I feel like my tag line (a skeptic takes on the HCG diet) requires me to do a little retrospective of the last 43 days. You know...misty, water-colored memories of the way we were.
When I started this diet, I thought it was absolute horse shit. I had seen a couple of good friends do well on it and had resisted joining them for months while I maintained a small weight loss and recovered from a serious ankle injury. But once my weight started creeping back up and I regained in a month what it had taken me 15 months to lose, I just panicked. I did my research. I talked about it with everyone I know (and most people fell into two camps: very in favor or very against). I weighed pros and cons. I carefully considered. And then I just did it, telling Shannon privately not to be embarrassed or to feel like a failure if I dropped out after a few days. I honestly did not think I could hack being super hungry.
And I was super hungry for the first week or so. I'm told it could be because I didn't load up properly or it could be because I had a lot of sugar detoxing to do. Who knows. But I was super hungry. And you know what? It didn't kill me! I felt otherwise fine. And I lost a shit load of weight the first week (13.8 lbs the first week alone). I started adjusting my expectations and planned to lose 35-40 pounds; after all, if I could lose almost 14 the first week, surely I could lose 26 more in FIVE additional weeks, right?
Weeks 2-5 were actually pretty easy. I ate mostly chicken and lean, grass-fed ground beef with occasional fish thrown in for variety. I pan fried my meat with no oil in a nonstick pan and usually ate it over a salad of spinach or mixed greens, though I did a lot of cucumber and tomato too. I varied my fruit as much as I could considering I was only allowed to have 4 different fruits. I tried to vary the time of day I ate. I did light exercise (yoga, walking) 3-5 times a week (the advice was to exercise a lesser amount but every day, I did more but not every day). My cheats were so minor that I think they hardly count as cheats, considering I could have binged on pizza or something.
I felt GOOD. I felt physically fine, mentally sharp, and mostly upbeat and positive. I felt so good that I forgot to take my crazy pills for a week (wellbutrin and lexapro) and had a bit of a crash, which manifested itself mostly in feeling really pissed off at everyone all the time. But mostly I felt less depressed and less anxious than I have in years. My theory is that sugar really tweaks my anxiety, but it's a theory I look forward to testing in a very conscious, deliberate way either during maintenance or on my next gorge days.
I don't think I had quite as much muscle strength or endurance as I normally do, but I had plenty to do my daily activities with ease plus some light exercise. I had way more energy at night in the 8-11p.m. time frame than I usually do.
I replaced some of my bad eating habits or routines with better habits: I've been exercising with friends a lot this month (shooting for 3x a week of either walks or pilates classes at the gym). I've been knitting at night while I watch TV (mostly Intervention), which feels relaxing and productive. I know watching TV is not ideal and that reading or doing something around the house would be better, and hopefully that will work well for me soon. I have been blogging a lot here and reading up on the diet, which I think has helped my daytime cravings and habits.
Week 6, I started to get hungry again, and I started to suspect that my body was just DONE, but I stuck with it mostly for bragging rights--I wanted to be able to say I finished the whole t hing. But I lost very little weight (in the following chart, you can see I lost only 1.4 lbs in the last 10 days. That would be a pretty normal rate for me on Weight Watchers, by the way; about a pound a week.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed that I didn't lose a little more. My goal was to lose 35-40 pounds (I have now learned that the MD associated with my local group says to stop at 34 no matter what, so I didn't even have a realistic goal in the first place!) and then be better positioned to lose the last 20 or so the old-fashioned way. But I have about 30 left to lose, so I feel fairly certain I'll be doing another round in late January/early February to get the last 30 off. And wouldn't it be nice if I could do it in 4 or 5 weeks instead of 6 weeks? I think Holly (a commenter) is going to do it with me then. Olivia can't start her second round until later in the spring because of various other life commitments, but I know she'll be following along and trying to actively participate in her own maintenance.
So, hearkening back to the pros and cons I did at the beginning before I knew what this diet was about, let me give a new perspective on the pros and cons.
PROS (of this diet, as opposed to diets in general):
1. You lose a lot of weight very fast. This allows you to maintain enthusiasm and will power because it gives you instant gratification.
2. You're eating super healthy food--organic meat, fruit and vegetables, which just makes you feel really good and healthy.
3. Anyone can do this--it's so short! It's only 40 days (or less even). If you hate it, you just have to hang in there for 6 weeks. Anyone can do that.
4. I had plenty of energy the whole time while still losing weight rapidly.
5. My body fat monitor says I have lost fat and increased muscle, despite losing 31 pounds in 43 days.
6. The limited choice of food actually frees you up from thinking about food all the time and figuring out how to game the system. You only have a few choices.
7. My sense of taste is greatly enhanced.
8. I understand more about the difference between cravings and hunger and hope to take that knowledge with me into maintenance and beyond.
9. This has been tremendous validation of my willpower for me, considering I haven't had much faith in it. I almost think a total detox diet like this was the only way I could get out of the sugar rut I was in. Had I done WW or a similar program, I would have cheated because I would have still been eating sugar, which would have let to binges.
10. It is relatively easy, or at least it feels easy. While I have blogged at length about how I think some of the rules are really dumb, they really aren't THAT hard to follow, whether or not you believe them. I swear. I know it looks hard, but it really wasn't. I am giving you the straight skinny here--I'm not selling drops or anything.
11. HUGE health benefits. I have lost 31 pounds, reduced my BMI from 34 to 29 (from obese to merely overweight), and some recent lab tests confirmed that this diet (probably in conjunction with the massive exercise program I undertook from January through July) has reduced my bad cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar and raised my good cholesterol. The last time I had labs done was in early 2008 right after having a baby, so it's been almost 3 years, but the exercise and diet are the most likely culprits for the positive changes in my labs.
12. Discipline and confidence--it has got to be good for my weight loss efforts and for my psyche overall to really believe I can do something instead of constantly feeling like a big failure.
CONS (of this particular diet, as opposed to diets in general):
1. I was worried about the impact of this diet on my almost-6-year-old daughter, and in fact she was very aware of it. No matter how I tried to explain it to her in terms of health and shrinking my body to make intense exercise safer, she was constantly offering me food. Somewhere along the line, she learned about Karen Carpenter (probably because her horrible Christmas carol is on the radio every five minutes) and in the last few days has asked me if I am starving myself and if I'm going to die "like that singer." I look at it as an opportunity for education, but I would never, ever, recommend that SHE ever do this diet to lose weight (unnecessarily extreme, at least for anyone under 21), which I recognize is highly hypocritical.
2. It ain't cheap. The drops cost between $20-60 a pop, depending on where you get them and what you get. I needed three "pops." I am lucky to have a friend who has been coaching me to prepare for starting an HCG clinic, but some people also pay hundreds for the coaching.
3. Eating is a pain. We eat out a lot, we eat with friends a lot, and there is just no way to do that safely. The food is too specific. So I had to either eat before I went or bring my own food, either of which leads to questions and logistical annoyances. Plus, the food is so limited it gets boring.
4. I felt a little like a crazy person. I have a lot of smart, rational friends and relatives who looked on this diet at best with bemused acceptance and at worst with hostility. This diet just SOUNDS crazy, and when you tell people about it, they think you are crazy. That won't bother some people, but it was really hard for me. The social support for a radical diet like this is just not there the same way it is for other kinds of eating regiments.
5. You get sort of obsessed with your weight and the diet, which could be a bad thing for people with a history of certain kinds of eating disorders. I thought about food very little, but I thought about the diet a lot. I think it would be hard to be very successful without that kind of focus. But I will say my productiveness at work flagged in the last few weeks, what with maintaining this blog and researching recipes and such.
6. There remains little or no scientific evidence of the validity of this diet, which can make it hard to power through when motivation is flagging (which is why the quick weight loss is such a good reinforcement). There are very few case studies out there on the interwebz of long-term, successful weight loss. There are very few studies of any kind either about the HCG diet in general or the homeopathic HCG drops in particular.
*******
On balance? Not the slightest regret. I am so glad I did it. It started out as an experiment, and now I am 31 pounds lighter in 43 days. The real proof will be whether I have kept it off in 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years. I feel like I have some things in place that will help me succeed on the maintenance plan, and I have learned a lot about my own body that will serve me well in the next round.
Would I recommend it to someone else? A qualified yes. If you have at least 20 pounds to lose, if you have a history of issues with food, if you feel like you have tried lots of other things and failed, and if you are prepared to really commit to this 100% for 6 weeks of weight loss and 6 weeks of maintenance, then yes, I would recommend it for you.
If any of these conditions aren't true, I would consider a more traditional weight loss program first.
Thoughts? Comments? Agree or disagree with any of my pros and cons?
Showing posts with label Support. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Support. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
The End is Near! (P2, D39)
Down 0.4 today, and tomorrow is my last day of drops.
I got excellent news last night from Shannon. They have a new medical director and a new homeopath on board who has officially loosened up some of the most onerous rules related to the voodoo drops.
All mint is now allowed, which means mint toothpaste! Woot! Still no gum, but just because the doc says it can make people hungry. So I guess that means if it doesn't make you hungry, then it's okay to have (though, on the other hand, its probably impossible to find gum sweetened with stevia instead of aspartame).
Also, I no longer have to wait 30 minutes before and after each dosage of voodoo drops. That never made sense to me anyway, because they are so diluted anyway and then are absorbing under your tongue, how can it matter if you drink water 5 minutes after you take them? It is hard to get all your water in when there are basically three waking hours that you can't have anything to eat or drink, smack dab in the middle of the morning and afternoon. So on my second to last day of voodoo drops, taking the voodoo drops just got a lot easier.
I feel really good today. My face and neck suddenly feel thinner (even though the scale doesn't show a big change), and I am walking around feeling thin and graceful.
R and I had a really good talk yesterday about how the last 40 days has gone, what we expect from the next 40 days, etc. It was nice to be able to talk to him about this; he has been involved peripherally in some conversations with other people but doesn't show much interest in it otherwise. I know he supports me but still doesn't love this whole plan and is probably sick of hearing about it. So I dunno, it felt nice to confide in him.
| Day 36 | 12/6/2010 | 200.8 | 0.0 | 28.8 |
| Day 37 | 12/7/2010 | 199.2 | -1.6 | -30.4 |
| Day 38 | 12/8/2010 | 199.2 | 0.0 | -30.4 |
| Day 39 | 12/9/2010 | 198.8 | -0.4 | -30.8 |
I got excellent news last night from Shannon. They have a new medical director and a new homeopath on board who has officially loosened up some of the most onerous rules related to the voodoo drops.
All mint is now allowed, which means mint toothpaste! Woot! Still no gum, but just because the doc says it can make people hungry. So I guess that means if it doesn't make you hungry, then it's okay to have (though, on the other hand, its probably impossible to find gum sweetened with stevia instead of aspartame).
Also, I no longer have to wait 30 minutes before and after each dosage of voodoo drops. That never made sense to me anyway, because they are so diluted anyway and then are absorbing under your tongue, how can it matter if you drink water 5 minutes after you take them? It is hard to get all your water in when there are basically three waking hours that you can't have anything to eat or drink, smack dab in the middle of the morning and afternoon. So on my second to last day of voodoo drops, taking the voodoo drops just got a lot easier.
I feel really good today. My face and neck suddenly feel thinner (even though the scale doesn't show a big change), and I am walking around feeling thin and graceful.
R and I had a really good talk yesterday about how the last 40 days has gone, what we expect from the next 40 days, etc. It was nice to be able to talk to him about this; he has been involved peripherally in some conversations with other people but doesn't show much interest in it otherwise. I know he supports me but still doesn't love this whole plan and is probably sick of hearing about it. So I dunno, it felt nice to confide in him.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
100's, We Meet Again (P2, D37)
Back in the 100's today, which is nice, and feels more permanent than it did last time. Here's what the last week and a half looks like:
Y'all, my body just wants to be done with this for awhile. If I wasn't trying to prove something to myself by going the whole 40 days (which it turns out is actually 43 days, since you stop taking the drops on day 40 but keep doing the low calorie thing for 3 more days), I probably would have just stopped already. I can feel my body craving fat and calories and taste and FOOD! I'm getting progressively hungrier and hungrier, and am having some low blood pressure symptoms (nothing dangerous). I guess it's good to notice those feelings, know I can live with them, know that they don't have to result in binge eating, and know it will be over soon. It's good to know that my body is capable of having intuition about what it needs, even though I will be ignoring that intuition for the next few days. Ha. Tough shit, body wisdom!!
Last night I went to a group meeting for a bunch of women who are doing this locally, and got mesaured again. It's only been two weeks and 8 pounds since I was measured last, so I wasn't expecting much. But I was actually way UP in a lot of areas, which just doesn't make sense to me.
If you look at this chart, you can see that I lost HUGE inches between my first measurement date on 10/27 and my second, which was after a 20 lb weight loss. It was a big deal at the time and heralded by me and others as proof of the diet's amazing success at not only reducing pounds but reducing inches.
Last night, which was only two weeks later and 7 pounds later, I actually gained inches in some areas (neck, arms, bra line, knee?) That seems unlikely if not impossible. Yes, I've been doing yoga and walking, but not enough to build the kind of muscle mass that would increase my size despite weight loss. I think what is more likely is that those 11/20 measurements were wrong (what did we expect considering they were done furtively in a bathroom in the back of a kid's gym??) Probably I should delete that column all together and just look at the first measurement compared to last night's measurement, which reflected a difference of 27 pounds and 5 weeks on the diet. It makes a lot more sense.
Bottom line, I'm wearing jeans that are 2 sizes smaller, and I have lost almost 3" off each thigh and my hips, almost 5" off my waist, and 3.5" off my shoulders in 5 weeks. I'm happy.
I learned a lot about maintenance last night, which was very useful. The current thinking is that you should basically do the first two weeks of maintenance using the same foods as you have been using in phase 2, but just more of everything so you're getting more calories. They're advising holding off on adding eggs and cheese and nuts and oils right away, which is a huge fucking bummer, because as you know, I have been dreaming of the eggs and cheese I would have on Tuesday, 12/14, two weeks from today.
Ideally, on day one of maintenance, you would eat the same kind of stuff you have been eating with two exceptions: you would eat it 5 times a day instead of twice a day, and you can mix vegetables to your heart's content for all kinds of salads and soups. You can experiment with small amounts of oil or dairy or eggs and see what happens, but ideally not more than one new thing in a day so that you can isolate the cause if you have an increase. Then on week 3, you can start to add very limited and careful starches, always making sure you're never more than 2 pounds up from your last recorded HCG weight. I think I've got this right. Somebody correct me if I'm wrong.
As for food intake, you're supposed to eat when you're hungry, pay attention to how you feel, not count calories, but make sure you eat basically as much as you can while still maintaining your new weight.
After 6 weeks, you are ready to begin normal life, which involves eating all foods in moderation, or you can go back for another round. Still undecided on that, but leaning toward another round in late January, hoping to be done with this shit forever and ever Amen by late February/early March.
| Day 29 | 11/29/2010 | 203.2 | -0.4 | -26.4 |
| Day 30 | 11/30/2010 | 203.2 | 0.0 | -26.4 |
| Day 31 | 12/1/2010 | 201.4 | -1.8 | -28.2 |
| Day 32 | 12/2/2010 | 201 | -0.4 | -28.6 |
| Day 33 | 12/3/2010 | 200.8 | -0.2 | -28.8 |
| Day 34 | 12/4/2010 | 199.6 | -0.8 | -30 |
| Day 35 | 12/5/2010 | 200.8 | 1.2 | -28.8 |
| Week 5 summary: down 2.8# this week; 28.8 total | ||||
| Day 36 | 12/6/2010 | 200.8 | 0.0 | 28.8 |
| Day 37 | 12/7/2010 | 199.2 | -1.6 | -30.4 |
Y'all, my body just wants to be done with this for awhile. If I wasn't trying to prove something to myself by going the whole 40 days (which it turns out is actually 43 days, since you stop taking the drops on day 40 but keep doing the low calorie thing for 3 more days), I probably would have just stopped already. I can feel my body craving fat and calories and taste and FOOD! I'm getting progressively hungrier and hungrier, and am having some low blood pressure symptoms (nothing dangerous). I guess it's good to notice those feelings, know I can live with them, know that they don't have to result in binge eating, and know it will be over soon. It's good to know that my body is capable of having intuition about what it needs, even though I will be ignoring that intuition for the next few days. Ha. Tough shit, body wisdom!!
Last night I went to a group meeting for a bunch of women who are doing this locally, and got mesaured again. It's only been two weeks and 8 pounds since I was measured last, so I wasn't expecting much. But I was actually way UP in a lot of areas, which just doesn't make sense to me.
If you look at this chart, you can see that I lost HUGE inches between my first measurement date on 10/27 and my second, which was after a 20 lb weight loss. It was a big deal at the time and heralded by me and others as proof of the diet's amazing success at not only reducing pounds but reducing inches.
Last night, which was only two weeks later and 7 pounds later, I actually gained inches in some areas (neck, arms, bra line, knee?) That seems unlikely if not impossible. Yes, I've been doing yoga and walking, but not enough to build the kind of muscle mass that would increase my size despite weight loss. I think what is more likely is that those 11/20 measurements were wrong (what did we expect considering they were done furtively in a bathroom in the back of a kid's gym??) Probably I should delete that column all together and just look at the first measurement compared to last night's measurement, which reflected a difference of 27 pounds and 5 weeks on the diet. It makes a lot more sense.
| DATE: | Difference from 10/27 to 11/20 | Difference from 11/20-12/6 | Difference 10/27 to 12/6 |
| WEIGHT: | 20.2 | -7.2 | -27.4 |
| Neck | -1.75 | +0.75 | -1 |
| Shoulders | -3 | -0.5 | -3.5 |
| Right Arm | -3.25 | +2.25 | -1 |
| Left Arm | -2 | +1 | -1 |
| Upper Chest | -2.25 | 0 | -2.25 |
| Chest/Bust | -3.5 | 0 | -3.5 |
| Bra Line | -4.5 | +3 | -1.5 |
| Upper Stomach | -1.75 | -1.75 | -3.5 |
| Waist | -4.75 | 0 | -4.75 |
| Belly | -4.25 | -0.75 | -5 |
| Hips | -2.75 | 0 | -2.75 |
| Right Thigh | -2.75 | 0 | -2.75 |
| Right Knee | -1.5 | +1 | -0.5 |
| Right Calf | -1.5 | 0 | -1.5 |
| Left Thigh | -2 | 0 | -2 |
| Left Knee | -0.5 | 0 | -0.5 |
| Left Calf | -1.5 | 0 | -1.5 |
| TOTAL | -43.5 | +5 | -38.5 |
Bottom line, I'm wearing jeans that are 2 sizes smaller, and I have lost almost 3" off each thigh and my hips, almost 5" off my waist, and 3.5" off my shoulders in 5 weeks. I'm happy.
I learned a lot about maintenance last night, which was very useful. The current thinking is that you should basically do the first two weeks of maintenance using the same foods as you have been using in phase 2, but just more of everything so you're getting more calories. They're advising holding off on adding eggs and cheese and nuts and oils right away, which is a huge fucking bummer, because as you know, I have been dreaming of the eggs and cheese I would have on Tuesday, 12/14, two weeks from today.
Ideally, on day one of maintenance, you would eat the same kind of stuff you have been eating with two exceptions: you would eat it 5 times a day instead of twice a day, and you can mix vegetables to your heart's content for all kinds of salads and soups. You can experiment with small amounts of oil or dairy or eggs and see what happens, but ideally not more than one new thing in a day so that you can isolate the cause if you have an increase. Then on week 3, you can start to add very limited and careful starches, always making sure you're never more than 2 pounds up from your last recorded HCG weight. I think I've got this right. Somebody correct me if I'm wrong.
As for food intake, you're supposed to eat when you're hungry, pay attention to how you feel, not count calories, but make sure you eat basically as much as you can while still maintaining your new weight.
After 6 weeks, you are ready to begin normal life, which involves eating all foods in moderation, or you can go back for another round. Still undecided on that, but leaning toward another round in late January, hoping to be done with this shit forever and ever Amen by late February/early March.
Monday, December 6, 2010
100's, I Hardly Knew Ye (P2, D36)
After breaking the 200 barrier and getting in the 100's, I was back up the next day and then stayed the same today.
There are two possible reasons: 1) Remember that ONE ELBOW of mac and cheese that I ate on Saturday night? I know you aren't supposed to have any starch at all; they even discourage powdered stevia for the amount of starch/binder in that. I honestly didn't think that small amount made a difference, but it seems like it probably did. So am I really in the position of losing 2+ weight loss days out of my last week because I ate one elbow of mac and cheese, which was totally not worth it? It would appear that is my situation. 2) I ran out of voodoo drops on Friday unexpectedly, so I was taking a lot less than I normally take until I could get more (planned for Monday night, when I was already scheduled to see Shannon). Since Istill don't didn't believe in the voodoo drops 100% (I reckon I do now), I thought it would be no big deal to cut way back until it was convenient to take more, and/or stop entirely for a day or two. I managed to get some on Saturday, so I only went a day with fewer drops.
Kristoise would say it is the scale's inaccuracy or some normal bodily vicissitude that will correct itself. But look. I have deviated from the food plan exactly twice: once for a modicum of organic, free range turkey on Thanksgiving and once for one elbow of mac and cheese (have I mentioned yet that it was only ONE ELBOW!?!?!?!?) Both times I stalled or gained. I have deviated from the rest of the plan three times: I was using mint toothpaste early on (which you're not supposed to use with the homeopathy drops) and I was unwittingly using a Burt's Bees lip balm with oil in it, and I was taking about 1/4 of the recommended dosage of the HCG on Friday and Saturday. When I fixed those three things, the plateaus broke. So in my small case study of one, I have learned the following important lesson, which I guess I could only learn for myself despite being told it again and again by Shannon and others: FOLLOW THE FUCKING DIET. :) *
I only have three regular blog readers that I know of (at least commenters), and two of you know me well enough to know that I am not exactly a world-famous optimist. The third has been reading along long enough to have probably figured that out! I have been thinking and thinking this morning about the concept of self-sabotage--it seems a very common phenomenon that when someone breaks through a meaningful or symbolic barrier for them (under 200 pounds, back to their wedding weight, etc.), they fuck it up and gain it back within the next week. So I've been thinking, did I eat that ONE ELBOW of mac'n'cheese because I couldn't handle being under 200? Did I let my drops run out because I couldn't handle the success I'm having?
The possibility of this kind of self-sabotage doesn't resonate deeply with me...I don't feel like I'm afraid of success on this diet. But I also wouldn't put it past me or discount it entirely. I would honestly not be surprised if I uncovered some self-sabotage underneath everything if I really spent some time on it.
But here's the thing. Today, I am really not down at all about losing 2+ of my final 7 days of weight loss because of ONE ELBOW of macaroni and cheese or getting hubristic about not needing the drops. I was sort of beating myself up for fucking up almost out of habit, but I dunno, maybe Olivia** is starting to rub off on me, but I sort of look at this last-minute backtrack as a gift. And here's why:
1) After weeks of worrying about maintenance, I have started to get cocky about it and drink the kool-aid that it will be magically easy for me to resist foods that are bad for me. I think I needed to be pulled up short and reminded that I am someone who struggles with food. I just am, and I probably always will be. I'm hoping this weight loss gives me a jump start and motivates me to want to keep it off through healthy eating and exercise, but I am never going to be a person who looks at a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream and says "meh, I could take it or leave it." So on Saturday night, KNOWING that any starch at all could jeopardize DAYS of weight loss, I said, "fuck it, I'm eating one elbow of macaroni and cheese just to get the taste of it."
2) I have got to chill the fuck out about a pound gain here, a pound loss there. Gaining at the very end and not really making a federal case about it in my own mind feels really nice; like I am letting out a breath I have been holding in.
3) Similar to #2, being gentle with myself feels kind of liberating. This is something Ihave learned am learning from Olivia. My fear with being gentle with myself is that it's a slippery slope to a completely libertine world view. So, to take this as an example, if I don't beat the shit out of myself (metaphorically and mentally, of course) for fucking up the diet, then I will continue to fuck it up. What else would get me back on track other than severe punishment and recriminations? What I see Olivia do is be as gentle and forgiving with herself as she would be with me, and then GET BACK ON TRACK ANYWAY. It's kind of amazing, and it is a skill I'd like to practice. If it doesn't work and is, in fact, a slippery slope, I can always go back to beating myself back up.
4) For the cost of a pound or two and a stall of at least two days, I learned that Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (called "macken" in my house) is not good. It just isn't. When you shovel it mindlessly into your mouth and get hit with that nice salt and fat combo (see David Kessler's excellent book, the End of Overeating, for more on how the salt+fat+sugar trifecta gets you addicted to processed food), you feel good, and it tastes warm and comforting and yummy. It used to be one of my favorite "crap" foods. But when you have been eating a lot of air pie for 35 days, what it takes like is cheap, pasty, grainy pasta with watery, salty, flat-tasting cheese-ish sauce. More than learning that macken isn't good, I learned that some foods I used to love aren't good. I hope to carry that through to maintenance and beyond and learn to taste foods anew each time to discover if they are worth the time and calories before mindlessly eating then. This discovery alone was worth the cost.
Let me stop there lest you think the lady doth protest too much if she feels the need to write 101 reasons why she doesn't care at all that she gained/stalled. The bottom line is, I'm okay. Happy, even. I'd hoped to lose 35 pounds on this diet, and I still might. But if I only lose 30, it's okay. It's all good. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing--I'll try to get a walk today, drink plenty of water, eat foods that are protocol-approved, and NOT EAT EVEN ONE MACARONI ELBOW! I need to "watch and work and [not] give up." (~Anne Lamott)
My last day of drops is this Friday, then I go three more days on 500 calories, then Tuesday, a week from tomorrow, is my first day on maintenance.
*For those of you who are still skeptical about why or how someone's weight could be affected by all these seemingly silly and random rules, I have thoughts on that beyond the alleged chemical interactions of these foods. I'm going to do a separate post on that, hopefully later today if the ole day job doesn't interfere too much.
**Olivia is my groovy HCG diet buddy; can't even remember how we connected now, but we are on the same general P2 timeline, very close in weight, and have other similarities that have to do with a general willingness to try alternative/hippie dippie shit (does that sound fair, Olivia?) and a thoughtfulness about weight loss that is not characteristic of your average "ZOMG, I am sooo fattt" LOL" twitterer. Olivia is into EFT (or, what she calls "tapping") and Jesus***, and knows far more about these two topics than either of my two readers or myself. She is also a super optimist, a lovely soul, and someone who constantly looks on the bright side. She lives on the West Coast and we have never met.
Olivia blogs publicly at http://happyluau.blogspot.com/ and she also has a private HCG weight loss blog. She may or may not be willing to share that private blog with you, but she might if you prove yourself to be a caring and sensitive soul on the HCG journey yourself, and if you walk over hot coals and give her a tribute of four gold shekels, she might be willing to give you access. No promises.
***for some idea, the idea of hyperlinking Jesus to a Wikipedia article in the same way you would link FIFA cracks me up.
There are two possible reasons: 1) Remember that ONE ELBOW of mac and cheese that I ate on Saturday night? I know you aren't supposed to have any starch at all; they even discourage powdered stevia for the amount of starch/binder in that. I honestly didn't think that small amount made a difference, but it seems like it probably did. So am I really in the position of losing 2+ weight loss days out of my last week because I ate one elbow of mac and cheese, which was totally not worth it? It would appear that is my situation. 2) I ran out of voodoo drops on Friday unexpectedly, so I was taking a lot less than I normally take until I could get more (planned for Monday night, when I was already scheduled to see Shannon). Since I
Kristoise would say it is the scale's inaccuracy or some normal bodily vicissitude that will correct itself. But look. I have deviated from the food plan exactly twice: once for a modicum of organic, free range turkey on Thanksgiving and once for one elbow of mac and cheese (have I mentioned yet that it was only ONE ELBOW!?!?!?!?) Both times I stalled or gained. I have deviated from the rest of the plan three times: I was using mint toothpaste early on (which you're not supposed to use with the homeopathy drops) and I was unwittingly using a Burt's Bees lip balm with oil in it, and I was taking about 1/4 of the recommended dosage of the HCG on Friday and Saturday. When I fixed those three things, the plateaus broke. So in my small case study of one, I have learned the following important lesson, which I guess I could only learn for myself despite being told it again and again by Shannon and others: FOLLOW THE FUCKING DIET. :) *
I only have three regular blog readers that I know of (at least commenters), and two of you know me well enough to know that I am not exactly a world-famous optimist. The third has been reading along long enough to have probably figured that out! I have been thinking and thinking this morning about the concept of self-sabotage--it seems a very common phenomenon that when someone breaks through a meaningful or symbolic barrier for them (under 200 pounds, back to their wedding weight, etc.), they fuck it up and gain it back within the next week. So I've been thinking, did I eat that ONE ELBOW of mac'n'cheese because I couldn't handle being under 200? Did I let my drops run out because I couldn't handle the success I'm having?
The possibility of this kind of self-sabotage doesn't resonate deeply with me...I don't feel like I'm afraid of success on this diet. But I also wouldn't put it past me or discount it entirely. I would honestly not be surprised if I uncovered some self-sabotage underneath everything if I really spent some time on it.
But here's the thing. Today, I am really not down at all about losing 2+ of my final 7 days of weight loss because of ONE ELBOW of macaroni and cheese or getting hubristic about not needing the drops. I was sort of beating myself up for fucking up almost out of habit, but I dunno, maybe Olivia** is starting to rub off on me, but I sort of look at this last-minute backtrack as a gift. And here's why:
1) After weeks of worrying about maintenance, I have started to get cocky about it and drink the kool-aid that it will be magically easy for me to resist foods that are bad for me. I think I needed to be pulled up short and reminded that I am someone who struggles with food. I just am, and I probably always will be. I'm hoping this weight loss gives me a jump start and motivates me to want to keep it off through healthy eating and exercise, but I am never going to be a person who looks at a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream and says "meh, I could take it or leave it." So on Saturday night, KNOWING that any starch at all could jeopardize DAYS of weight loss, I said, "fuck it, I'm eating one elbow of macaroni and cheese just to get the taste of it."
2) I have got to chill the fuck out about a pound gain here, a pound loss there. Gaining at the very end and not really making a federal case about it in my own mind feels really nice; like I am letting out a breath I have been holding in.
3) Similar to #2, being gentle with myself feels kind of liberating. This is something I
4) For the cost of a pound or two and a stall of at least two days, I learned that Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (called "macken" in my house) is not good. It just isn't. When you shovel it mindlessly into your mouth and get hit with that nice salt and fat combo (see David Kessler's excellent book, the End of Overeating, for more on how the salt+fat+sugar trifecta gets you addicted to processed food), you feel good, and it tastes warm and comforting and yummy. It used to be one of my favorite "crap" foods. But when you have been eating a lot of air pie for 35 days, what it takes like is cheap, pasty, grainy pasta with watery, salty, flat-tasting cheese-ish sauce. More than learning that macken isn't good, I learned that some foods I used to love aren't good. I hope to carry that through to maintenance and beyond and learn to taste foods anew each time to discover if they are worth the time and calories before mindlessly eating then. This discovery alone was worth the cost.
Let me stop there lest you think the lady doth protest too much if she feels the need to write 101 reasons why she doesn't care at all that she gained/stalled. The bottom line is, I'm okay. Happy, even. I'd hoped to lose 35 pounds on this diet, and I still might. But if I only lose 30, it's okay. It's all good. I just need to keep doing what I'm doing--I'll try to get a walk today, drink plenty of water, eat foods that are protocol-approved, and NOT EAT EVEN ONE MACARONI ELBOW! I need to "watch and work and [not] give up." (~Anne Lamott)
My last day of drops is this Friday, then I go three more days on 500 calories, then Tuesday, a week from tomorrow, is my first day on maintenance.
*For those of you who are still skeptical about why or how someone's weight could be affected by all these seemingly silly and random rules, I have thoughts on that beyond the alleged chemical interactions of these foods. I'm going to do a separate post on that, hopefully later today if the ole day job doesn't interfere too much.
**Olivia is my groovy HCG diet buddy; can't even remember how we connected now, but we are on the same general P2 timeline, very close in weight, and have other similarities that have to do with a general willingness to try alternative/hippie dippie shit (does that sound fair, Olivia?) and a thoughtfulness about weight loss that is not characteristic of your average "ZOMG, I am sooo fattt" LOL" twitterer. Olivia is into EFT (or, what she calls "tapping") and Jesus***, and knows far more about these two topics than either of my two readers or myself. She is also a super optimist, a lovely soul, and someone who constantly looks on the bright side. She lives on the West Coast and we have never met.
Olivia blogs publicly at http://happyluau.blogspot.com/ and she also has a private HCG weight loss blog. She may or may not be willing to share that private blog with you, but she might if you prove yourself to be a caring and sensitive soul on the HCG journey yourself, and if you walk over hot coals and give her a tribute of four gold shekels, she might be willing to give you access. No promises.
***for some idea, the idea of hyperlinking Jesus to a Wikipedia article in the same way you would link FIFA cracks me up.
| Day 29 | 11/29/2010 | 203.2 | -0.4 | -26.4 |
| Day 30 | 11/30/2010 | 203.2 | 0.0 | -26.4 |
| Day 31 | 12/1/2010 | 201.4 | -1.8 | -28.2 |
| Day 32 | 12/2/2010 | 201 | -0.4 | -28.6 |
| Day 33 | 12/3/2010 | 200.8 | -0.2 | -28.8 |
| Day 34 | 12/4/2010 | 199.6 | -0.8 | -30 |
| Day 35 | 12/5/2010 | 200.8 | 1.2 | -28.8 |
| Week 5 summary: down 2.8# this week; 28.8 total | ||||
| Day 36 | 12/6/2010 | 200.8 | 0.0 | 28.8 |
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Breakthrough Day (P2, D20)
By breakthrough day, I don't mean in weight. I mean in self discovery, aka navel-gazing voodoo. But first to the weight, which is my custom. Down 0.8 pounds for a total of 4.4 this week and 21.8 total. Working the plan, working the plan.
I have written before on this blog about how I have taken some shit for this diet. My friends Z and her husband B have been particularly skeptical. B is one of my favorite men in the world. He's just very kind and dear and genuine, and a wee bit affably dorky. He's also seriously left-brained and scientific, and when I ran into him yesterday at the gym, he said, "so am I allowed to make jokes about this ridiculous diet?" Gentle teasing and sarcasm is sort of the way Z&B and R and I relate to each other. I said, "Actually, NO." He made a half-hearted attempt at a joke anyway, and I froze him out. I was actually really pissed about it.
We were all invited to dinner at a third couple's house that night. I dutifully made and brought my own food. B wouldn't talk to me or make eye contact with me the whole night. Several upsetting things have been building for me over the last week, and I've been getting increasingly touchy and depressed. When I got home last night, I had a complete breakdown because I thought B didn't have any respect for me anymore, which opened up a whole can of worms about my fears that R doesn't have any respect for me anymore. It's like if you have a friend who you think is this totally normal, sane, logical, intelligent person and they convert to Mormonism or Scientology or something. Wouldn't it call your whole relationship with that person into question? It's not that you can't come back from it (and no offense to the Mormon or Scientologist HCGers who may be reading this blog), but it would throw you for a loop. I was crying and crying (for the first time in a very long time) and just feeling totally alone, like the people I know in town who are on this diet can't make room for my skepticism and the people who aren't just think I am batshit crazy.
My little breakdown led to a really sweet conversation with R, who was more than a little tipsy from all the fine Italian wine served at dinner. He conceded that the real reason he was against this diet is that he thought it was unhealthy and that I would be miserable and anxious and bitchy and depressed (what he actually said was that he thought it would be a repeat of the postpartum phase, which was a bear both times). R said that I was the same as ever. There was minimal impact on him, and that he wants me to be successful and wants to support me. It was really lovely and sweet and supportive and nice.
So there was that.
I saw B at a birthday party today where we were both dropping off our kids. Again, he wouldn't talk to me or make eye contact with me and was just very weird. So I asked him if he thought I was crazy now and if he didn't like me anymore. He stammered, he murmured, but he wouldn't come out and say, "no! What are you talking about? There's nothing wrong!" And clearly there was. I finally said, "I know you don't understand this and you don't think it's smart or logical, but just give me a chance to show you that I'm not any different, that I'm not any less smart or logical about everything else."
B hesitated, chewed his lip and then said, "the truth is, you said I can't make jokes about it, and that's how I relate to people, and I'm afraid that I'm going to screw up and say the wrong thing, and I'm afraid that you are going to lose your sense of humor." So I told him it wasn't that he couldn't EVER make jokes about it, he just couldn't right now, and that he could still make jokes about LOTS of things and that I promised I wouldn't lose my sense of humor and I promised that we would eventually make jokes about it together. I am actually quite good at self-deprecating humor.
We got distracted by kid stuff at that point, but I felt settled and calmed. A few minutes later, he was leaving the party and ran over and whispered into my ear, "I think you're smart and funny and beautiful and don't worry about it." And he kissed my cheek. And I actually got tears in my eyes about what a dear, sweet man he is.
So that was another thing.
At this same kid's birthday party, I also cleared up another problem/misunderstanding with another friend that had been weighing on me for a few days. I told her calmly and fairly that something she said upset me without making it a bigger deal than it was but also without playing down how much it bothered me. And she explained her true meaning, and we talked about it, and it was all cleared up. And I still like her, and she still likes me, and the world did not come to a screeching halt because I was honest about my feelings in a way that might hurt someone else's feelings.
It's hard to describe why, but this just feels like a MAJOR breakthrough on all my worries about what other people think.
I woke up this morning with a terrible sore throat and a stiff and achy body. R let me stay in bed all morning because we both thought I was sick. But I think I was just having some kind of psychic illness and all these events are rolling up together to finally break me out of my basically week-long funk. Fucking finally!
My friend H told me at the very beginning of this diet process that I needed to stop listening to what everyone else thought I should do and what everyone else wanted me to do. On one side I have my HCG coach and other local friends doing HCG who say "Don't listen to the skeptics. Listen to us. Do everything just like we say and don't listen to everyone else or anyone else. Have faith. Don't deviate at all and don't experiment." On the other side, I have my husband and a few skeptical friends and family members who say, "don't listen to the people who say this diet works. Listen to us. Listen to rationality and science. Listen to years of research that say that the way to lose weight is reasonable diet and exercise." And then of course there are also a few lovely people who know about this blog who are not doing either of those things, who simply support me and take interest in me and trust me to make my own decisions. And more and more people from the skeptic group are moving into the support group (R, Z) which is wonderful.
But it shouldn't really matter. I am not doing something dangerous or unhealthy. I am not giving myself shit and calling it shineola. I am doing an unconventional diet with promising but not guaranteed long-term result. I am a grown-ass woman, and you know what? I am fucking smart. And so if I think this is what I need to be doing now, I need to trust myself and, as H said, STOP LISTENING TO EVERYONE ELSE. Truthfully, it is flattering that I have so many people who care enough about me to give a shit about this. There are not many people I care enough about that I would feel compelled to get involved in their personal relationship with food and their body in any role other than a supportive one. So I tell myself that I am lucky that people give a shit how I am taking care of my body, even if it doesn't always feel welcome.
So, yeah. It feels like I have had a small and hopefully somewhat permanent breakthrough on the narrowly-defined topic of WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF KAT'S DIET. Now let's talk about the upcoming royal wedding.
| Day 15 | 11/15/2010 | 212.4 | 0.2 | -17.2 |
| Day 16 | 11/16/2010 | 210 | -2.4 | -19.6 |
| Day 17 | 11/17/2010 | 210.2 | 0.2 | 19.4 |
| Day 18 | 11/18/2010 | 209.4 | 0.8 | 20.2 |
| Day 19 | 11/19/2010 | 208.6 | 0.8 | 21 |
| Day 20 | 11/20/2010 | 208 | 0.8 | 21.8 |
I have written before on this blog about how I have taken some shit for this diet. My friends Z and her husband B have been particularly skeptical. B is one of my favorite men in the world. He's just very kind and dear and genuine, and a wee bit affably dorky. He's also seriously left-brained and scientific, and when I ran into him yesterday at the gym, he said, "so am I allowed to make jokes about this ridiculous diet?" Gentle teasing and sarcasm is sort of the way Z&B and R and I relate to each other. I said, "Actually, NO." He made a half-hearted attempt at a joke anyway, and I froze him out. I was actually really pissed about it.
We were all invited to dinner at a third couple's house that night. I dutifully made and brought my own food. B wouldn't talk to me or make eye contact with me the whole night. Several upsetting things have been building for me over the last week, and I've been getting increasingly touchy and depressed. When I got home last night, I had a complete breakdown because I thought B didn't have any respect for me anymore, which opened up a whole can of worms about my fears that R doesn't have any respect for me anymore. It's like if you have a friend who you think is this totally normal, sane, logical, intelligent person and they convert to Mormonism or Scientology or something. Wouldn't it call your whole relationship with that person into question? It's not that you can't come back from it (and no offense to the Mormon or Scientologist HCGers who may be reading this blog), but it would throw you for a loop. I was crying and crying (for the first time in a very long time) and just feeling totally alone, like the people I know in town who are on this diet can't make room for my skepticism and the people who aren't just think I am batshit crazy.
My little breakdown led to a really sweet conversation with R, who was more than a little tipsy from all the fine Italian wine served at dinner. He conceded that the real reason he was against this diet is that he thought it was unhealthy and that I would be miserable and anxious and bitchy and depressed (what he actually said was that he thought it would be a repeat of the postpartum phase, which was a bear both times). R said that I was the same as ever. There was minimal impact on him, and that he wants me to be successful and wants to support me. It was really lovely and sweet and supportive and nice.
So there was that.
I saw B at a birthday party today where we were both dropping off our kids. Again, he wouldn't talk to me or make eye contact with me and was just very weird. So I asked him if he thought I was crazy now and if he didn't like me anymore. He stammered, he murmured, but he wouldn't come out and say, "no! What are you talking about? There's nothing wrong!" And clearly there was. I finally said, "I know you don't understand this and you don't think it's smart or logical, but just give me a chance to show you that I'm not any different, that I'm not any less smart or logical about everything else."
B hesitated, chewed his lip and then said, "the truth is, you said I can't make jokes about it, and that's how I relate to people, and I'm afraid that I'm going to screw up and say the wrong thing, and I'm afraid that you are going to lose your sense of humor." So I told him it wasn't that he couldn't EVER make jokes about it, he just couldn't right now, and that he could still make jokes about LOTS of things and that I promised I wouldn't lose my sense of humor and I promised that we would eventually make jokes about it together. I am actually quite good at self-deprecating humor.
We got distracted by kid stuff at that point, but I felt settled and calmed. A few minutes later, he was leaving the party and ran over and whispered into my ear, "I think you're smart and funny and beautiful and don't worry about it." And he kissed my cheek. And I actually got tears in my eyes about what a dear, sweet man he is.
So that was another thing.
At this same kid's birthday party, I also cleared up another problem/misunderstanding with another friend that had been weighing on me for a few days. I told her calmly and fairly that something she said upset me without making it a bigger deal than it was but also without playing down how much it bothered me. And she explained her true meaning, and we talked about it, and it was all cleared up. And I still like her, and she still likes me, and the world did not come to a screeching halt because I was honest about my feelings in a way that might hurt someone else's feelings.
It's hard to describe why, but this just feels like a MAJOR breakthrough on all my worries about what other people think.
I woke up this morning with a terrible sore throat and a stiff and achy body. R let me stay in bed all morning because we both thought I was sick. But I think I was just having some kind of psychic illness and all these events are rolling up together to finally break me out of my basically week-long funk. Fucking finally!
My friend H told me at the very beginning of this diet process that I needed to stop listening to what everyone else thought I should do and what everyone else wanted me to do. On one side I have my HCG coach and other local friends doing HCG who say "Don't listen to the skeptics. Listen to us. Do everything just like we say and don't listen to everyone else or anyone else. Have faith. Don't deviate at all and don't experiment." On the other side, I have my husband and a few skeptical friends and family members who say, "don't listen to the people who say this diet works. Listen to us. Listen to rationality and science. Listen to years of research that say that the way to lose weight is reasonable diet and exercise." And then of course there are also a few lovely people who know about this blog who are not doing either of those things, who simply support me and take interest in me and trust me to make my own decisions. And more and more people from the skeptic group are moving into the support group (R, Z) which is wonderful.
But it shouldn't really matter. I am not doing something dangerous or unhealthy. I am not giving myself shit and calling it shineola. I am doing an unconventional diet with promising but not guaranteed long-term result. I am a grown-ass woman, and you know what? I am fucking smart. And so if I think this is what I need to be doing now, I need to trust myself and, as H said, STOP LISTENING TO EVERYONE ELSE. Truthfully, it is flattering that I have so many people who care enough about me to give a shit about this. There are not many people I care enough about that I would feel compelled to get involved in their personal relationship with food and their body in any role other than a supportive one. So I tell myself that I am lucky that people give a shit how I am taking care of my body, even if it doesn't always feel welcome.
So, yeah. It feels like I have had a small and hopefully somewhat permanent breakthrough on the narrowly-defined topic of WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF KAT'S DIET. Now let's talk about the upcoming royal wedding.
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