100's, I Hardly Knew Ye (P2, D36)

After breaking the 200 barrier and getting in the 100's, I was back up the next day and then stayed the same today.

There are two possible reasons: 1) Remember that ONE ELBOW of mac and cheese that I ate on Saturday night? I know you aren't supposed to have any starch at all; they even discourage powdered stevia for the amount of starch/binder in that. I honestly didn't think that small amount made a difference, but it seems like it probably did. So am I really in the position of losing 2+ weight loss days out of my last week because I ate one elbow of mac and cheese, which was totally not worth it? It would appear that is my situation. 2) I ran out of voodoo drops on Friday unexpectedly, so I was taking a lot less than I normally take until I could get more (planned for Monday night, when I was already scheduled to see Shannon). Since I still don't didn't believe in the voodoo drops 100% (I reckon I do now), I thought it would be no big deal to cut way back until it was convenient to take more, and/or stop entirely for a day or two. I managed to get some on Saturday, so I only went a day with fewer drops.

Kristoise would say it is the scale's inaccuracy or some normal bodily vicissitude that will correct itself. But look. I have deviated from the food plan exactly twice: once for a modicum of organic, free range turkey on Thanksgiving and once for one elbow of mac and cheese (have I mentioned yet that it was only ONE ELBOW!?!?!?!?) Both times I stalled or gained. I have deviated from the rest of the plan three times: I was using mint toothpaste early on (which you're not supposed to use with the homeopathy drops) and I was unwittingly using a Burt's Bees lip balm with oil in it, and I was taking about 1/4 of the recommended dosage of the HCG on Friday and Saturday. When I fixed those three things, the plateaus broke. So in my small case study of one, I have learned the following important lesson, which I guess I could only learn for myself despite being told it again and again by Shannon and others: FOLLOW THE FUCKING DIET. :) *

I only have three regular blog readers that I know of (at least commenters), and two of you know me well enough to know that I am not exactly a world-famous optimist. The third has been reading along long enough to have probably figured that out! I have been thinking and thinking this morning about the concept of self-sabotage--it seems a very common phenomenon that when someone breaks through a meaningful or symbolic barrier for them (under 200 pounds, back to their wedding weight, etc.), they fuck it up and gain it back within the next week.  So I've been thinking, did I eat that ONE ELBOW of mac'n'cheese because I couldn't handle being under 200? Did I let my drops run out because I couldn't handle the success I'm having?

The possibility of this kind of self-sabotage doesn't resonate deeply with me...I don't feel like I'm afraid of success on this diet. But I also wouldn't put it past me or discount it entirely. I would honestly not be surprised if I uncovered some self-sabotage underneath everything if I really spent some time on it.

But here's the thing. Today, I am really not down at all about losing 2+ of my final 7 days of weight loss because of ONE ELBOW of macaroni and cheese or getting hubristic about not needing the drops. I was sort of beating myself up for fucking up almost out of habit, but I dunno, maybe Olivia** is starting to rub off on me, but I sort of look at this last-minute backtrack as a gift. And here's why:

1) After weeks of worrying about maintenance, I have started to get cocky about it and drink the kool-aid that it will be magically easy for me to resist foods that are bad for me. I think I needed to be pulled up short and reminded that I am someone who struggles with food. I just am, and I probably always will be. I'm hoping this weight loss gives me a jump start and motivates me to want to keep it off through healthy eating and exercise, but I am never going to be a person who looks at a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream and says "meh, I could take it or leave it." So on Saturday night, KNOWING that any starch at all could jeopardize DAYS of weight loss, I said, "fuck it, I'm eating one elbow of macaroni and cheese just to get the taste of it."

2) I have got to chill the fuck out about a pound gain here, a pound loss there. Gaining at the very end and not really making a federal case about it in my own mind feels really nice; like I am letting out a breath I have been holding in.

3) Similar to #2, being gentle with myself feels kind of liberating. This is something I have learned am learning from Olivia. My fear with being gentle with myself is that it's a slippery slope to a completely libertine world view. So, to take this as an example, if I don't beat the shit out of myself (metaphorically and mentally, of course) for fucking up the diet, then I will continue to fuck it up. What else would get me back on track other than severe punishment and recriminations? What I see Olivia do is be as gentle and forgiving with herself as she would be with me, and then GET BACK ON TRACK ANYWAY. It's kind of amazing, and it is a skill I'd like to practice. If it doesn't work and is, in fact, a slippery slope, I can always go back to beating myself back up. 

4) For the cost of a pound or two and a stall of at least two days, I learned that Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (called "macken" in my house) is not good. It just isn't. When you shovel it mindlessly into your mouth and get hit with that nice salt and fat combo (see David Kessler's excellent book, the End of Overeating, for more on how the salt+fat+sugar trifecta gets you addicted to processed food), you feel good, and it tastes warm and comforting and yummy. It used to be one of my favorite "crap" foods. But when you have been eating a lot of air pie for 35 days, what it takes like is cheap, pasty, grainy pasta with watery, salty, flat-tasting cheese-ish sauce. More than learning that macken isn't good, I learned that some foods I used to love aren't good. I hope to carry that through to maintenance and beyond and learn to taste foods anew each time to discover if they are worth the time and calories before mindlessly eating then. This discovery alone was worth the cost.

Let me stop there lest you think the lady doth protest too much if she feels the need to write 101 reasons why she doesn't care at all that she gained/stalled. The bottom line is, I'm okay. Happy, even. I'd hoped to lose 35 pounds on this diet, and I still might. But if I only lose 30, it's okay. It's all good. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing--I'll try to get a walk today, drink plenty of water, eat foods that are protocol-approved, and NOT EAT EVEN ONE MACARONI ELBOW! I need to "watch and work and [not] give up." (~Anne Lamott)

My last day of drops is this Friday, then I go three more days on 500 calories, then Tuesday, a week from tomorrow, is my first day on maintenance.

*For those of you who are still skeptical about why or how someone's weight could be affected by all these seemingly silly and random rules, I have thoughts on that beyond the alleged chemical interactions of these foods. I'm going to do a separate post on that, hopefully later today if the ole day job doesn't interfere too much.

**Olivia is my groovy HCG diet buddy; can't even remember how we connected now, but we are on the same general P2 timeline, very close in weight, and have other similarities that have to do with a general willingness to try alternative/hippie dippie shit (does that sound fair, Olivia?) and a thoughtfulness about weight loss that is not characteristic of your average "ZOMG, I am sooo fattt" LOL" twitterer. Olivia is into EFT (or, what she calls "tapping") and Jesus***, and knows far more about these two topics than either of my two readers or myself.  She is also a super optimist, a lovely soul, and someone who constantly looks on the bright side. She lives on the West Coast and we have never met.

Olivia blogs publicly at http://happyluau.blogspot.com/ and she also has a private HCG weight loss blog. She may or may not be willing to share that private blog with you, but she might if you prove yourself to be a caring and sensitive soul on the HCG journey yourself, and if you walk over hot coals and give her a tribute of four gold shekels, she might be willing to give you access. No promises.

***for some idea, the idea of hyperlinking Jesus to a Wikipedia article in the same way you would link FIFA cracks me up.

Day 29	11/29/2010	203.2	-0.4	-26.4
Day 30	11/30/2010	203.2	0.0	-26.4
Day 31	12/1/2010	201.4	-1.8	-28.2
Day 32	12/2/2010	201	-0.4	-28.6
Day 33	12/3/2010	200.8	-0.2	-28.8
Day 34	12/4/2010	199.6	-0.8	-30
Day 35	12/5/2010	200.8	1.2	-28.8
Week 5 summary: down 2.8# this week; 28.8  total
Day 36	12/6/2010	200.8	0.0	28.8

Self Kindness

You didn't know I was going to get all hippy dippy on your asses, did you? ;)

Did my first yoga class today. The instructor kept reminding us to honor ourselves, our bodies and our practice. I spent most of the hour saying horrible things to myself in my head:

"If you weren't so fat, you wouldn't be out of breath."
"Your body looks so disgusting in that mirror."
"Look at how skinny the person next to you is."
"Look at the way your flabby arms move when you raise them over your head."
"Tug your shirt down over your fat stomach."
"Of course you can't hold yourself in down dog as long as everyone else, you're holding twice as much weight up."

If anyone else talked to me like that, and I mean ANYONE, I would get them out of my life so fast their head would spin. I apparently won't tolerate that kind of abuse from anyone but myself.

Anne Lamott talks about treating her thighs as kind and cherished older relatives; her "aunties." When she is feeling hostile toward her own body, she anoints the areas bearing the brunt of her ire in nice smelling creams, she dresses carefully, and she cares for her body tenderly and appreciatively.

This is easier said than done.

This body grew two children and carried them under its heart for nine months each. This body birthed two children naturally and then sustained them on its milk until they were old enough for other food. This body carries me every day to do the things I need to do for my work and my family. This body trained for a triathlon. Yes, it is overweight. Yes, I have neglected it in many, many ways. Yes, it would be able to do more if it were smaller, just as there was a time when it could have done more things if it were bigger.

I will try to stop abusing my body with terrible food, terrible words, and inaction. I will try to stop thinking horrible, cruel things when I see it in the mirror, regardless of how much weight I lose.