Bizarro World, aka the Size of the Banana (P3, D3)

Well.

This is not at all what I expected.

Only three days in, I know, but this is easy! I will admit to throwing most of my rules out the window after the first day, because it is damn near impossible to get anywhere CLOSE to enough calories eating only lean meats and vegetables and fruits. So while I planned to wait weeks before adding much dairy or nuts, I did some of both on the second day. You know what else I did on the second day? I went out to a Tunisian restaurant before going to a play with some friends, and ordered a chicken kebab that was served on a bed of cous cous, and I ate some of the cous cous, which is a whole grain, but is still a grain, which is completely verboten for 3 weeks. I know, I am TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL. I ate less than half a cup, maybe even closer to a quarter of a cup, but I had some. I also had ONE of my friend's corn fritters (sweet corn deep fried), which was about the size of a plantain slice, and which was delicious.

Out of habit, I am going to that comfortable place of beating myself up for not sticking to the plan. But I really feel fine about it. This feels like adaptability and flexibility rather than failure.  My weight is totally stable so far, though who knows if it will stay that way. I am gradually increasing my calories, so even though I'm eating some new foods, I'm still eating fewer calories than I need to eventually be eating. I wonder if the composition of food (i.e. fats and carbs) will make a bigger difference when I am eating closer to 1800-2000 calories a day.

I read on SparkPeople that when you are going from a weight loss plan to a weight maintenance plan, you should increase your calories by around 200 a day. Since my plan was to count calories but not let the counting dictate the intake too much, I haven't gone at that exact pace, but I definitely haven't gone right to 2000 calories from 500.

Buy y'all, this feels easy and normal. I don't even know how to describe how surprised I am and how weird it feels. I have been super busy at work, but I am just going about my day, eating when I get hungry, eating food that tastes good and enjoying it. WHAT IS UP WITH THIS MADNESS?

 Do you know what happened to me today? I ate a banana and was entering it into my food diary on Spark People. Now, normally when I am entering a banana into a food diary, I can easily convince myself that every banana is a small banana. I can eat a banana that is 10" long, and I will say to myself, "yep, I'd call that a small banana." After all, a large banana can be 40-50 calories more than a small banana. So today? I ate what was probably a medium banana and found myself wanting to log it as a large banana because I'm having trouble eating all my calories. WHAT?!?!? Same thing with the trail mix. Normally a heaping 1/4 cup translates to a quarter cup; today I counted a sparse quarter cup as a quarter cup. This is truly Bizarro World for me. The lesson, I suppose, is that in both regular world and Bizarro World, I don't know the difference between a large and a small banana (insert penis joke here).

I feel like a NORMAL person around food. I had that small, quarter cup of trail mix today, and it was enough. I had the slightest compulsive eating twinge (the twinges of I WANT MORE even if I don't need more), but it was so easy to let it go.

I know this is the very beginning, and I know this hasn't gotten hard yet. I know I will have to be vigilant, and that my emotional eating issues have plenty of time to rear their ugly heads. I also know that maybe it really is too soon for this kind of eating, and I might see a weird and large gain any day now, in which case I will calmly and easily adjust back and take out some of the nuts and dairy again for awhile.

However, I am going to try very hard to stay off of 100% processed carbs and sugar for the first three weeks, no matter how well things go or how cocky I get. I may try some brown rice, starchy veggies and legumes, etc. sine the cous cous was fine, but I'm not going to mess with any white sugar, pasta, white rice, bread, etc. for at least the first three weeks and maybe the whole six weeks of maintenance. My other hard and fast rule is no eating after 8 p.m. I'm hungry right now, but not famished.

That's another thing that is so weird. I totally know I can handle hunger now. I have eaten shit so many times in my life because I was hungry and didn't have the time/ energy/ money/ whatever to eat something healthy. But dude, I just ate 500 calories for 40 days! (My friend B pointed out that was 20,000 calories more than Jesus had during Lent. Ha.) I can wait fucking 10 minutes to saute a chicken breast instead of eating a box of crackers, you know?

Meanwhile, holy shit. I thought I was amazed during the HCG phase, but I am really amazed now. If it stays like this even for a week or two, it will feel miraculous to me. It's fucking Christmas, y'all, and I don't hate myself or my family! There's a first for everything!

Day	Date	Weight	Calories	Exercise
Day 1	12/14/2010	198.2	967.0	none
Day 2	12/15/2010	198.6	1437.0	pilates
Day 3	12/16/2010	198.4	1460.0	none

Last Day of Drops (P2, D40)

Y'all, I have been eating 500 calories a day for 40 days. 500 healthy calories. I honestly didn't think I could do it. Again, not to glamorize starving yourself (because I haven't been that hungry for most of the 40 days), but I am kind of proud of myself that I have stuck with this. It hasn't been impossible, but it hasn't been easy. I have eaten at friends' houses (and brought my own food or eaten before or after) 13 times in the 40 days. I have hosted my WW mother-in-law at my house for the weekend (and am doing it again this weekend). I've survived Thanksgiving and early Christmas party season. It hasn't been easy. But I did it! And today is my 40th day!

After today, which is my last day of voodoo drops, I have three more days of 500 calories. However, we are driving to Washington, DC tomorrow with my inlaws for a special Christmas production--it's a family tradition and one that we do every year. I think I can do pretty well with food choices but maybe not 100% protocol. We'll see how it goes--it may be impossible to get totally naked meat and only one protocol vegetable. I guess I could make some food and bring it with me. I'm gonna think on it.

I lost 0.4 this morning, so continued slow loss. I technically had my third cheat of the diet last night, though it was unintentional. I had to pick up my dinner at the local health food store in between a meeting and my pottery class, and they had chicken deli meat, fresh off the roasted chicken breast. I looked at the ingredients and didn't see anything bad (no oil, no sugar, just spices), so I ate about 4 slices and then saw an asterisk on the list of ingredients that said "*less than 1% of each of the following," and one of them was honey. But I still lost a little this morning. I was kind of expecting a bigger drop today; I feel smaller. Maybe it will come tomorrow, or maybe my body is just done for now.

I haven't reached the goal that I thought would be pretty easy to each (195 lbs or less). And I don't think I'm going to get there in the next 3 days at the rate I'm losing now. But I am really and truly okay with that. I've had a little attitude shift in the last week or so. I just feel really good.

I lost 2.8 last week and 2.4 so far this week. I was thinking this morning that I probably should have stopped this about a week ago, but in for a dime, in for a dollar, you know? If I do another round in late January/early February to get some more off, I think I am going to listen to my body a bit more and quit sooner if I feel like I should.

I feel awesome today. I went to Pilates at 8:10 this morning. I looked around the room, and you know what? I was probably still the biggest person in there, but not so big that everyone else would be wondering what the fat girl was doing in an exercise class. I am wearing cute little yoga pants that make my ass look pretty good and a cute little yoga top that shows off my waist. I'm excited to start doing more strength-building exercise once I'm eating a bit more food and have the calories to support it.

I almost, nearly, for about a half second looked at my body in all those pilates studio mirrors and thought, "hmm, maybe I'm done. Maybe this is good enough." I'm still very overweight according to BMI and weight though, but it was nice to be kind and flattering and appreciative of myself for that one half second. It also helped that I ran into a few people I know at the gym and every single one of them commented on my weight loss. One didn't even recognize me. I know external validation shouldn't mean so much, but it does.

At this particular moment in time, I am nothing but excited and optimistic about the future as it specifically relates to food, eating, diet, etc. I feel really, really good.

Hallefreakinglujah! (P2, D31)

I know Kristoise keeps telling me not to pay attention on a daily basis because of my scale's +/-2 lb margin of error, but I am still bummed when I feel like there's a long plateau and REALLY FUCKING EXCITED when I feel like the scale is moving again!! Sorry, K, although I have the natural skepticism of a scientist in some ways, I just do not have a scientific brain.

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss
Day 29	11/29/2010	203.2	-0.4	-26.4
Day 30	11/30/2010	203.2	0.0	-26.4
Day 31	12/1/2010	201.4	-1.8	-28.2

Something strange happened to me today. I was up early, alone (that in itself is strange, but not what I'm talking about), weighed myself naked as usual, and then sat on the edge of my bed to think about whether to wake the kids up or let them sleep (it was a loooong night). I caught a glimpse of my naked body in the mirror, and I thought I looked beautiful. The curve of my back, the way my thigh rested on our duvet . . . I was beautiful. I instantly started in with the "but your breasts are too saggy and you still have back fat and blah blah blah" and I silenced myself and made myself shut the fuck up and just spend 30 seconds experiencing my body as beautiful.

I could get used to this.

Today is my son's third birthday. Three years ago today, December 1st at 1 a.m., he was born at home into a huge bathtub of warm water, and he floated out into the water, still connected to the body that nourished him by the umbilical cord. The labor was intense and painful (as most are) but healing. My body did that. My body grew that baby up from a tiny grain of sand into a fully-baked baby. My body, through blood, sweat, and agony, pushed that baby out and nourished him with milk that I made. This is not to say that women who have not birthed children naturally or at all cannot have strong, powerful, amazing bodies, but this is a big source of pride for me in my own body, which can use all the kudos it can get.

I woke up with a start this morning right around his birth time, and I remembered the agony of crowning and the noise I made to help my body endure it. I remembered the midwife saying that the primal scream was putting the world (or God, the angels, the spirits, the ancestors, whatever you believe in) on notice: "Another life is here. Pay attention."

For all the verbal/mental abuse I give this poor body of mine, it has done some amazing things at a range of weights. The two babies for starters. It has hiked the Eagle Creek trail in the Columbia River Gorge. It has trekked all over Europe. It has trained for a triathlon. It has done a few 5(k)s. It has kept me more or less healthy for almost 35 years. And all I do is abuse it with derision, insults, shitty food, and too much sugar.

So maybe I owe it a little better on all fronts. I owe it more than 30 seconds a year of thinking it is beautiful, and I owe it more than 40 days a year of healthy, organic, nutritious foods. Long term, I owe it more than 500 calories a day, but that's another issue!

I've recently learned about an artist named Susan Singer, who paints female nudes of all ages and shapes. Spend some time on her website and blog. She makes fat, wrinkly, old, stretch-marky, gaunt bodies all look beautiful. I would never have the ovaries to actually pose for her if my face were going to show. Or, rather, not never, but not any time soon. But I like the idea of celebrating women's naked bodies.

Another site I like is The Shape of a Mother, which shows bodies in various stages of pregnancy and postpartum. I would not say that the written content is as uplifting, because it seems to be mostly people berating their own bodies. But the photos are so normalizing. I can look at someone else my size and see their beauty even when I can't see my own. A similar website is the Normal Breast Gallery, with hundreds of photos of real women's nonsexualized breasts.

So that's what I'm thinking about today: beauty. I wish it were easier to embrace and accept on a gaining day than on a big loss day, but it is what it is.

Phase 2, Day 10

Short post today, and just want to make two major points.

1) I am losing again, so yesterday's setback wasn't really a big deal, just as I thought.

2) I finally feel AWESOME. Not too hungry, really alert and energetic, really upbeat and hopeful. I have read so many people who say the diet makes them feel this way, and I think I got a glimpse of this awesome feeling yesterday, but today it is in full effect. I feel fucking great! It took 9 days to feel great, but I finally do!

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss
Day 1	11/1/2010	229.6	n/a	n/a
Day 2	11/2/2010	225.6	-4	-4
Day 3	11/3/2010	221.6	-4	-8
Day 4	11/4/2010	218.6	-3	-11
Day 5	11/5/2010	218.6	0	-11
Day 6	11/6/2010	216.4	-2.2	-13.2
Day 7	11/7/2010	215.8	-0.6	-13.8
Day 8	11/8/2010	214.8	-1	-14.8
Day 9	11/9/2010	215.4	0.6	-14.2
Day 10	11/10/2010	213.8	-1.6	-15.8

Good luck to everyone else this week! Don't worry, I'll still keep posting and rambling even when I have less to complain about.

P.S. For lunch today, I had one egg+3 egg whites scrambled instead of my usual meat. I believe this is "allowed." But if I have a gain tomorrow, that could be why.

Roller Coasters (P2, D9)

I knew there would be ups and downs on this diet, and I've had my first up. I gained 0.6 today, but there's no real reason for it, so I'm hoping it's a fluke. I didn't do or eat anything weird yesterday. I'm not having my period (I refuse on principal to call it Aunt Flo just like I refuse to call R my "hubby.") I didn't use any funny creams. I did miss one dose of the drops the day before yesterday when my kid was in the ER, but I don't really think that's it. I think it's probably either normal water fluctuations or the aforementioned scale, which is not as precise as it could be.

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss
Day 1	11/1/2010	229.6	n/a	n/a
Day 2	11/2/2010	225.6	-4	-4
Day 3	11/3/2010	221.6	-4	-8
Day 4	11/4/2010	218.6	-3	-11
Day 5	11/5/2010	218.6	0	-11
Day 6	11/6/2010	216.4	-2.2	-13.2
Day 7	11/7/2010	215.8	-0.6	-13.8
Day 8	11/8/2010	214.8	-1	-14.8
Day 9	11/9/2010	215.8	0.6	-13.8

Speaking of scales, my friend T sent me her fancy, schmancy body fat monitor. She got fed up with it because she didn't think it was accurate, but it does measure body fat and muscle, and I was curious to see if it was at least directionally accurate. One of my big fears on this diet is that the weight will be lost from muscle instead of fat, so I'm hoping this scale can help me track that a little. So far, my muscle has stayed the same while my body fat continues to decrease slowly.

Another kind of rollercoaster: emotional. I would say that 75% of the day, I am feeling good about this diet and confident that I can make it work. But I also feel a little schizo about it and have a constant narrative running in my head. Y'all, I am in my head SO MUCH. It is exhausting. This is not the diet, it is me. The few of you reading this that actually know me know that I am like this about everything, not just this diet.

A typical day:

6:30 a.m. Hmmm, I'm not as hungry today. That's awesome. This is going to be a good day.

6:40: Another pound lost! I am awesome! I am the awesomest person who ever did this diet. I bet I can lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks.

7:00: There is NO WAY I can lose 20 pounds in two weeks. This weight loss will slow down soon, or I'll stop losing all together because my metabolism is fried. I'll be lucky to lose 20 pounds in the whole 40 days.

7:15: Look at me! I'm making lunches for the kids, watching them eat their breakfast, and I'm feeling strong. No desire to dip into the animal crackers or peanuts. No temptation to sneak a bite of oatmeal with brown sugar or mushroom and cheese omelet. I am a rock. I am the strongest person ever! I am changing my eating behaviors from the ground up! I will never eat emotionally again!!

9:00: I think my jeans are looser! Oh, holy day, my body is going to be TRANSFORMED! I am going to look so hot and amazing! I wonder how many inches I've already lost!? I bet it's A LOT of inches!

9:01: The only thing is that I'm probably going to get all this loose, sagging skin if I lose this much weight so quickly. I can't even imagine what my boobs are going to look like after nursing two babies and then a rapid weight loss. Oy. Maybe it's better to be fat and have tight skin than to be skinny and saggy everywhere.

9:02: No, it is better NOT to be fat, regardless of sagging skin.  I will still feel better and healthier, and I'll be able to hit the gym hard and tone up to tighten up. It will all be ok.

9:03: What if I look all shrunken and deflated? What if I look awesome? What if I look terrible? What if I can't lose all the weight I want to lose? What if I can lose even more than I want to lose? What if I lose it all really fast, what if I lose it slow? ARGGGHHHH!

10:00: I feel good. I feel mentally sharp. I am able to stay on task. I don't feel overly grumpy or impatient or tired. I think this diet is just what I need. It may actually be improving my mental acuity, maybe because I'm not eating so much brain-fogging sugar and chemicals.

12:15 p.m.: You know, this plain chicken with plain spinach actually tastes really good to me. I think this diet is resetting my taste buds. I am noticing flavor so much more! This is awesome. I could go my whole life without ever eating another disgusting, fatty, salty cheeseburger.

12:18: I just want a cheeseburger. Mmmmm, a cheeseburger.

2:00: Look at me doing yoga! Not only am I dieting, but I am trying to keep my muscles strong! I am awesome! I could write the book on this diet, that's how awesome I am.

2:10: I wonder if I'd be able to hold that pose if I were getting more than 500 calories a day. Probably so, considering I am basically STARVING myself. I wonder how much people in refugee camps get to eat in a day? I wonder if it is more than 500 calories. I should Google it.

3:00: You know, I'm really not that hungry. I think I could eat like this basically forever.

4:00: I AM STARVING! I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS!

5:00: Time to take the drops. These drops are not doing anything. It is working only because of the placebo effect. There is no way that something diluted 60x could make any difference in my metabolism. This could be plain spring water and I would be none the wiser. I can't believe I'm falling for this bullshit diet.

5:30: But obviously the drops are working, because I'm losing more fat than muscle. Obviously this diet is the greatest thing since the invention of the wheel, and everyone should know about it! I want to shout it from the rooftops: I AM ON THE HCG DIET!

6:00: I will never tell anyone I am doing this. They will laugh at me for falling for something that is about as scientifically rigorous as the spam for "enlarge your penis" homeopathic remedies we all spam emails that we all get in our inboxes. I will never tell anyone what I'm doing.

6:30: I think my face is thinner. And it's evening, and I still have energy. This dinner is so healthy! Organic, grass-fed beef, organic vegetables, organic fruit. My body is doing a long-overdue detox from all the shit I've been feeding it for years. This is the best diet ever. I will never say another bad word about it. I FEEL AWESOME!

7:30: I definitely cannot do this for 40 days. Maybe I'll just stop after 25 days.

7:32: Why would I ever stop? Maybe I'll do it for 60 days and just lose all my weight! Maybe I'll do it for 100 days! Maybe I'll do it for a year! There is no down side to this diet other than a little hunger, which has been totally manageable so far. I AM TRIUMPHANT AND UNSTOPPABLE!

8:30: I am hungry. Maybe I should just go to bed.

10:00 p.m.: I can't wait to wake up tomorrow and see how much more I've lost. I love this diet. This is the best thing that ever happened to me.

And.....scene.

Phase 2, Day 2 & 3 (P2D2/3)

Umm, okay this is really working. As of the morning on Day 3, I'm down 7 pounds total.

Date	Weight	Change Since Last Weigh In	Total Weight Loss
10/30/2010	228.2	n/a	n/a
10/31/2010	228.6	0.4	0.4
11/1/2010	229.6	1	1.4
11/2/2010	225.6	-4	-2.6
11/3/2010	221.6	-4	-7

I'm definitely still really hungry today (day 3), but I'm not in agony. I don't think I can go the whole 42 days feeling this hungry, but I can go a few more days, especially know it's supposed to get better AND because I'm seeing such amazing payoff.

Last night was kind of miserable. I had a long day and went to bed very headachy and hungry, grateful that at least I could just crash and sleep through the worst part of it. But my two-year old woke up at midnight screaming with leg pain (I think just normal growing pains; his sister had them too) and had the whole family awake for an hour. It was kind of terrible. And we're waiting for our furnace to be fixed, so it was a cold, miserable night.

I'm struggling with the need to wait a half hour to eat or drink before and after taking all the drops. I couldn't manage the timing yesterday and ended up taking my drops after dinner, which I think is not ideal. Here's what I don't get: I'm told you need to wait a half hour before and after taking the drops so you don't dilute them. But what they ARE is super-diluted HCG. So why does it matter if they are further diluted? Anyone know? But I am basically doing the drops "right:" 15 drops at a time, 3x a day, hold them under the tongue for 1-2 minutes each, nothing to eat or drink within 30 minutes on either side.

Honestly, I'm not convinced the drops are doing much. Anyone would lose weight on 500 calories a day, whether or not they are taking HCG. The HCG is supposed to keep you from being hungry, but I am definitely hungry. Maybe it's because I didn't gain enough in the load days (I gained 1.4 over the two load days; I hear some people gain 3, 4 or even 5 pounds and they feel less hungry in the early days). Maybe it's because I'm not taking enough drops. Or maybe it's because when you dilute something so much it can't even be measured, it is only working on a psychosomatic basis. If I am skeptical, it wouldn't work as well for me.

From what I understand, your body adjusts to a lower calorie diet after a week or so, with or without HCG. So just a few more days to go. I am looking forward to the days I've heard about, when you can barely force down your vegetable or fruit because you are just so stuffed, even on 500 calories. I'll let you know when it happens!

But you know what? I'm okay for now. It would take me a month or more lose 7 pounds on Weight Watchers. And I've lost it in two days. So I'm feeling strong and motivated. And not too grumpy or weak; just kind of resigned to feeling less that fantastic for a few days in order to achieve the goal.

The Pros

In no particular order of importance:

1) I feel desperate and terrified of never getting this under control. I don't want to be 60 years old and watching every bite that goes in my mouth and every pound that shows up on the scale. I am sad, and tired, and desperate.

2) I feel like I have tried everything. I have so conscientiously done Weight Watchers, South Beach, Jillian Michaels, Intuitive Eating. I have tried exercising like a maniac. I’ve tried moderate exercise. I have tried cutting calories in a responsible way. I have tried cutting calories and exercising at the same time. Hell, I trained for a triathlon. I did Jillian Michaels’ online exercise program five days a week for 70 minutes a day for six months. I lost 10 pounds. Do you know how insanely hard that exercise program is? I felt great, I felt strong, and I felt accomplished. I even felt a tiny bit smaller. But it would take me more than three years to lose the weight at that rate.

3) I keep getting injured, which slows down the fitness part of losing weight. Two years ago, when I was training for my first 5k, I started to have terrible shin and heel pain. I went to see a sports medicine doctor who said I had stress fractures in my shins. You know, from RWF (running while fat). I was so heavy that the weight of my own body was causing tiny, tiny fractures in my shins. That was a proud moment. I had a bone spur on one heel and plantar fasciitis on both feet, also weight related. Those injuries healed, I dropped 15 pounds and started training for a sprint triathlon (300 meter swim, 12 mile bike, 5k run). Three days before the race, I tore two ligaments in my ankle while riding my bike. I am confident that my weight made the injury more severe and made recovery take longer. As I’ve started training again, 4 months after the injury, I know that my weight makes me more susceptible to a repeat injury. My ankles are carrying around 60 pounds more than they should have to.

4) I’m so tired of feeling ashamed. I’m so tired of feeling repulsed when I look at my naked body in the mirror and wondering if my husband feels the same repulsion.

5) I feel like this diet could actually give me the brain space to think about the binge eating in a way that no other diet ever has. When I was on Weight Watchers, I thought about food all.the.time. When I was on Jillian Michaels 1400 calorie diet, I wondered if I should trade my 7 almonds for an extra ¼ cup of cottage cheese. Eating five to six times a day is hard. That’s five or six times a day you have to think about what you can and can’t have. On this diet, you eat so little food and you have so few choices that I have a sneaking suspicion that it might actually be easier than eating more calories with more choices.

6) Seeing quick results might just provide me with the inspiration to keep it off. It’s hard to maintain enough strength and willpower to lose 60 pounds when you’re losing at a rate of 10-15 pounds per year. There are a thousand choices a week that can set you back or keep you moving forward, but you get no instant gratification from those choices, while you do get instant gratification from just eating the damn candy bar. If I can lose 20-30 pounds on the first round of this diet, I will look and feel so much better. That could take me from a size 18 to a size 14. Knowing I’ve had success, knowing how good I feel may just be enough to help me make healthy choices without having to wait weeks/months/years for the payoff.

7) What if there is something to this HCG thing? I must admit, while the scientific evidence isn’t convincing (it doesn’t actually exist, for that matter), the anecdotal evidence is very compelling. And I’m an English major for heaven’s sake, not a scientist. Homeopathic teething tablets worked on my kids when they were babies, and that couldn’t have been psychosomatic because they didn’t know they were supposed to work. I don’t really believe in reiki but my first and only formal reiki session was so healing and transformative, it made me a believer. Some shit works even if you can’t explain why it does.

8) I have three friends who swear by this diet. And no, if they jumped off a bridge, I wouldn’t also jump off a bridge. But these are people who really get what I’m going through in a way that people who haven’t had lifelong weight struggles just cannot understand. It is hard to resist when they talk about how wonderful and easy it is. These are not people in infomercials trying to sell me something. These are my friends who have done it themselves.

9) What do I have to lose? I had my scientist friend check it out, and look, it’s not unsafe. The homeopathic HCG has basically no HCG in it. It’s possible I am blowing $60 on a placebo, but I’m not going to get cancer or something. The low-calorie diet is not going to starve me or give me a heart attack. There are a couple of worst-case scenarios as I see them, and neither of them is dangerous or devastating: either a) I can’t hack the 500 calories, I am miserable and starving, and I quit OR b) I succeed in losing a bunch of weight but gain it all back.

10) It might just work.

It feels terrifying even to type that. What if it just works?

Hope

I met with the friend today who is going to help me with this HCG stuff. She explained everything to me. She herself has lost 70 pounds on two rounds of HCG and is in her second maintenance phase. So she's not yet a case study for keeping it off for years and years, but she sure is for the weight loss. She says she's not hungry and she feels stronger and healthier than ever.

Three months ago, before I got injured, I was writing off this HCG diet that she was doing as definitely not for me. My metabolism was in great shape and I didn't want to risk it. But I haven't been able to get our conversations out of my mind. I have just waffled and waffled, as this blog is showing.

R doesn't like it, but he said he'll support me. This is the first time I've done something BIG that he really didn't want me to do. Not that I am normally a shrinking violet when it comes to my marriage; far from it. But I care a lot about what he thinks, and I trust him and love him. He doesn't often come down strongly against something I want to do, so when he does, I naturally take it seriously. But my friend H reminded me I needed to drown out the voices saying "do it!" and the voices saying "don't do it!" and listen to my OWN voice. My own voice says I have nothing to lose. It is freeing and exhilerating to listen to my own voice now and then. And I asked R if he would tell me if he thought this as as crazy and dangerous as gastric bypass surgery or a cocaine addiction to lose weight. He said he did not think it was THAT crazy.

I walked around today imagining that by this Thanksgiving, I could be 25 pounds lighter. To some of you, that may seem like a small thing, but to me . . . I can't even put into words what it would mean to have that hope again. Even if I don't keep it off, even if this diet doesn't work long term, having hope again feels amazing. and I had a long talk last night, and he is still not crazy about the homeopathic part. He just thinks its too weird and unregulated. He says fine if I want to do a 500 calorie plan for awhile and lose a bunch of weight, but why not do it without the drops? But I feel like they are harmless, and if it helps psychosomatically, why not? I feel like if I'm going to to do it, do it. Follow the plan the way the people who have had success have done it.