I've been over and under my calorie target range; I just sort of eat what I want but track it so that I learn what 1500 or 1900 or 2200 calories feels like. I do think I need to try and get over 1800 on more of a regular basis now that I've maintained successfully for awhile. The whole point is to reset my body so it thinks it takes more calories to maintain this weight. I don't want it to think it can maintain this weight with only 1600 or 1700 calories a day; I'd much prefer my body think it needs 2100 to maintain this weight. 2100 calories is a lot of really good food. I suspect it goes fast when you're eating shit, but when you're minimizing carbs, it goes a long way, even eating high-fat foods like nuts and cheese.

Day	Date	Weight	Calories Range = 1870-2200)
Day 1	12/14/2010	198.2	967
Day 2	12/15/2010	198.6	1437
Day 3	12/16/2010	198.4	1460
Day 4	12/17/2010	197.0	2207
Day 5	12/18/2010	198.4	1708
Day 6	12/19/2010	199.2	1697
Day 7	12/20/2010	198.8	2144
Day 8	12/21/2010	-	1914
Day 9	12/22/2010	199.0	2288

A couple of interesting realizations along the road:

1. Diet drinks taste bad. I am supposed to wait 3 weeks before any fake sugar, but I was traveling, needed the energy rush, and so I had a Diet Cherry Coke. It was AWFUL. Now, I love(d) Diet Coke. I could drink it by the gallon. But I also know it's terrible for you in about a thousand ways, so it's good when you realize things that aren't good for you don't taste good.

2. Knowing something tastes bad is not enough of a disincentive for the likes of ME, at least not yet. After realizing Diet Coke was disgusting, I had another the next day, and then a small cup on the plane. WHY? I have no idea. Because I could? Because I remembered how much I used to like it? So I still need to work on this.

3. Sugar really sets me off. One morning, a colleague brought me coffee with french vanilla International Delight in it, which has sugar in it (or maybe high fructose corn syrup). I love coffee with vanilla-flavored creamer in it, and unlike the Diet Coke, the coffee did not disappoint. But I was CRAVING sugar the rest of the day. How weird is that? I mean, there can't be THAT much sugar in that vanilla creamer, but it was enough to set me off. Not only was I craving sweets and candies more than I have in weeks, I was HUNGRY all day. So it's a good reminder on a few fronts: 1) I should stay away from sugar awhile longer 2) it's not a disaster if I don't, and 3) I still need to pay attention to the difference between hunger and cravings.

4. Travel really sets me off. Work travel, which I do 8-10 times a year, has always been an excuse to throw any eating regimen out the window. I deal with the stress by eating, and now I have a habit of eating certain things whenever I'm in Michigan. That psychological pull was very strong this week even when the desire to eat wasn't there.

5. I can't get complacent. This has been mostly easy. But just tonight, we were having dinner with friends to make graham cracker houses with our collective 18 billion children. I ate a jelly bean here and there, had a beer (which makes no sense, because I don't even care about beer, so why waste the calories on it?) and had a huge amount of frito pie, which was the dinner option available (turkey chili with shredded cheese and fritos). I barely went over my calories today, but I ate until I was overfull, which is something I haven't done since I started this diet, and which I thought was behind me, at least for the short term. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to pay attention and be guided by the way I feel rather than the taste of the food.

Anyway, I mostly feel like things are going okay. I'm glad to have the work trip behind me. Not to worried about Christmas, or at least the FOOD part of Christmas.

Bizarro World, aka the Size of the Banana (P3, D3)

Well.

This is not at all what I expected.

Only three days in, I know, but this is easy! I will admit to throwing most of my rules out the window after the first day, because it is damn near impossible to get anywhere CLOSE to enough calories eating only lean meats and vegetables and fruits. So while I planned to wait weeks before adding much dairy or nuts, I did some of both on the second day. You know what else I did on the second day? I went out to a Tunisian restaurant before going to a play with some friends, and ordered a chicken kebab that was served on a bed of cous cous, and I ate some of the cous cous, which is a whole grain, but is still a grain, which is completely verboten for 3 weeks. I know, I am TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL. I ate less than half a cup, maybe even closer to a quarter of a cup, but I had some. I also had ONE of my friend's corn fritters (sweet corn deep fried), which was about the size of a plantain slice, and which was delicious.

Out of habit, I am going to that comfortable place of beating myself up for not sticking to the plan. But I really feel fine about it. This feels like adaptability and flexibility rather than failure.  My weight is totally stable so far, though who knows if it will stay that way. I am gradually increasing my calories, so even though I'm eating some new foods, I'm still eating fewer calories than I need to eventually be eating. I wonder if the composition of food (i.e. fats and carbs) will make a bigger difference when I am eating closer to 1800-2000 calories a day.

I read on SparkPeople that when you are going from a weight loss plan to a weight maintenance plan, you should increase your calories by around 200 a day. Since my plan was to count calories but not let the counting dictate the intake too much, I haven't gone at that exact pace, but I definitely haven't gone right to 2000 calories from 500.

Buy y'all, this feels easy and normal. I don't even know how to describe how surprised I am and how weird it feels. I have been super busy at work, but I am just going about my day, eating when I get hungry, eating food that tastes good and enjoying it. WHAT IS UP WITH THIS MADNESS?

 Do you know what happened to me today? I ate a banana and was entering it into my food diary on Spark People. Now, normally when I am entering a banana into a food diary, I can easily convince myself that every banana is a small banana. I can eat a banana that is 10" long, and I will say to myself, "yep, I'd call that a small banana." After all, a large banana can be 40-50 calories more than a small banana. So today? I ate what was probably a medium banana and found myself wanting to log it as a large banana because I'm having trouble eating all my calories. WHAT?!?!? Same thing with the trail mix. Normally a heaping 1/4 cup translates to a quarter cup; today I counted a sparse quarter cup as a quarter cup. This is truly Bizarro World for me. The lesson, I suppose, is that in both regular world and Bizarro World, I don't know the difference between a large and a small banana (insert penis joke here).

I feel like a NORMAL person around food. I had that small, quarter cup of trail mix today, and it was enough. I had the slightest compulsive eating twinge (the twinges of I WANT MORE even if I don't need more), but it was so easy to let it go.

I know this is the very beginning, and I know this hasn't gotten hard yet. I know I will have to be vigilant, and that my emotional eating issues have plenty of time to rear their ugly heads. I also know that maybe it really is too soon for this kind of eating, and I might see a weird and large gain any day now, in which case I will calmly and easily adjust back and take out some of the nuts and dairy again for awhile.

However, I am going to try very hard to stay off of 100% processed carbs and sugar for the first three weeks, no matter how well things go or how cocky I get. I may try some brown rice, starchy veggies and legumes, etc. sine the cous cous was fine, but I'm not going to mess with any white sugar, pasta, white rice, bread, etc. for at least the first three weeks and maybe the whole six weeks of maintenance. My other hard and fast rule is no eating after 8 p.m. I'm hungry right now, but not famished.

That's another thing that is so weird. I totally know I can handle hunger now. I have eaten shit so many times in my life because I was hungry and didn't have the time/ energy/ money/ whatever to eat something healthy. But dude, I just ate 500 calories for 40 days! (My friend B pointed out that was 20,000 calories more than Jesus had during Lent. Ha.) I can wait fucking 10 minutes to saute a chicken breast instead of eating a box of crackers, you know?

Meanwhile, holy shit. I thought I was amazed during the HCG phase, but I am really amazed now. If it stays like this even for a week or two, it will feel miraculous to me. It's fucking Christmas, y'all, and I don't hate myself or my family! There's a first for everything!

Day	Date	Weight	Calories	Exercise
Day 1	12/14/2010	198.2	967.0	none
Day 2	12/15/2010	198.6	1437.0	pilates
Day 3	12/16/2010	198.4	1460.0	none

Last Day of Drops (P2, D40)

Y'all, I have been eating 500 calories a day for 40 days. 500 healthy calories. I honestly didn't think I could do it. Again, not to glamorize starving yourself (because I haven't been that hungry for most of the 40 days), but I am kind of proud of myself that I have stuck with this. It hasn't been impossible, but it hasn't been easy. I have eaten at friends' houses (and brought my own food or eaten before or after) 13 times in the 40 days. I have hosted my WW mother-in-law at my house for the weekend (and am doing it again this weekend). I've survived Thanksgiving and early Christmas party season. It hasn't been easy. But I did it! And today is my 40th day!

After today, which is my last day of voodoo drops, I have three more days of 500 calories. However, we are driving to Washington, DC tomorrow with my inlaws for a special Christmas production--it's a family tradition and one that we do every year. I think I can do pretty well with food choices but maybe not 100% protocol. We'll see how it goes--it may be impossible to get totally naked meat and only one protocol vegetable. I guess I could make some food and bring it with me. I'm gonna think on it.

I lost 0.4 this morning, so continued slow loss. I technically had my third cheat of the diet last night, though it was unintentional. I had to pick up my dinner at the local health food store in between a meeting and my pottery class, and they had chicken deli meat, fresh off the roasted chicken breast. I looked at the ingredients and didn't see anything bad (no oil, no sugar, just spices), so I ate about 4 slices and then saw an asterisk on the list of ingredients that said "*less than 1% of each of the following," and one of them was honey. But I still lost a little this morning. I was kind of expecting a bigger drop today; I feel smaller. Maybe it will come tomorrow, or maybe my body is just done for now.

I haven't reached the goal that I thought would be pretty easy to each (195 lbs or less). And I don't think I'm going to get there in the next 3 days at the rate I'm losing now. But I am really and truly okay with that. I've had a little attitude shift in the last week or so. I just feel really good.

I lost 2.8 last week and 2.4 so far this week. I was thinking this morning that I probably should have stopped this about a week ago, but in for a dime, in for a dollar, you know? If I do another round in late January/early February to get some more off, I think I am going to listen to my body a bit more and quit sooner if I feel like I should.

I feel awesome today. I went to Pilates at 8:10 this morning. I looked around the room, and you know what? I was probably still the biggest person in there, but not so big that everyone else would be wondering what the fat girl was doing in an exercise class. I am wearing cute little yoga pants that make my ass look pretty good and a cute little yoga top that shows off my waist. I'm excited to start doing more strength-building exercise once I'm eating a bit more food and have the calories to support it.

I almost, nearly, for about a half second looked at my body in all those pilates studio mirrors and thought, "hmm, maybe I'm done. Maybe this is good enough." I'm still very overweight according to BMI and weight though, but it was nice to be kind and flattering and appreciative of myself for that one half second. It also helped that I ran into a few people I know at the gym and every single one of them commented on my weight loss. One didn't even recognize me. I know external validation shouldn't mean so much, but it does.

At this particular moment in time, I am nothing but excited and optimistic about the future as it specifically relates to food, eating, diet, etc. I feel really, really good.

The End is Near! (P2, D39)

Down 0.4 today, and tomorrow is my last day of drops.

Day 36	12/6/2010	200.8	0.0	28.8
Day 37	12/7/2010	199.2	-1.6	-30.4
Day 38	12/8/2010	199.2	0.0	-30.4
Day 39	12/9/2010	198.8	-0.4	-30.8

I got excellent news last night from Shannon. They have a new medical director and a new homeopath on board who has officially loosened up some of the most onerous rules related to the voodoo drops.

All mint is now allowed, which means mint toothpaste! Woot! Still no gum, but just because the doc says it can make people hungry. So I guess that means if it doesn't make you hungry, then it's okay to have (though, on the other hand, its probably impossible to find gum sweetened with stevia instead of aspartame).
Also, I no longer have to wait 30 minutes before and after each dosage of voodoo drops. That never made sense to me anyway, because they are so diluted anyway and then are absorbing under your tongue, how can it matter if you drink water 5 minutes after you take them? It is hard to get all your water in when there are basically three waking hours that you can't have anything to eat or drink, smack dab in the middle of the morning and afternoon. So on my second to last day of voodoo drops, taking the voodoo drops just got a lot easier.

I feel really good today. My face and neck suddenly feel thinner (even though the scale doesn't show a big change), and I am walking around feeling thin and graceful.

R and I had a really good talk yesterday about how the last 40 days has gone, what we expect from the next 40 days, etc. It was nice to be able to talk to him about this; he has been involved peripherally in some conversations with other people but doesn't show much interest in it otherwise. I know he supports me but still doesn't love this whole plan and is probably sick of hearing about it. So I dunno, it felt nice to confide in him.