Down a pound today, but was hoping for a bigget break to the recent stall. Boo. This whole week feels like a wasted week so far.
My rebellious teenage side has been resistant to buckling down, but I'm recommitting today. If I'm gonna do it, I should just fucking do it even if I think the rules don't all make sense. No more whining, no more complaining, no more moping around. I'm giving it one week. One week of following this diet to absolute perfection, one week to see how much I can lose when I do things perfectly (although, I am still going to run 3 days a week and eat extra calories on those days).
My motto this week: STFU and do the damn diet.
Showing posts with label Cravings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cravings. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Stalled (Round 2, Phase2, Day 18)
OMFG this is dragging, especially now that I'm stalled. Why I am I stalled? The possible reasons are legion. The top two contenders are 1) a pretty major cheat on Saturday (babysitting swap at a neighbor's house and ate probably 300-400 calories of their corn chips, wheat thins, dried apricots and peanuts). They tell you on this diet that a cheat will show up for several days in a row. 2) My period; when I got my period in Round 1, I stalled for a few days too.
I've been saying I would probably stop at 23 days, but now that I'll hit that this week, I don't want to, especially on the heels of a stall. Interesting conversation with R this morning. He's been against the diet since Day 1, but now that I am so close to just finishing, he says it is his opinion that I should just knock it out and finish the 40 days.
Meanwhile, I have been on this diet for Thanksgiving, Christmas, both my kids' birthdays,both my parents' birthdays, my birthday, and now Valentine's Day. Dieting this time of year is not for pussies.
I'm learning less about my habits and my behaviors this time around. It just feels like a slog, like something I have to endure. Maybe that's just where I am right now.
I need a loss tomorrow, and I need a decent loss. I'd really like to get under 187, which seems unlikely, but that's what I'm wishing for. My motivation needs a boost.
Leave me some motivating comments!
I've been saying I would probably stop at 23 days, but now that I'll hit that this week, I don't want to, especially on the heels of a stall. Interesting conversation with R this morning. He's been against the diet since Day 1, but now that I am so close to just finishing, he says it is his opinion that I should just knock it out and finish the 40 days.
| 15 | 2/11/2011 | 188.4 | -1.0 |
| 16 | 2/12/2011 | 188.6 | 0.2 |
| 17 | 2/13/2011 | 188.8 | 0.2 |
| 18 | 2/14/2011 | 189 | 0.2 |
Meanwhile, I have been on this diet for Thanksgiving, Christmas, both my kids' birthdays,both my parents' birthdays, my birthday, and now Valentine's Day. Dieting this time of year is not for pussies.
I'm learning less about my habits and my behaviors this time around. It just feels like a slog, like something I have to endure. Maybe that's just where I am right now.
I need a loss tomorrow, and I need a decent loss. I'd really like to get under 187, which seems unlikely, but that's what I'm wishing for. My motivation needs a boost.
Leave me some motivating comments!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
What a Difference a Day Makes (Round 2, Phase 2, Day 12)
I know I must come across as totally schizophrenic. But I'm feeling positive again, mainly because I had a nice loss and feel like maybe this is working. I was down 1.6 today for a total of 8 pounds in 12 days (not counting load up weight. If I count load up weight, I'm down 13.2 pounds in 12 days).
Yes it's less weight than last time, yes it's less percentage of total weight, but it's still decent. Yesterday I had one egg + three egg whites in the morning (in addition to my regular protocol foods) because I was planning a long run. I still lost. I will do the same tomorrow.
I think I have mentioned that I am working with a local HCG coach, and she sent me an email this morning advising me to choose--I either have to stop training for the 10k or stop doing the diet. I think she made this suggestion based her read of the frustration I was feeling the last few days, but even when I said I was determined to stick it out at least the minimum of 23 days for a short round, she said she doesn't think that's a good idea. I also think that she is probably frustrated that I am monkeying around with her program--her philosophy is either do it right or don't do it at all. And it's true, I have had these small cheats almost every day--1/2 an extra grapefruit, an extra 20g of chicken, a cup of chicken broth, salsa, etc. I think those small cheats are the only thing that have kept me from an absolute binge when I am super hungry late at night. But I've still managed to lose 8 pounds in 12 days even with those cheats. Maybe I would have lost 10 or 15 if I hadn't been doing the cheats, but what is the harm of experimenting with it a bit?
Don't you love how, yesterday, I was all pissed about losing only 6 pounds in 11 days and now I am all happy about losing 8 lbs in 12 days? I fully recognize that I am ridiculous. I will be the first to admit it.
The coach's beef is not only about the cheating, it's really that she says it isn't a good idea to do any intense training during the VLCD portion of the plan. And the training I'm doing is intense (at least for me): it is training sessions 3x a week of roughly 70 minutes each where I alternate walking and running. This week was running for 3 minutes and then walking for 2 and repeating that 13 times. Next week will be running for 4 minutes and walking for 2. I am definitely wasted after these sessions, which is why I added in the egg white omelets. The treadmill tells me I am burning 600 calories in 70 minutes so it seems fine to add an extra 100 calories to my day.
I'm feeling frustrated and unsure...on the one hand, I finally feel motivated to actually stick this out for awhile, so why not just finish it, at least 23 days? On the other hand, someone who knows a lot more about this says I should stop, and I want to stop SO BAD because I am hungrier. I'm sitting here tonight thinking, "fuck it, I should just stop, finish the 10k training, and pick it up again in the late spring to lose the last 20." But I don't know. It's kind of working, even with my naughty modifications.
What to do, what to do? This diet is hard enough when you have people encouraging you every step of the way, when you have people actively telling you to stop, it's even harder to stay on the path.
It is 8:30 p.m. here on the east coast, and I feel like I would sell my soul for a handful of peanuts and a slice of cave-aged triple-cream brie on a crusty baguette.
Yes it's less weight than last time, yes it's less percentage of total weight, but it's still decent. Yesterday I had one egg + three egg whites in the morning (in addition to my regular protocol foods) because I was planning a long run. I still lost. I will do the same tomorrow.
I think I have mentioned that I am working with a local HCG coach, and she sent me an email this morning advising me to choose--I either have to stop training for the 10k or stop doing the diet. I think she made this suggestion based her read of the frustration I was feeling the last few days, but even when I said I was determined to stick it out at least the minimum of 23 days for a short round, she said she doesn't think that's a good idea. I also think that she is probably frustrated that I am monkeying around with her program--her philosophy is either do it right or don't do it at all. And it's true, I have had these small cheats almost every day--1/2 an extra grapefruit, an extra 20g of chicken, a cup of chicken broth, salsa, etc. I think those small cheats are the only thing that have kept me from an absolute binge when I am super hungry late at night. But I've still managed to lose 8 pounds in 12 days even with those cheats. Maybe I would have lost 10 or 15 if I hadn't been doing the cheats, but what is the harm of experimenting with it a bit?
Don't you love how, yesterday, I was all pissed about losing only 6 pounds in 11 days and now I am all happy about losing 8 lbs in 12 days? I fully recognize that I am ridiculous. I will be the first to admit it.
The coach's beef is not only about the cheating, it's really that she says it isn't a good idea to do any intense training during the VLCD portion of the plan. And the training I'm doing is intense (at least for me): it is training sessions 3x a week of roughly 70 minutes each where I alternate walking and running. This week was running for 3 minutes and then walking for 2 and repeating that 13 times. Next week will be running for 4 minutes and walking for 2. I am definitely wasted after these sessions, which is why I added in the egg white omelets. The treadmill tells me I am burning 600 calories in 70 minutes so it seems fine to add an extra 100 calories to my day.
I'm feeling frustrated and unsure...on the one hand, I finally feel motivated to actually stick this out for awhile, so why not just finish it, at least 23 days? On the other hand, someone who knows a lot more about this says I should stop, and I want to stop SO BAD because I am hungrier. I'm sitting here tonight thinking, "fuck it, I should just stop, finish the 10k training, and pick it up again in the late spring to lose the last 20." But I don't know. It's kind of working, even with my naughty modifications.
What to do, what to do? This diet is hard enough when you have people encouraging you every step of the way, when you have people actively telling you to stop, it's even harder to stay on the path.
It is 8:30 p.m. here on the east coast, and I feel like I would sell my soul for a handful of peanuts and a slice of cave-aged triple-cream brie on a crusty baguette.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Going Off the Reservation (Round 2, Phase 2, Day 11)
I think I've really gone off the reservation now.
Sunday was another day of cheating in the lamest, most unsatisfying and unfulfilling way you can imagine. Cheats from Sunday:
As I've mentioned, I've been training for this 10k. The last two times that I've had long runs while on the VLCD, I have been miserable the rest of the day--low energy, starving, and grumpy, and no accelerated weight loss to show for it. This morning, I knew I had a long run, so I ate scrambled eggs before I went running: one whole egg + 3 eggwhites, which should be less than 100 calories. According to the treadmill, I burned over 500 calories today, so I figured the extra 100 calories would be harmless. But I guess I'll see tomorrow. The good news is, I felt wonderful the rest of the day. Very proud and accomplished.
According to this website, you can't train intensely while on the VLCD. It says:
If I have to choose between exercise and finishing this round, I will choose exercise for now and give this thing another shot in a few months. I am six weeks into a training program that has already been really hard. I'm not going to just stop, especially since physical fitness and health is more the ultimate goal than a certain number on the scale. So I figured this week, I'll try eating the egg whites on running days and see if that helps with energy and weight loss. At the end of week 2, we'll see where things stand.
Math time.
I currently have a BMR of 1650 and based on that, my daily calorie needs should be about 2200 calories a day (I think that's conservative, it's probably more based on activity). If I'm eating, let's say 600 calories a day (which I'm not, I'm still under 500 most days, but have been up to 600 on a few days). That's a daily deficit of 1600 calories and a weekly deficit of 11,200 calories. A pound is 3500 calories, so that mean I should lose 3.2 lbs a week easily, no matter whether I eat vegetables in combination or turkey or salsa or any of the other things you're not supposed to do on this diet. If I lose 3.2 lbs a week for the whole 6 weeks, that will be 19 pounds. This feels hard to do for 19 pounds, even though that's a lot and would bring me within striking distance of my fairly arbitrary goal weight of 169!
Gosh, I don't know. I keep saying I won't decide now what I'm doing more than a day in the future, and then I keep trying to decide now anyway. That's kind of what I do, have you met me?
Sunday was another day of cheating in the lamest, most unsatisfying and unfulfilling way you can imagine. Cheats from Sunday:
- a cup of store-bought chicken broth sipped from a mug, because I was so hungry and so cold (ran out of heating oil, no heat for three days til delivery on Monday, the bastards). I looked at the ingredients, which were all P2-approved foods (chicken, celery, water, spices) except for the very last ingredient: honey. The broth was 25 calories a cup, so any sugar was minimal, but it was there, and I ate it knowing it was there.
- at a Super Bowl party Sunday night, I had about 10 steamed shrimp with salsa in addition to all my regular food for the day. I thought maybe it would be okay because it's a protein, which helps prevent water retention. The salsa was sugar-free, but included off-protocol veggies in the ingredient list (like green peppers), and of course it was mixed vegetables, which is not allowed. But MAN was it good. It was so flavorful and delicious.
As I've mentioned, I've been training for this 10k. The last two times that I've had long runs while on the VLCD, I have been miserable the rest of the day--low energy, starving, and grumpy, and no accelerated weight loss to show for it. This morning, I knew I had a long run, so I ate scrambled eggs before I went running: one whole egg + 3 eggwhites, which should be less than 100 calories. According to the treadmill, I burned over 500 calories today, so I figured the extra 100 calories would be harmless. But I guess I'll see tomorrow. The good news is, I felt wonderful the rest of the day. Very proud and accomplished.
According to this website, you can't train intensely while on the VLCD. It says:
Please remember that the combination of the low calorie diet and the exercise could cause the body to go into starvation mode; holding onto the weight you’re trying to lose. It has a negative impact by lowering your stamina and many then lose their commitment to the diet plan.So is it a combination of the minor cheats and the exercise that is stalling me on this round?
If I have to choose between exercise and finishing this round, I will choose exercise for now and give this thing another shot in a few months. I am six weeks into a training program that has already been really hard. I'm not going to just stop, especially since physical fitness and health is more the ultimate goal than a certain number on the scale. So I figured this week, I'll try eating the egg whites on running days and see if that helps with energy and weight loss. At the end of week 2, we'll see where things stand.
Math time.
I currently have a BMR of 1650 and based on that, my daily calorie needs should be about 2200 calories a day (I think that's conservative, it's probably more based on activity). If I'm eating, let's say 600 calories a day (which I'm not, I'm still under 500 most days, but have been up to 600 on a few days). That's a daily deficit of 1600 calories and a weekly deficit of 11,200 calories. A pound is 3500 calories, so that mean I should lose 3.2 lbs a week easily, no matter whether I eat vegetables in combination or turkey or salsa or any of the other things you're not supposed to do on this diet. If I lose 3.2 lbs a week for the whole 6 weeks, that will be 19 pounds. This feels hard to do for 19 pounds, even though that's a lot and would bring me within striking distance of my fairly arbitrary goal weight of 169!
Gosh, I don't know. I keep saying I won't decide now what I'm doing more than a day in the future, and then I keep trying to decide now anyway. That's kind of what I do, have you met me?
| Day | Date | Weight | Daily Change | Total Loss: Round 2 | Total Loss: Cumulative |
| LD 1 | 1/26/2011 | 199.6 | - | ||
| LD 2 | 1/27/2011 | 203 | 3.4 | ||
| 1 | 1/28/2011 | 204.6 | 1.6 | ||
| 2 | 1/29/2011 | 200.2 | -4.4 | ||
| 3 | 1/30/2011 | 198.8 | -1.4 | -1.4 | 30.8 |
| 4 | 1/31/2011 | 198.2 | -0.6 | -1.6 | 31.4 |
| 5 | 2/1/2011 | 197 | -1.2 | -2.4 | 32.6 |
| 6 | 2/2/2011 | 195.6 | -1.4 | -4.0 | 34 |
| 7 | 2/3/2011 | 194.2 | -1.4 | -5.4 | 35.4 |
| Week 1: down 5.4 for the week (not counting load weight), 35.4 total | |||||
| 8 | 2/4/2011 | 193.6 | -0.6 | -6.0 | -36 |
| 9 | 2/5/2011 | 193.2 | -0.4 | -6.4 | -36.4 |
| 10 | 2/6/2011 | 192.6 | -0.6 | -7.0 | -37 |
| 11 | 2/7/2011 | 193 | 0.4 | -6.6 | -36.6 |
| 12 | 2/8/2011 | ||||
| 13 | 2/9/2011 | ||||
| 14 | 2/10/2011 | ||||
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Maintenance, Day 9
So far, so good.
I just got back from two days in Michigan (I work from home on the east coast for a company based in Michigan, and they scheduled a company-wide meeting for Dec. 21st just as a big "MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS" to those of us with kids and/or, you know, lots of shit to do this time of year. I was very nervous about the trip to Michigan and how I would handle food at the bagel-and-pastry breakfasts, sandwich lunches, and corporate dinners. But I did some thinking ahead of time on how I would handle it, and I did okay. I did eat 580 calories of trail mix one day over various layovers and snacks, but I didn't go over calories that day, so I guess it was okay.
I continue to play it a little fast and loose with the first three week food protocol, which basically says you can't have anything but phase two foods in greater quantities and different combinations. I am trying other things in small quantities and finding out what works and what doesn't. For example, I've been doing loads of eggs, nuts, nut butters, cheese, and dairy, and so far it's working fine. I've had sweet potatoes twice, and I've had corn once, but no white potatoes or flour yet.
I'm definitely eating low(ish) carb, high(ish) fat, and perfect protein. Here's my chart for the last week from Spark People:
Here's my weight chart--I've stayed solidly within two pounds of my last HCG weight (198.2). I've been over and under my calorie target range; I just sort of eat what I want but track it so that I learn what 1500 or 1900 or 2200 calories feels like. I do think I need to try and get over 1800 on more of a regular basis now that I've maintained successfully for awhile. The whole point is to reset my body so it thinks it takes more calories to maintain this weight. I don't want it to think it can maintain this weight with only 1600 or 1700 calories a day; I'd much prefer my body think it needs 2100 to maintain this weight. 2100 calories is a lot of really good food. I suspect it goes fast when you're eating shit, but when you're minimizing carbs, it goes a long way, even eating high-fat foods like nuts and cheese.
A couple of interesting realizations along the road:
1. Diet drinks taste bad. I am supposed to wait 3 weeks before any fake sugar, but I was traveling, needed the energy rush, and so I had a Diet Cherry Coke. It was AWFUL. Now, I love(d) Diet Coke. I could drink it by the gallon. But I also know it's terrible for you in about a thousand ways, so it's good when you realize things that aren't good for you don't taste good.
2. Knowing something tastes bad is not enough of a disincentive for the likes of ME, at least not yet. After realizing Diet Coke was disgusting, I had another the next day, and then a small cup on the plane. WHY? I have no idea. Because I could? Because I remembered how much I used to like it? So I still need to work on this.
3. Sugar really sets me off. One morning, a colleague brought me coffee with french vanilla International Delight in it, which has sugar in it (or maybe high fructose corn syrup). I love coffee with vanilla-flavored creamer in it, and unlike the Diet Coke, the coffee did not disappoint. But I was CRAVING sugar the rest of the day. How weird is that? I mean, there can't be THAT much sugar in that vanilla creamer, but it was enough to set me off. Not only was I craving sweets and candies more than I have in weeks, I was HUNGRY all day. So it's a good reminder on a few fronts: 1) I should stay away from sugar awhile longer 2) it's not a disaster if I don't, and 3) I still need to pay attention to the difference between hunger and cravings.
4. Travel really sets me off. Work travel, which I do 8-10 times a year, has always been an excuse to throw any eating regimen out the window. I deal with the stress by eating, and now I have a habit of eating certain things whenever I'm in Michigan. That psychological pull was very strong this week even when the desire to eat wasn't there.
5. I can't get complacent. This has been mostly easy. But just tonight, we were having dinner with friends to make graham cracker houses with our collective 18 billion children. I ate a jelly bean here and there, had a beer (which makes no sense, because I don't even care about beer, so why waste the calories on it?) and had a huge amount of frito pie, which was the dinner option available (turkey chili with shredded cheese and fritos). I barely went over my calories today, but I ate until I was overfull, which is something I haven't done since I started this diet, and which I thought was behind me, at least for the short term. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to pay attention and be guided by the way I feel rather than the taste of the food.
Anyway, I mostly feel like things are going okay. I'm glad to have the work trip behind me. Not to worried about Christmas, or at least the FOOD part of Christmas.
I just got back from two days in Michigan (I work from home on the east coast for a company based in Michigan, and they scheduled a company-wide meeting for Dec. 21st just as a big "MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS" to those of us with kids and/or, you know, lots of shit to do this time of year. I was very nervous about the trip to Michigan and how I would handle food at the bagel-and-pastry breakfasts, sandwich lunches, and corporate dinners. But I did some thinking ahead of time on how I would handle it, and I did okay. I did eat 580 calories of trail mix one day over various layovers and snacks, but I didn't go over calories that day, so I guess it was okay.
I continue to play it a little fast and loose with the first three week food protocol, which basically says you can't have anything but phase two foods in greater quantities and different combinations. I am trying other things in small quantities and finding out what works and what doesn't. For example, I've been doing loads of eggs, nuts, nut butters, cheese, and dairy, and so far it's working fine. I've had sweet potatoes twice, and I've had corn once, but no white potatoes or flour yet.
I'm definitely eating low(ish) carb, high(ish) fat, and perfect protein. Here's my chart for the last week from Spark People:
| NUTRIENTS: | GOAL | 16-Dec | 17-Dec | 18-Dec | 19-Dec | 20-Dec | 21-Dec |
| Calories: | 1,870 - 2,220 | 1,460 | 2,207 | 1,708 | 1,698 | 2,144 | 1,914 |
| Fat: | 47 - 82 | 81 | 159 | 78 | 94 | 132 | 112 |
| Carbs: | 238 - 344 | 108 | 98 | 163 | 114 | 101 | 123 |
| Protein: | 60 - 186 | 84 | 100 | 102 | 119 | 150 | 123 |
Here's my weight chart--I've stayed solidly within two pounds of my last HCG weight (198.2). I've been over and under my calorie target range; I just sort of eat what I want but track it so that I learn what 1500 or 1900 or 2200 calories feels like. I do think I need to try and get over 1800 on more of a regular basis now that I've maintained successfully for awhile. The whole point is to reset my body so it thinks it takes more calories to maintain this weight. I don't want it to think it can maintain this weight with only 1600 or 1700 calories a day; I'd much prefer my body think it needs 2100 to maintain this weight. 2100 calories is a lot of really good food. I suspect it goes fast when you're eating shit, but when you're minimizing carbs, it goes a long way, even eating high-fat foods like nuts and cheese.
| Day | Date | Weight | Calories Range = 1870-2200) |
| Day 1 | 12/14/2010 | 198.2 | 967 |
| Day 2 | 12/15/2010 | 198.6 | 1437 |
| Day 3 | 12/16/2010 | 198.4 | 1460 |
| Day 4 | 12/17/2010 | 197.0 | 2207 |
| Day 5 | 12/18/2010 | 198.4 | 1708 |
| Day 6 | 12/19/2010 | 199.2 | 1697 |
| Day 7 | 12/20/2010 | 198.8 | 2144 |
| Day 8 | 12/21/2010 | - | 1914 |
| Day 9 | 12/22/2010 | 199.0 | 2288 |
A couple of interesting realizations along the road:
1. Diet drinks taste bad. I am supposed to wait 3 weeks before any fake sugar, but I was traveling, needed the energy rush, and so I had a Diet Cherry Coke. It was AWFUL. Now, I love(d) Diet Coke. I could drink it by the gallon. But I also know it's terrible for you in about a thousand ways, so it's good when you realize things that aren't good for you don't taste good.
2. Knowing something tastes bad is not enough of a disincentive for the likes of ME, at least not yet. After realizing Diet Coke was disgusting, I had another the next day, and then a small cup on the plane. WHY? I have no idea. Because I could? Because I remembered how much I used to like it? So I still need to work on this.
3. Sugar really sets me off. One morning, a colleague brought me coffee with french vanilla International Delight in it, which has sugar in it (or maybe high fructose corn syrup). I love coffee with vanilla-flavored creamer in it, and unlike the Diet Coke, the coffee did not disappoint. But I was CRAVING sugar the rest of the day. How weird is that? I mean, there can't be THAT much sugar in that vanilla creamer, but it was enough to set me off. Not only was I craving sweets and candies more than I have in weeks, I was HUNGRY all day. So it's a good reminder on a few fronts: 1) I should stay away from sugar awhile longer 2) it's not a disaster if I don't, and 3) I still need to pay attention to the difference between hunger and cravings.
4. Travel really sets me off. Work travel, which I do 8-10 times a year, has always been an excuse to throw any eating regimen out the window. I deal with the stress by eating, and now I have a habit of eating certain things whenever I'm in Michigan. That psychological pull was very strong this week even when the desire to eat wasn't there.
5. I can't get complacent. This has been mostly easy. But just tonight, we were having dinner with friends to make graham cracker houses with our collective 18 billion children. I ate a jelly bean here and there, had a beer (which makes no sense, because I don't even care about beer, so why waste the calories on it?) and had a huge amount of frito pie, which was the dinner option available (turkey chili with shredded cheese and fritos). I barely went over my calories today, but I ate until I was overfull, which is something I haven't done since I started this diet, and which I thought was behind me, at least for the short term. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to pay attention and be guided by the way I feel rather than the taste of the food.
Anyway, I mostly feel like things are going okay. I'm glad to have the work trip behind me. Not to worried about Christmas, or at least the FOOD part of Christmas.
Monday, December 6, 2010
100's, I Hardly Knew Ye (P2, D36)
After breaking the 200 barrier and getting in the 100's, I was back up the next day and then stayed the same today.
There are two possible reasons: 1) Remember that ONE ELBOW of mac and cheese that I ate on Saturday night? I know you aren't supposed to have any starch at all; they even discourage powdered stevia for the amount of starch/binder in that. I honestly didn't think that small amount made a difference, but it seems like it probably did. So am I really in the position of losing 2+ weight loss days out of my last week because I ate one elbow of mac and cheese, which was totally not worth it? It would appear that is my situation. 2) I ran out of voodoo drops on Friday unexpectedly, so I was taking a lot less than I normally take until I could get more (planned for Monday night, when I was already scheduled to see Shannon). Since Istill don't didn't believe in the voodoo drops 100% (I reckon I do now), I thought it would be no big deal to cut way back until it was convenient to take more, and/or stop entirely for a day or two. I managed to get some on Saturday, so I only went a day with fewer drops.
Kristoise would say it is the scale's inaccuracy or some normal bodily vicissitude that will correct itself. But look. I have deviated from the food plan exactly twice: once for a modicum of organic, free range turkey on Thanksgiving and once for one elbow of mac and cheese (have I mentioned yet that it was only ONE ELBOW!?!?!?!?) Both times I stalled or gained. I have deviated from the rest of the plan three times: I was using mint toothpaste early on (which you're not supposed to use with the homeopathy drops) and I was unwittingly using a Burt's Bees lip balm with oil in it, and I was taking about 1/4 of the recommended dosage of the HCG on Friday and Saturday. When I fixed those three things, the plateaus broke. So in my small case study of one, I have learned the following important lesson, which I guess I could only learn for myself despite being told it again and again by Shannon and others: FOLLOW THE FUCKING DIET. :) *
I only have three regular blog readers that I know of (at least commenters), and two of you know me well enough to know that I am not exactly a world-famous optimist. The third has been reading along long enough to have probably figured that out! I have been thinking and thinking this morning about the concept of self-sabotage--it seems a very common phenomenon that when someone breaks through a meaningful or symbolic barrier for them (under 200 pounds, back to their wedding weight, etc.), they fuck it up and gain it back within the next week. So I've been thinking, did I eat that ONE ELBOW of mac'n'cheese because I couldn't handle being under 200? Did I let my drops run out because I couldn't handle the success I'm having?
The possibility of this kind of self-sabotage doesn't resonate deeply with me...I don't feel like I'm afraid of success on this diet. But I also wouldn't put it past me or discount it entirely. I would honestly not be surprised if I uncovered some self-sabotage underneath everything if I really spent some time on it.
But here's the thing. Today, I am really not down at all about losing 2+ of my final 7 days of weight loss because of ONE ELBOW of macaroni and cheese or getting hubristic about not needing the drops. I was sort of beating myself up for fucking up almost out of habit, but I dunno, maybe Olivia** is starting to rub off on me, but I sort of look at this last-minute backtrack as a gift. And here's why:
1) After weeks of worrying about maintenance, I have started to get cocky about it and drink the kool-aid that it will be magically easy for me to resist foods that are bad for me. I think I needed to be pulled up short and reminded that I am someone who struggles with food. I just am, and I probably always will be. I'm hoping this weight loss gives me a jump start and motivates me to want to keep it off through healthy eating and exercise, but I am never going to be a person who looks at a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream and says "meh, I could take it or leave it." So on Saturday night, KNOWING that any starch at all could jeopardize DAYS of weight loss, I said, "fuck it, I'm eating one elbow of macaroni and cheese just to get the taste of it."
2) I have got to chill the fuck out about a pound gain here, a pound loss there. Gaining at the very end and not really making a federal case about it in my own mind feels really nice; like I am letting out a breath I have been holding in.
3) Similar to #2, being gentle with myself feels kind of liberating. This is something Ihave learned am learning from Olivia. My fear with being gentle with myself is that it's a slippery slope to a completely libertine world view. So, to take this as an example, if I don't beat the shit out of myself (metaphorically and mentally, of course) for fucking up the diet, then I will continue to fuck it up. What else would get me back on track other than severe punishment and recriminations? What I see Olivia do is be as gentle and forgiving with herself as she would be with me, and then GET BACK ON TRACK ANYWAY. It's kind of amazing, and it is a skill I'd like to practice. If it doesn't work and is, in fact, a slippery slope, I can always go back to beating myself back up.
4) For the cost of a pound or two and a stall of at least two days, I learned that Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (called "macken" in my house) is not good. It just isn't. When you shovel it mindlessly into your mouth and get hit with that nice salt and fat combo (see David Kessler's excellent book, the End of Overeating, for more on how the salt+fat+sugar trifecta gets you addicted to processed food), you feel good, and it tastes warm and comforting and yummy. It used to be one of my favorite "crap" foods. But when you have been eating a lot of air pie for 35 days, what it takes like is cheap, pasty, grainy pasta with watery, salty, flat-tasting cheese-ish sauce. More than learning that macken isn't good, I learned that some foods I used to love aren't good. I hope to carry that through to maintenance and beyond and learn to taste foods anew each time to discover if they are worth the time and calories before mindlessly eating then. This discovery alone was worth the cost.
Let me stop there lest you think the lady doth protest too much if she feels the need to write 101 reasons why she doesn't care at all that she gained/stalled. The bottom line is, I'm okay. Happy, even. I'd hoped to lose 35 pounds on this diet, and I still might. But if I only lose 30, it's okay. It's all good. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing--I'll try to get a walk today, drink plenty of water, eat foods that are protocol-approved, and NOT EAT EVEN ONE MACARONI ELBOW! I need to "watch and work and [not] give up." (~Anne Lamott)
My last day of drops is this Friday, then I go three more days on 500 calories, then Tuesday, a week from tomorrow, is my first day on maintenance.
*For those of you who are still skeptical about why or how someone's weight could be affected by all these seemingly silly and random rules, I have thoughts on that beyond the alleged chemical interactions of these foods. I'm going to do a separate post on that, hopefully later today if the ole day job doesn't interfere too much.
**Olivia is my groovy HCG diet buddy; can't even remember how we connected now, but we are on the same general P2 timeline, very close in weight, and have other similarities that have to do with a general willingness to try alternative/hippie dippie shit (does that sound fair, Olivia?) and a thoughtfulness about weight loss that is not characteristic of your average "ZOMG, I am sooo fattt" LOL" twitterer. Olivia is into EFT (or, what she calls "tapping") and Jesus***, and knows far more about these two topics than either of my two readers or myself. She is also a super optimist, a lovely soul, and someone who constantly looks on the bright side. She lives on the West Coast and we have never met.
Olivia blogs publicly at http://happyluau.blogspot.com/ and she also has a private HCG weight loss blog. She may or may not be willing to share that private blog with you, but she might if you prove yourself to be a caring and sensitive soul on the HCG journey yourself, and if you walk over hot coals and give her a tribute of four gold shekels, she might be willing to give you access. No promises.
***for some idea, the idea of hyperlinking Jesus to a Wikipedia article in the same way you would link FIFA cracks me up.
There are two possible reasons: 1) Remember that ONE ELBOW of mac and cheese that I ate on Saturday night? I know you aren't supposed to have any starch at all; they even discourage powdered stevia for the amount of starch/binder in that. I honestly didn't think that small amount made a difference, but it seems like it probably did. So am I really in the position of losing 2+ weight loss days out of my last week because I ate one elbow of mac and cheese, which was totally not worth it? It would appear that is my situation. 2) I ran out of voodoo drops on Friday unexpectedly, so I was taking a lot less than I normally take until I could get more (planned for Monday night, when I was already scheduled to see Shannon). Since I
Kristoise would say it is the scale's inaccuracy or some normal bodily vicissitude that will correct itself. But look. I have deviated from the food plan exactly twice: once for a modicum of organic, free range turkey on Thanksgiving and once for one elbow of mac and cheese (have I mentioned yet that it was only ONE ELBOW!?!?!?!?) Both times I stalled or gained. I have deviated from the rest of the plan three times: I was using mint toothpaste early on (which you're not supposed to use with the homeopathy drops) and I was unwittingly using a Burt's Bees lip balm with oil in it, and I was taking about 1/4 of the recommended dosage of the HCG on Friday and Saturday. When I fixed those three things, the plateaus broke. So in my small case study of one, I have learned the following important lesson, which I guess I could only learn for myself despite being told it again and again by Shannon and others: FOLLOW THE FUCKING DIET. :) *
I only have three regular blog readers that I know of (at least commenters), and two of you know me well enough to know that I am not exactly a world-famous optimist. The third has been reading along long enough to have probably figured that out! I have been thinking and thinking this morning about the concept of self-sabotage--it seems a very common phenomenon that when someone breaks through a meaningful or symbolic barrier for them (under 200 pounds, back to their wedding weight, etc.), they fuck it up and gain it back within the next week. So I've been thinking, did I eat that ONE ELBOW of mac'n'cheese because I couldn't handle being under 200? Did I let my drops run out because I couldn't handle the success I'm having?
The possibility of this kind of self-sabotage doesn't resonate deeply with me...I don't feel like I'm afraid of success on this diet. But I also wouldn't put it past me or discount it entirely. I would honestly not be surprised if I uncovered some self-sabotage underneath everything if I really spent some time on it.
But here's the thing. Today, I am really not down at all about losing 2+ of my final 7 days of weight loss because of ONE ELBOW of macaroni and cheese or getting hubristic about not needing the drops. I was sort of beating myself up for fucking up almost out of habit, but I dunno, maybe Olivia** is starting to rub off on me, but I sort of look at this last-minute backtrack as a gift. And here's why:
1) After weeks of worrying about maintenance, I have started to get cocky about it and drink the kool-aid that it will be magically easy for me to resist foods that are bad for me. I think I needed to be pulled up short and reminded that I am someone who struggles with food. I just am, and I probably always will be. I'm hoping this weight loss gives me a jump start and motivates me to want to keep it off through healthy eating and exercise, but I am never going to be a person who looks at a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream and says "meh, I could take it or leave it." So on Saturday night, KNOWING that any starch at all could jeopardize DAYS of weight loss, I said, "fuck it, I'm eating one elbow of macaroni and cheese just to get the taste of it."
2) I have got to chill the fuck out about a pound gain here, a pound loss there. Gaining at the very end and not really making a federal case about it in my own mind feels really nice; like I am letting out a breath I have been holding in.
3) Similar to #2, being gentle with myself feels kind of liberating. This is something I
4) For the cost of a pound or two and a stall of at least two days, I learned that Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (called "macken" in my house) is not good. It just isn't. When you shovel it mindlessly into your mouth and get hit with that nice salt and fat combo (see David Kessler's excellent book, the End of Overeating, for more on how the salt+fat+sugar trifecta gets you addicted to processed food), you feel good, and it tastes warm and comforting and yummy. It used to be one of my favorite "crap" foods. But when you have been eating a lot of air pie for 35 days, what it takes like is cheap, pasty, grainy pasta with watery, salty, flat-tasting cheese-ish sauce. More than learning that macken isn't good, I learned that some foods I used to love aren't good. I hope to carry that through to maintenance and beyond and learn to taste foods anew each time to discover if they are worth the time and calories before mindlessly eating then. This discovery alone was worth the cost.
Let me stop there lest you think the lady doth protest too much if she feels the need to write 101 reasons why she doesn't care at all that she gained/stalled. The bottom line is, I'm okay. Happy, even. I'd hoped to lose 35 pounds on this diet, and I still might. But if I only lose 30, it's okay. It's all good. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing--I'll try to get a walk today, drink plenty of water, eat foods that are protocol-approved, and NOT EAT EVEN ONE MACARONI ELBOW! I need to "watch and work and [not] give up." (~Anne Lamott)
My last day of drops is this Friday, then I go three more days on 500 calories, then Tuesday, a week from tomorrow, is my first day on maintenance.
*For those of you who are still skeptical about why or how someone's weight could be affected by all these seemingly silly and random rules, I have thoughts on that beyond the alleged chemical interactions of these foods. I'm going to do a separate post on that, hopefully later today if the ole day job doesn't interfere too much.
**Olivia is my groovy HCG diet buddy; can't even remember how we connected now, but we are on the same general P2 timeline, very close in weight, and have other similarities that have to do with a general willingness to try alternative/hippie dippie shit (does that sound fair, Olivia?) and a thoughtfulness about weight loss that is not characteristic of your average "ZOMG, I am sooo fattt" LOL" twitterer. Olivia is into EFT (or, what she calls "tapping") and Jesus***, and knows far more about these two topics than either of my two readers or myself. She is also a super optimist, a lovely soul, and someone who constantly looks on the bright side. She lives on the West Coast and we have never met.
Olivia blogs publicly at http://happyluau.blogspot.com/ and she also has a private HCG weight loss blog. She may or may not be willing to share that private blog with you, but she might if you prove yourself to be a caring and sensitive soul on the HCG journey yourself, and if you walk over hot coals and give her a tribute of four gold shekels, she might be willing to give you access. No promises.
***for some idea, the idea of hyperlinking Jesus to a Wikipedia article in the same way you would link FIFA cracks me up.
| Day 29 | 11/29/2010 | 203.2 | -0.4 | -26.4 |
| Day 30 | 11/30/2010 | 203.2 | 0.0 | -26.4 |
| Day 31 | 12/1/2010 | 201.4 | -1.8 | -28.2 |
| Day 32 | 12/2/2010 | 201 | -0.4 | -28.6 |
| Day 33 | 12/3/2010 | 200.8 | -0.2 | -28.8 |
| Day 34 | 12/4/2010 | 199.6 | -0.8 | -30 |
| Day 35 | 12/5/2010 | 200.8 | 1.2 | -28.8 |
| Week 5 summary: down 2.8# this week; 28.8 total | ||||
| Day 36 | 12/6/2010 | 200.8 | 0.0 | 28.8 |
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