End of Week 2 (Round 2, Phase 2, Day 14)

A very solid but not overwhelmingly impressive end to my second week back on the HCG plan, except for two things: 1) I am officially in the 180's and have been for two days in a row! 2) I have now lost 40 pounds since Halloween.
 

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss: Round 2	Total Loss: Cumulative
LD 1	1/26/2011	199.6	-
LD 2	1/27/2011	203	3.4
1	1/28/2011	204.6	1.6
2	1/29/2011	200.2	-4.4
3	1/30/2011	198.8	-1.4	-1.4	30.8
4	1/31/2011	198.2	-0.6	-1.6	31.4
5	2/1/2011	197	-1.2	-2.4	32.6
6	2/2/2011	195.6	-1.4	-4.0	34
7	2/3/2011	194.2	-1.4	-5.4	35.4
Week 1: down 5.4 for the week (not counting load weight), 35.4 total
8	2/4/2011	193.6	-0.6	-6.0	-36
9	2/5/2011	193.2	-0.4	-6.4	-36.4
10	2/6/2011	192.6	-0.6	-7.0	-37
11	2/7/2011	193	0.4	-6.6	-36.6
12	2/8/2011	191.4	-1.6	-8.2	-38.2
13	2/9/2011	189.8	-1.6	-9.8	-38.8
14	2/10/2011	189.4	-0.4	-10.2	-40.2
Week 2: down 4.8 for the week, down 10.2 total in Round 2, down 39.2 overall

 
Today is my 35th birthday. I am realizing how much celebrating is done with food, because while I have made it through many other people's  birthdays without eating celebration food and have managed to have minimal resentment, almost everything I want to do today involves food. Special breakfast, special dinner, cake, ice cream, a movie with popcorn... 

But what I really want for my 35th birthday is just to lose a little more weight and be DONE with the shrinking and VLCD, so I am going to persevere through the temptation! The better I persevere, the more successful I'll be and the sooner this will be over. 

Someone brought peanut butter cookies to a meeting today, special for me on my birthday, and I didn't have any.

Crossing into the 180's has been very good for motivation, which continues to flag.I'm honestly still not sure if I will do this beyond 23 days. I'm trying just to let go and see what happens and see what I feel like.

For both my long training weeks this week, I have added eggs in the morning (~100 extra calories of protein to the existing 500 VLCD) and I have lost both times. I am still hungry and do not feel like I am performing at peak performance on these runs, but I am making it work for now.

So far, I'm not ready to give up on either the diet or the running.

Going Off the Reservation (Round 2, Phase 2, Day 11)

I think I've really gone off the reservation now.

Sunday was another day of cheating in the lamest, most unsatisfying and unfulfilling way you can imagine. Cheats from Sunday:

• a cup of store-bought chicken broth sipped from a mug, because I was so hungry and so cold (ran out of heating oil, no heat for three days til delivery on Monday, the bastards). I looked at the ingredients, which were all P2-approved foods (chicken, celery, water, spices) except for the very last ingredient: honey. The broth was 25 calories a cup, so any sugar was minimal, but it was there, and I ate it knowing it was there.
• at a Super Bowl party Sunday night, I had about 10 steamed shrimp with salsa in addition to all my regular food for the day. I thought maybe it would be okay because it's a protein, which helps prevent water retention. The salsa was sugar-free, but included off-protocol veggies in the ingredient list (like green peppers), and of course it was mixed vegetables, which is not allowed. But MAN was it good. It was so flavorful and delicious.

Today my weight was up a bit, I guess because of the "cheating," but it just seems so insignificant compared to eating a pan of brownies. And before Kristi chimes in to talk about scale margins of error, even if you look at a longer period of time, I'm down about a half a pound in four days this week. Almost every day, I've had an extra half portion of fruit or protein or an extra tablespoon of milk. I don't think this is self-sabotage; I really don't. I'm worried that I just don't care enough this time.

As I've mentioned, I've been training for this 10k. The last two times that I've had long runs while on the VLCD, I have been miserable the rest of the day--low energy, starving, and grumpy, and no accelerated weight loss to show for it. This morning, I knew I had a long run, so I ate scrambled eggs before I went running: one whole egg + 3 eggwhites, which should be less than 100 calories. According to the treadmill, I burned over 500 calories today, so I figured the extra 100 calories would be harmless. But I guess I'll see tomorrow. The good news is, I felt wonderful the rest of the day. Very proud and accomplished.

According to this website, you can't train intensely while on the VLCD. It says:

Please remember that the combination of the low calorie diet and the exercise could cause the body to go into starvation mode; holding onto the weight you’re trying to lose. It has a negative impact by lowering your stamina and many then lose their commitment to the diet plan.

So is it a combination of the minor cheats and the exercise that is stalling me on this round?

If I have to choose between exercise and finishing this round, I will choose exercise for now and give this thing another shot in a few months. I am six weeks into a training program that has already been really hard. I'm not going to just stop, especially since physical fitness and health is more the ultimate goal than a certain number on the scale. So I figured this week, I'll try eating the egg whites on running days and see if that helps with energy and weight loss. At the end of week 2, we'll see where things stand.

Math time.

I currently have a BMR of 1650 and based on that, my daily calorie needs should be about 2200 calories a day (I think that's conservative, it's probably more based on activity). If I'm eating, let's say 600 calories a day (which I'm not, I'm still under 500 most days, but have been up to 600 on a few days). That's a daily deficit of 1600 calories and a weekly deficit of 11,200 calories. A pound is 3500 calories, so  that mean I should lose 3.2 lbs a week easily, no matter whether I eat vegetables in combination or turkey or salsa or any of the other things you're not supposed to do on this diet. If I lose 3.2 lbs a week for the whole 6 weeks, that will be 19 pounds. This feels hard to do for 19 pounds, even though that's a lot and would bring me within striking distance of my fairly arbitrary goal weight of 169!

Gosh, I don't know. I keep saying I won't decide now what I'm doing more than a day in the future, and then I keep trying to decide now anyway. That's kind of what I do, have you met me?

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss: Round 2	Total Loss: Cumulative
LD 1	1/26/2011	199.6	-
LD 2	1/27/2011	203	3.4
1	1/28/2011	204.6	1.6
2	1/29/2011	200.2	-4.4
3	1/30/2011	198.8	-1.4	-1.4	30.8
4	1/31/2011	198.2	-0.6	-1.6	31.4
5	2/1/2011	197	-1.2	-2.4	32.6
6	2/2/2011	195.6	-1.4	-4.0	34
7	2/3/2011	194.2	-1.4	-5.4	35.4
Week 1: down 5.4 for the week (not counting load weight), 35.4 total
8	2/4/2011	193.6	-0.6	-6.0	-36
9	2/5/2011	193.2	-0.4	-6.4	-36.4
10	2/6/2011	192.6	-0.6	-7.0	-37
11	2/7/2011	193	0.4	-6.6	-36.6
12	2/8/2011
13	2/9/2011
14	2/10/2011

ARGH (Round 3, Phase 2, Day 9)

The last two days, I hate this diet. I really fucking hate this diet. I am hungry, I feel deprived, I feel desperate for real food in a way that feels really fucked up and unnatural. Last week was pretty easy in terms of hunger, but this week is not easy at all. It is taking every shred of self-control not to dive into a pile of food and eat like a depraved, starved animal. We've had kid birthday parties the last two days, with positively delicious-looking pizza at each one. I've had to handle and serve pizza and cupcakes and potato chips and not have any. My kids had barbecued chicken, buttered peas, apples, and roasted potatoes for dinner last night, and I thought I was going to knock them over to get that food. And the weight loss is soooo slow so I don't even feel rewarded. Two nights ago, I was so hungry that I ate an extra apple and a tangerine, and last night, I had an extra half grapefruit. Sort of cheating, I guess, because I ate more than my daily allotment of 2 fruits, but it is the lamest and most unrewarding cheating I have ever done in my damn life.

At the suggestion of faithful blog readers Kristoise and Holly, I did some math. Math: the refuge of desperate people.

• Not counting load days, but starting from pre-load weights: By day 9 of Round 1, I had lost 5.6% of my body weight. In Round 2, I've lost 3.5% of my body weight in the same amount of time.
• Including load days in total weight loss: Round 1, I lost 6.1% of my weight in nine days, and in Round 2, I have lost 5.8%. 

Either way, it is definitely slower this time around, no doubt about it. Could it be because I have less to lose (but then wouldn't you think the percentages would be the same?) Could it be that I don't have the same slavish devotion to every rule? (I had an extra fruit and a half this week and even, GASP, mixed my vegetables one night). Could it be that I am approaching the weight that is ideal for my body, and that even if I'd like to lose more, I'm close to the weight my body wants to be? I don't know what it is, but it is fucking frustrating.  

Can you tell I am feeling testy?

I decided this morning that I was only going to do 20 days on this diet this time and then maintenance. Then I decided I was going to stop when I got to 187, no matter how soon that happened. I am just hating it so much.

But then I did three things:

1) I went back and looked at my day 9 blog post from Round 1, and realized I was feeling a lot of this stuff then (albeit with more positive stuff mixed in). So even though I was kind of miserable in the beginning last time, by 2-3 weeks in, it felt really easy. It helps to be reminded by my own self and my own experience that this will get easier soon. Has anyone else noticed a real flagging in motivation right around 1.5 weeks?

2) I went and tried on this pair of Gap khaki jeans that I have saved for ten years. I have a picture of myself wearing them almost ten years ago, standing with Holly's kids when they came to visit me in DC shortly after my 25th birthday. I remember getting that picture developed at the time and thinking, "wow, I kind of look . . . good! I look like a normal person and not a fat person!" I had been on WW for about a year and a half at that point and had weighed around 186 for many months in a row. I'm now 192.6, so I thought I'd try on the pants. They fit! They are a tiny bit tight, but not too tight to wear in public. They are, of course, 10 years out of style, but whatever. They're just khakis, right?. I also tried on a bunch of skirts I bought at H&M about 10 years ago, and they fit too, and even look sort of cute! So to be able to wear these very symbolic pants feels like a huge milestone even though (have I mentioned this yet? Have you heard?) I really hate this fucking diet lately.

3) I went back and looked at my old WW weight logs. When I first started losing weight in 1999, it took me TEN MONTHS to lose 37 pounds. And it did not feel easy, it felt pretty hard. This time around I have lost 37 pounds since Halloween, or in roughly 3  months. And yes, it has been hard, FER SURE, but it has been in 1/3 the time. And though I have been very focused on weight loss this second round, I daresay the biggest benefits have not even been totally weight related. I know, HERESY.

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss: Round 2	Total Loss: Cumulative
LD 1	1/26/2011	199.6	-
LD 2	1/27/2011	203	3.4
1	1/28/2011	204.6	1.6
2	1/29/2011	200.2	-4.4
3	1/30/2011	198.8	-1.4	-1.4	30.8
4	1/31/2011	198.2	-0.6	-1.6	31.4
5	2/1/2011	197	-1.2	-2.4	32.6
6	2/2/2011	195.6	-1.4	-4.0	34
7	2/3/2011	194.2	-1.4	-5.4	35.4
Week 1: down 5.4 for the week (not counting load weight), 35.4 total
8	2/4/2011	193.6	-0.6	-6.0	-36
9	2/5/2011	193.2	-0.4	-6.4	-36.4
10	2/6/2011	192.6	-0.6	-7.0	-37

I felt very committed last time, and once I actually started, I was very certain I would finish the whole 40 days no matter what. I don't feel as committed or certain this time. So, look, no promises. I'm going to keep on keeping on until 21 days and see how I feel. That gives me 12 more days, which I can certainly do. I'm going to increase my drops from 12 drops three times a day to 15 drops three times a day. Either I will lose a bunch of weight in the next 12 days (10+ more lbs would be nice), in which case that will motivate me to keep going, or I won't lose a bunch of weight, which will motivate me to stay on longer.

Meanwhile, I'll just take it one day at a time and try to be "good" so I can lose as much as I can as quickly as I can. And I'm going to a fucking superbowl party tonight, where I will furiously knit in the corner and glower at the chili, chips, and onion dip, imagining that 100g of naked chicken, a tiny apple, 2c of spinach, and a bottle of water is JUST AS DELICIOUS AND SATISFYING as queso blanco, cold beer, and honey barbecue chicken wings.

Week One Report (Round 2, Phase 2, Day 7)

Round Two has been pretty different from Round One in a couple of ways. 1) During Round Two, I haven't been famished all week like I was for the first eight days of Round One, and it sounds like that's because I did a much better load up this time around. 2) I am losing much more slowly this time. Still respectable weight loss rate, but slow.

During Round One, I lost 13.8 pounds in the first week. Even if you don't count the load up weight coming off, I still lost 12 pounds in one week. This round, if you count the load up weight, I've lost 10.4 and if you don't count the load up weight, I've lost 5.4. To lose 5+ pounds in a week is still pretty good, but it's just a lot less than 12. I've said all along that the thing that makes this diet easy despite its intensity is that the weight loss results are also intense. Anyway, I'm trying to keep proper perspective on that. Overall, not counting the load weight from the second round, I've lost just over 35 pounds total. I'd love to lose 25 more on this round and get to 169 and see how that feels.

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss: Round 2	Total Loss: Cumulative
LD 1	1/26/2011	199.6	-
LD 2	1/27/2011	203	3.4
1	1/28/2011	204.6	1.6
2	1/29/2011	200.2	-4.4
3	1/30/2011	198.8	-1.4	-1.4	30.8
4	1/31/2011	198.2	-0.6	-1.6	31.4
5	2/1/2011	197	-1.2	-2.4	32.6
6	2/2/2011	195.6	-1.4	-4.0	34
7	2/3/2011	194.2	-1.4	-5.4	35.4
Week 1: down 5.4 for the week (not counting load weight), 35.4 total

Anybody else have experience with loss being slower on Round 2? Should I expect it to be more consistent? Can I still lose 30 pounds in a 40 days if I don't lose 13 the first week?

Another thing that's different is that my exercise is more intense this time. Last time I did a little yoga, a little walking, a little Pilates. This time I am training for a 10k. I find that I am really hungry on days when I train, which makes sense since I am probably burning more than 500 calories just on my training run. But if the HCG is truly freeing up all these stored fat calories for burning, then I'd think my energy level or ability to do intense exercise shouldn't be much different than it is when I'm not on HCG. My scientist friend K theorizes that I have plenty of caloric energy, but my blood sugar is lower, which makes it feel like I have less energy.

I have also had a very active week in general, aside from the running. Lots going on, lots of stress and late nights and unexpected surprises.

I'm just not as pumped up and excited this time around. Maybe because I feel less miserable and desperate? I'm also not doing the same self-care things I did last time--early bedtimes, late soaks in epsom salts and hot water, etc. Basically, I just feel worn out and tired and really ready to be done with this stupid diet, already.