On Hunger (aka P2D4)

Check it out! I haven't been below 220 since my first kid was born almost 6 years ago. I've been between 221-238 for the last 5 years.

I have seen on the HCG forums that you count your weight loss from your highest weight, not your pre-load day weight. In that case, I have lost 11 pounds in 3 days of the low calorie diet. Unbelievable. I definitely feel it in my stomach and face already, so it can't be all water weight. Is my scale working right? 11 pounds in 3 days?

Date	Weight	Change Since Last Weigh In	Total Weight Loss
10/30/2010	228.2	n/a	n/a
10/31/2010	228.6	0.4	0.4
11/1/2010	229.6	1	1.4
11/2/2010	225.6	-4	-4
11/3/2010	221.6	-4	-8
11/4/2010	218.6	-3	-11

Yeah. I'm still really fucking hungry. I think it is a tiny bit better today (day 4 of the 500-calorie stage), but I am still really fucking hungry. I've seen how this goes for people, and they forget how hard it was at the beginning. So I am here to testify: it is HARD. But so doable when you're seeing weight loss like this.

And here's the thing. I'm not in agony. I am uncomfortably hungry, but I'm not miserable. In yoga class today, the instructor talked about finding the point in the pose that was neither too comfortable nor too uncomfortable. She said if you're too comfortable, your mind will wander to other things, and you will be distracted. And if you're too uncomfortable, your mind will be focused on nothing but the pain and discomfort. You should find the middle ground so that you can focus and not be distracted. 

I sort of feel like that's where I am with my hunger. I often notice it throughout the day and think to myself, "Wow, I am really fucking hungry." But only at night after 10 or 11 p.m. (when I should be asleep anyway!) does it cross the line into discomfort. So I can handle it. I'm handling it. I don't feel like my energy is flagging. I don't feel really grumpy. If anything, I feel like my attitude is brighter and more positive than usual, either because of the detoxing that is happening or because of the hope I'm starting to have.

I'm told that the intense hunger lasts 5 days at most, and this is day4 for me. If I do a second round, I will definitely try to load better I'm hopeful that it will start to improve in the next couple of days. I'm also sort of afraid that the end of the hunger will bring the end of the crazy weight loss. I know I can't lose at this rate forever and that most women settle out to an average of about 0.5 to 0.75 pounds a day of weight loss, so that means I will almost certainly hit a patch where I'm losing much slower. It will be difficult to maintain motivation if I'm this hungry and losing 0.2 in a day. It's much easier to maintain motivation when I'm this hungry and losing 3 or 4 pounds a day.

Here's the other thing. One of the most frequent things I hear is, "why don't you do a more reasonable diet? Why something so extreme?" When I am eating 1300-1500 calories a day, I am craving things all day long. I feel hungry and irritable and deprived. And I lose a pound a week. The way I look at it, I can either be 60% uncomfortable and lose a pound a week, or I can be 80% uncomfortable and lose a pound a day.

So far on this diet, I actually do not feel like I am craving certain things. I just feel hungry. In a really weird way, it feels kind of good to be able to start to understand the difference between hunger and cravings; I think it will help me during maintenance.

So that's where things are for now. H-U-N-G-R-Y. But losing weight! So I'm doing okay for now.

Self Kindness

You didn't know I was going to get all hippy dippy on your asses, did you? ;)

Did my first yoga class today. The instructor kept reminding us to honor ourselves, our bodies and our practice. I spent most of the hour saying horrible things to myself in my head:

"If you weren't so fat, you wouldn't be out of breath."
"Your body looks so disgusting in that mirror."
"Look at how skinny the person next to you is."
"Look at the way your flabby arms move when you raise them over your head."
"Tug your shirt down over your fat stomach."
"Of course you can't hold yourself in down dog as long as everyone else, you're holding twice as much weight up."

If anyone else talked to me like that, and I mean ANYONE, I would get them out of my life so fast their head would spin. I apparently won't tolerate that kind of abuse from anyone but myself.

Anne Lamott talks about treating her thighs as kind and cherished older relatives; her "aunties." When she is feeling hostile toward her own body, she anoints the areas bearing the brunt of her ire in nice smelling creams, she dresses carefully, and she cares for her body tenderly and appreciatively.

This is easier said than done.

This body grew two children and carried them under its heart for nine months each. This body birthed two children naturally and then sustained them on its milk until they were old enough for other food. This body carries me every day to do the things I need to do for my work and my family. This body trained for a triathlon. Yes, it is overweight. Yes, I have neglected it in many, many ways. Yes, it would be able to do more if it were smaller, just as there was a time when it could have done more things if it were bigger.

I will try to stop abusing my body with terrible food, terrible words, and inaction. I will try to stop thinking horrible, cruel things when I see it in the mirror, regardless of how much weight I lose.