Blah Blah Blah (P2, D30)

I waited awhile to post today, because I needed to get my head in order. All my rational, calm sanity went out the window this morning when I weighed in at the exact same this morning, despite all my rational, calm sanity yesterday that was SUPPOSED to result in more weight loss, dammit. I can only be expected to be rational, calm and sane IF I AM GETTING WHAT I WANT.

I'm kidding. Sort of.

Still, I pulled myself out of it, and am still hopeful for tomorrow.

But things have definitely really slowed down for me. Is it my crazy pills? Wellbutrin should be okay, but Lexapro could be causing problems. That would be unfortunate. I just can't think about this any more. All I can do is work the plan and trust it will all work out in the finish.

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss
Day 1	11/1/2010	229.6	n/a	n/a
Day 2	11/2/2010	225.6	-4.0	-4
Day 3	11/3/2010	221.6	-4.0	-8
Day 4	11/4/2010	218.6	-3.0	-11
Day 5	11/5/2010	218.6	0.0	-11
Day 6	11/6/2010	216.4	-2.2	-13.2
Day 7	11/7/2010	215.8	-0.6	-13.8
Week 1 summary: down 13.8 #
Day 8	11/8/2010	214.8	-1.0	-14.8
Day 9	11/9/2010	215.4	0.6	-14.2
Day 10	11/10/2010	213.8	-1.6	-15.8
Day 11	11/11/2010	213.6	-0.2	-16
Day 12	11/12/2010	215	1.4	14.6
Day 13	11/13/2010	213	-2.0	-16.6
Day 14	11/14/2010	212.2	-0.8	-17.4
Week 2 summary: down 3.6 # this week; 17.4 # total
Day 15	11/15/2010	212.4	0.2	-17.2
Day 16	11/16/2010	210	-2.4	-19.6
Day 17	11/17/2010	210.2	0.2	19.4
Day 18	11/18/2010	209.4	-0.8	20.2
Day 19	11/19/2010	208.6	-0.8	21
Day 20	11/20/2010	208	-0.8	21.8
Day 21	11/21/2010	207.6	-0.4	-22
Week 3 summary: down 4.8# this week; 22 total
Day 22	11/22/2010	206.6	-1.0	-23
Day 23	11/23/2010	207	0.4	-22.6
Day 24	11/24/2010	206.6	-0.4	-23
Day 25	11/25/2010	205	-1.6	-24.6
Day 26	11/26/2010	204.6	-0.4	-25
Day 27	11/27/2010	204.6	0.0	-25
Day 28	11/28/2010	203.6	-1.0	-26
Week 4 summary: down 3# this week; 25 total
Day 29	11/29/2010	203.2	-0.4	-26.4
Day 30	11/30/2010	203.2	0.0	-26.4

Starting Week Five (P2, D29)

Very small loss this morning (-0.4) but I woke up really excited and hopeful about starting a new week. I have two weeks left, and I realize I'm getting obsessive, anxious, and really focused on numbers and what maintenance will bring. I keep looking at the last 10 days or so as a mini-plateau, but two Mondays ago I was 212.4 and two weeks later, I am 203. That's actually really awesome, and I don't know why I need to undermine my success. It's my perfectionist-yet-underachiever thing at work, I think.

So today, I'm resolving just to work the plan the best I can, mix it up a bit where it makes sense, and just let go of the obsessive focus I've had the last week, which did not do me a bit of good.

I need to bring calm focus to all areas of my life including my job, my marriage, my weight loss protocol, my relationship with my children, and the fucking holidays. I think "calm focus" can be best summed up by the Serenity Prayer, which has always spoken to me (even when I was a child), even though I have not, until very recently, identified as an addict. I am just a puppet master who likes to be the boss of everything.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

So I woke up this morning with a spring in my step. I had grapefruit for breakfast instead of waiting until lunch to eat anything. Did a work conference call, then felt scattered, so instead of fucking around on Facebook, I took a very brisk 45 minute walk. I did a lot of thinking on that walk that I think was very helpful to me. I don't spend very much time alone with my thoughts (I prefer to be busy and distracted), and whenever I do it, I can usually uncover something valuable. Plus, I got to listen to really good music.

I did that on Saturday, too. R and I got in a fight and I took a walk (instead of eating, crying, fuming, shopping, or any of the other coping techniques I might usually employ). Wow, this looks remarkably like sanity!

When I returned from my walk this morning, I straightened my office (sometimes I think I need an organized environment in order to have an organized head). Then I began work in earnest around 11 a.m. I worked two solid hours before losing my focus again. So here I am.

Anyway, the point is that I am renewing my commitment to this diet for the last two weeks. It never really waned, and I think I've been doing everything right, but I'm going to try some new tactics this week and see what happens:

• mix it up with eating times. I have gotten in the habit of having only coffee for breakfast and not eating food until lunch. I'm going to play around with eating a fruit for breakfast or maybe even trying a double protein lunch and no dinner.
• I'm going back to eating only chicken and grass-fed beef. I've been adding some shrimp, tuna, white fish and other meats for variety, but my weight loss has also slowed down. Who knows if that is why.
• exercise every day, even if only briefly. I had so much time off last week with the kids and holiday schedules that I missed a lot of days.
• water: I've been getting lazy about water since it's gotten really cold here. I've definitely been getting 64 oz, but some days not more than that, and I am recommitting to drink at least 100 oz a day (48 oz so far today at 2:00 EST)
• stop stressing about the numbers on the scale. They are what they are, and what I lose in 40 days is what I lose in 40 days.
• stop stressing about maintenance, which isn't happening for 2 more weeks anyway.

Doing this diet has really given me a number of gifts, which I need to do a separate blog post about so that I can keep my focus on the positive. All these changes are good and necessary.

Onward, ho!

Slow Week (P2, D28)

So I had a pretty slow week, though I am still very pleased with my overall progress.

Day 22	11/22/2010	206.6	-1.0	-23
Day 23	11/23/2010	207	0.4	-22.6
Day 24	11/24/2010	206.6	-0.4	-23
Day 25	11/25/2010	205	-1.6	-24.6
Day 26	11/26/2010	204.6	-0.4	-25
Day 27	11/27/2010	204.6	0.0	-25
Day 28	11/28/2010	203.6	-1.0	-26
Week 4 summary: down 3# this week; 25 total

It could be my period, it could be that I exercised less this week than I have been, it could be that I ate turkey, it could be that I've been drinking less water since it's gotten really cold here. Or it could be my metabolism slowing down. Or it could be an off week. Or it could be all those things. It'll be interesting to see what happens next week, but I hope it picks up some.

I am starting to get really terrified of maintenance. This diet is working for me because it's so structured that I have no room to fuck it up, like I fuck up every other diet in the world.

My son's third birthday party was tonight (his family party; he actually turns three on Wednesday and has a preschool party next weekend) and he'd requested breakfast for dinner--pancakes with syrup, shirred eggs, bacon, hash browns, and ice cream birthday cake from Baskin Robbins for dessert. This meal was harder for me to resist than Thanksgiving was. But if I know I cannot have even one lick of ice cream, it's easier to say no. What happens when the rules are gone?

I've gotten into the show Intervention lately, which is available for streaming on Netflix. It's super depressing. But it always shocks me how much I relate to drug addicts, since I've never been addicted to any substance other than nicotine. I have hidden my eating habits, I have buried candy wrappers in the trash can so R wouldn't know I was binging, I have stolen and snuck food, I have eaten huge quantities of food in secret, I have bought junk at 7-11 and smuggled it in the house in my purse.

I think I have a food addiction or even an eating disorder. That feels hard to say, and overly dramatic. But no one will ever intervene on my ass because I don't hurt other people to feed my habits in the same way that coke heads and tweakers do. My addiction/disorder hurts only me.

I'm hoping that all this rapid weight loss will inspire me to be rational about food when I'm done, born of the desire not to fuck it up, gain it all back, and prove everyone who thinks this diet is crazy right. And hopefully all this navel gazing has been working on my mind while the diet has been working on my body.

But what I can't figure out is whether, like an addict, I should just stay away from danger foods all together or whether I should try to eat them in moderation once I'm done with maintenance. For example, I know at Christmas, there will be our family's world-famous chocolate chip cookies. I can put away a LOT of these cookies, and they are one of my favorite things. So do I have one or two and then just insist to myself that I stop (and savor every bite) or do I recognize that I have a fucked up reaction to sugar and just totally stay away from them all together? Everyone says that deprivation just leads to binging and that you should allow yourself to have small amounts of food that you really love or you're sure to fail. But no one says that to a cocaine addict or to someone quitting smoking or gambling or just about any other addiction in the world. No one says, "honey, just try doing one line a day!" or "of COURSE you can have a few glasses of wine at your daughter's wedding."

Sugar is my problem. I'm don't NEED to binge on french fries or steak or potato chips or cheese. I certainly can and have, but I don't feel like it would be hard to set reasonable limits on those foods. Tonight at dinner, I could have had reasonable portions of the shirred eggs, bacon, and hash browns. I could even pass on the bacon and hash browns all together and never miss them. But the pancakes with syrup and the ice cream cake? I can eat those until I'm overly full and stuffed.

If I never ate sugar again, I have no doubt I could keep this weight off. But some of my favorite foods are sweet, and it sounds horrible to never have them again. Life without Breyer's mint chocolate chip ice cream is not a life worth living--I'm only 20% kidding. This, by the way, is exactly what all the meth-head tweakers and heroin addicts and alcoholics say on Intervention.

Now with drinking? Whatever. I could totally take it or leave it. If there was a worldwide alcohol shortage and I could never drink again, I would be fine. I can totally pass on alcohol easily when I'm watching calories and never miss it. R is the opposite. We sometimes get in patterns where we retreat to our corners in the evenings, him with beer or wine and me with ice cream or candy, each with our drug of choice. He doesn't drink every day or even every week, but when it's in the house, he has a hard time leaving it alone until its gone, which is the same way I am with sweets. So it's interesting. I know why people have a hard time understanding this--because they don't get it just like I don't get alcohol addiction.

I wonder if I should try and find a therapist around here who is familiar with eating disorders. I've been in therapy a couple of times, and none of the therapists were ever able to help me in the slightest with what I now consider an eating disorder. There's got to be someone out there with experience in this area. I sort of dread the time and expense and drone of getting to know another therapist, but if I really do have an eating disorder, a 40 day partial fast isn't going to fix it, you know?

I am constantly torn between just wanting to be like a normal person about food (eat when you're hungry, eat reasonable amounts of healthy foods, have occasional treat foods and relish them) and thinking I am NOT a normal person about food and never will be. Sometimes I think I will struggle with this my whole life, and all I can do is be better today than I was last year. After all, on my WORST binging day now, it is nowhere close to college. My worst days now are not even as bad as 1998/1999, my first year out of college, living with R for the first time, eating ice cream for breakfast and cookies for lunch. So maybe all I can do is hope that a year from now, I will still have bad eating days, but they will be fewer and father between, and they won't be as bad as they were the last few months.

There are many advantages to quick weight loss, which I would like to enumerate in a later post. But one of the disadvantages is that this doesn't seem real. I don't see a thinner me when I look in the mirror. I can't get rid of my old fat clothes yet, because I think I'll need them again soon. I haven't even really started "dressing thin" yet because I sort of can't wrap my mind around it.  It seems like a dream or some kind of temporary state that will come to an end soon one way or another. I mean, I truly can't believe it is working this well and is this easy--there has to be some catch.

I was looking back at my old Weight Watchers booklets--I must have 10 or 12 spanning about nine years. The first time I ever went to Weight Watchers in 1999, I started at 231. It took me 8 months to get from 231 to 203, which is where I am now, having started at 228. And I got here in less than one calendar month. It's truly incredible, to the point of seeming impossible. And it really hasn't been hard.

Well, that's enough for tonight. I'm going to go dream about Baskin Robbins cake...

25 Pounds! (P2, D27)

Who would have thought I'd hit such a nice milestone the day after Thanksgiving! Still, things have really slowed down for me--only two pounds down this week so far.


Week 4:

Day 22	11/22/2010	206.6	-1.0	-23
Day 23	11/23/2010	207	0.4	-22.6
Day 24	11/24/2010	206.6	-0.4	-23
Day 25	11/25/2010	205	-1.6	-24.6
Day 26	11/26/2010	204.6	-0.4	-25
Day 27	11/27/2010	204.6	0.0	-25

I had planned to eat turkey on Thanksgiving; Shannon reminded me it was not protocol and could set me back three days, so I said, fine, I won't eat turkey even though that makes no sense to me at all that you can have chicken and not turkey.

R was supposed to bring my chicken breast and cucumber to my dad's house, where we were having Thanksgiving dinner. But he forgot it, and so after my grudging decision NOT to eat turkey, I ate turkey anyway because there was nothing else there for me to eat. I had about 100g of turkey, the same portion I would have had of chicken.

I had a normal dinner (100g ground beef and 2c spinach for dinner) and the next morning woke up to a small loss (-0.4). But today I was the same. Not sure if the slow weight loss this week is because I've had my period all week or because of the turkey (still makes no sense to me that you can have chicken and not turkey).

Thanksgiving was honestly not THAT hard. The food all looked really delicious, and I wished I was eating it, but the really bad cravings (especially for green bean casserole, corn bread stuffing with pecans, and our family's world famous chocolate chip cookies) were fleeting. Mostly I am just getting bored of the 10 or 15 foods I am allowed to eat now, but it hasn't been agonizing to watch other people eating delicious food.

I am feeling really eager to go onto maintenance, but also nervous. I sort of wish I was done with Phase 2, but I also still feel like I have some learning to do about when and why I eat. I'm going to try and make the most of the next two weeks. I sort of feel like the extreme structure and limitations are what makes me successful. When I have more options, things will be harder.

I'm 204.6 now, and I have 14 days of weight loss left. My easy goal is to lose 10 more pounds in the next 14 days, but dream goal is to lose 15 pounds in the next 14 days, which would put me under 190.

I haven't decided yet, but I might choose to lose the last 20 pounds "the old fashioned way" instead of doing another HCG round after maintenance. But maybe it would be just as easy to make my second round a mini round--maybe only for 20 or 25 days--to lose the last 15-25 lbs or however much I have left.

On Being a Woman (P2, D24)

That's a poetic title for a post, but really I just mean I got my period, and I'm stalled. Looking on the bright side, at least it means I'm not pregnant!

Day 22	11/22/2010	206.6	-1.0	-23
Day 23	11/23/2010	207	0.4	-22.6
Day 24	11/24/2010	206.6	-0.4	-23

I guess I will catch up at the end of the week?

Thanksgiving is at my Dad's house. It will be stressful and not fun and not delicious, but it's only one Thanksgiving in a lifetime of Thanksgivings. Actually, both times before when I've lost a significant amount of weight, I've done it during the holidays. I think it signifies extra commitment to me or something.

I am having a really hard time giving away the clothes I'm shrinking out of. I don't mind giving away the biggest ones, the ones I wear at 235. But I can't get my mind around giving away the ones I wear at 215 because I'm just not yet convinced I'll never need them again. I know it's an important psychological step and I need to do it.

Dreaming About Phase 3 (P2, D22)

I have been really hungry the last couple of days. I hope that doesn't mean I need to stop the HCG drops earlier than 40 days, because I am eager to go the whole 40 days. Today I had some dizziness, lightheadedness, and total mental fuzziness for the first time since I've started the low-calorie part. I was starting to really panic, and then when I started to get these familiar little brain zaps (mild but disturbing), I realized I haven't taken my crazy pills (Wellbutrin and Lexapro) in a week! I went to the doctor last Monday to get a refill and never picked it up!

I went a week once before without my meds. Last summer, we went to Canada and I left them at home for a week. Contrary to popular belief, you cannot get any meds you want in Canada easily or cheaply. So I went a whole week without meds, and by the end, I was a wreck. I was weepy, irritable, anxious, and having major brain zaps (withdrawal symptoms). Let me tell you how thrilled I am that I'm on medication that causes brain zaps when you go off of it. Awesome.

Anyway, I've been feeling pretty good emotionally on this diet (my last week funk was different than the way I experience depression, though in retrospect, probably related), which is I guess why I was able to forget my meds for a week. That has been remedied.

Lost a pound today. Steady decline continues. The size 16 jeans I could barely fit into when I started this at 229 fit perfectly last week, and this morning, my husband R said, "those jeans are falling off of you, babe." I don't know about THAT, but I think another 10 pounds will definitely be another size.

Day	Date	Weight	Daily Change	Total Loss
Day 1	11/1/2010	229.6	n/a	n/a
Day 2	11/2/2010	225.6	-4.0	-4
Day 3	11/3/2010	221.6	-4.0	-8
Day 4	11/4/2010	218.6	-3.0	-11
Day 5	11/5/2010	218.6	0.0	-11
Day 6	11/6/2010	216.4	-2.2	-13.2
Day 7	11/7/2010	215.8	-0.6	-13.8
Week 1 summary: down 13.8 #
Day 8	11/8/2010	214.8	-1.0	-14.8
Day 9	11/9/2010	215.4	0.6	-14.2
Day 10	11/10/2010	213.8	-1.6	-15.8
Day 11	11/11/2010	213.6	-0.2	-16
Day 12	11/12/2010	215	1.4	14.6
Day 13	11/13/2010	213	-2.0	-16.6
Day 14	11/14/2010	212.2	-0.8	-17.4
Week 2 summary: down 3.6 # this week; 17.4 # total
Day 15	11/15/2010	212.4	0.2	-17.2
Day 16	11/16/2010	210	-2.4	-19.6
Day 17	11/17/2010	210.2	0.2	19.4
Day 18	11/18/2010	209.4	0.8	20.2
Day 19	11/19/2010	208.6	0.8	21
Day 20	11/20/2010	208	0.8	21.8
Day 21	11/21/2010	207.6	-0.4	-22
Week 3 summary: down 4.8# this week; 22 total
Day 22	11/22/2010	206.6	-1.0	-23

Anyway, back to being hungry. I haven't been hungry at all for the last 2 weeks, but suddenly I am. And so I've been fantasizing about maintenance, when I can add in a few more food items. Sounds like the first three weeks of maintenance are pretty strict, a lot like the VLCD (very low-calorie diet) part, but more and with oils. My selection of proteins, fruits and vegetables will be wider, but still no starches or grains or sugar. Things like nuts and cheese are "caution" items, and if I'm reading it right, you get more leeway with the caution items if you are totally shunning starches and sugars.

Then the second three weeks of maintenance, if you're doing okay, you get to add in even more foods. The idea is to eat as many calories as you can without gaining weight so that you create a new set point for your body that has a high calorie requirement. If I set at this weight now, it will mean that if I ever eat more than 500 calories, I'll gain. So at the end of 40 days, you do 6 weeks of maintenance and try to reset your weight while eating 1500-2000 calories. I will admit I am not totally clear on why I won't gain 5 pounds the first day of maintenance, but we'll see.

So I've been dreaming of delicious, nutritious food; not candy bars and donuts, but yummy, healthy food. It is keeping me sane to think about what I will eat on my first day of maintenance, in my fourth week of maintenance, and on my next "gorge" days IF I decide to do a second round of this.

This is my first day of maintenance meal:

Breakfast: coffee with whole milk, scrambled eggs (in olive oil) with cheese and tomatoes, blueberries
Lunch: Chef's salad with ham, turkey, chicken, salami, tiny bit of shredded cheese, all kinds of mixed vegetables, edamame, small amount of sunflower seeds, and a small amount of no-sugar ranch dressing
Snack: apple with peanut butter
Dinner: stir fried chicken and soy sauce with mushrooms, broccoli, and snow peas
Dessert: skim milk and berry smoothie

Y'all, seriously, this seems so ridiculously delicious and decadent that my mouth is watering. If I can keep my body thinking that a day eating like THAT is absurdly indulgent, I will never be fat again. But then, that's the trick, right?

I only have to make it three more weeks! This diet honestly hasn't been that hard. If anything it's boring, but not hard. But man will I be ready for some real food.