| Day 22 | 11/22/2010 | 206.6 | -1.0 | -23 |
| Day 23 | 11/23/2010 | 207 | 0.4 | -22.6 |
| Day 24 | 11/24/2010 | 206.6 | -0.4 | -23 |
| Day 25 | 11/25/2010 | 205 | -1.6 | -24.6 |
| Day 26 | 11/26/2010 | 204.6 | -0.4 | -25 |
| Day 27 | 11/27/2010 | 204.6 | 0.0 | -25 |
| Day 28 | 11/28/2010 | 203.6 | -1.0 | -26 |
| Week 4 summary: down 3# this week; 25 total | ||||
It could be my period, it could be that I exercised less this week than I have been, it could be that I ate turkey, it could be that I've been drinking less water since it's gotten really cold here. Or it could be my metabolism slowing down. Or it could be an off week. Or it could be all those things. It'll be interesting to see what happens next week, but I hope it picks up some.
I am starting to get really terrified of maintenance. This diet is working for me because it's so structured that I have no room to fuck it up, like I fuck up every other diet in the world.
My son's third birthday party was tonight (his family party; he actually turns three on Wednesday and has a preschool party next weekend) and he'd requested breakfast for dinner--pancakes with syrup, shirred eggs, bacon, hash browns, and ice cream birthday cake from Baskin Robbins for dessert. This meal was harder for me to resist than Thanksgiving was. But if I know I cannot have even one lick of ice cream, it's easier to say no. What happens when the rules are gone?
I've gotten into the show Intervention lately, which is available for streaming on Netflix. It's super depressing. But it always shocks me how much I relate to drug addicts, since I've never been addicted to any substance other than nicotine. I have hidden my eating habits, I have buried candy wrappers in the trash can so R wouldn't know I was binging, I have stolen and snuck food, I have eaten huge quantities of food in secret, I have bought junk at 7-11 and smuggled it in the house in my purse.
I think I have a food addiction or even an eating disorder. That feels hard to say, and overly dramatic. But no one will ever intervene on my ass because I don't hurt other people to feed my habits in the same way that coke heads and tweakers do. My addiction/disorder hurts only me.
I'm hoping that all this rapid weight loss will inspire me to be rational about food when I'm done, born of the desire not to fuck it up, gain it all back, and prove everyone who thinks this diet is crazy right. And hopefully all this navel gazing has been working on my mind while the diet has been working on my body.
But what I can't figure out is whether, like an addict, I should just stay away from danger foods all together or whether I should try to eat them in moderation once I'm done with maintenance. For example, I know at Christmas, there will be our family's world-famous chocolate chip cookies. I can put away a LOT of these cookies, and they are one of my favorite things. So do I have one or two and then just insist to myself that I stop (and savor every bite) or do I recognize that I have a fucked up reaction to sugar and just totally stay away from them all together? Everyone says that deprivation just leads to binging and that you should allow yourself to have small amounts of food that you really love or you're sure to fail. But no one says that to a cocaine addict or to someone quitting smoking or gambling or just about any other addiction in the world. No one says, "honey, just try doing one line a day!" or "of COURSE you can have a few glasses of wine at your daughter's wedding."
Sugar is my problem. I'm don't NEED to binge on french fries or steak or potato chips or cheese. I certainly can and have, but I don't feel like it would be hard to set reasonable limits on those foods. Tonight at dinner, I could have had reasonable portions of the shirred eggs, bacon, and hash browns. I could even pass on the bacon and hash browns all together and never miss them. But the pancakes with syrup and the ice cream cake? I can eat those until I'm overly full and stuffed.
If I never ate sugar again, I have no doubt I could keep this weight off. But some of my favorite foods are sweet, and it sounds horrible to never have them again. Life without Breyer's mint chocolate chip ice cream is not a life worth living--I'm only 20% kidding. This, by the way, is exactly what all the meth-head tweakers and heroin addicts and alcoholics say on Intervention.
Now with drinking? Whatever. I could totally take it or leave it. If there was a worldwide alcohol shortage and I could never drink again, I would be fine. I can totally pass on alcohol easily when I'm watching calories and never miss it. R is the opposite. We sometimes get in patterns where we retreat to our corners in the evenings, him with beer or wine and me with ice cream or candy, each with our drug of choice. He doesn't drink every day or even every week, but when it's in the house, he has a hard time leaving it alone until its gone, which is the same way I am with sweets. So it's interesting. I know why people have a hard time understanding this--because they don't get it just like I don't get alcohol addiction.
I wonder if I should try and find a therapist around here who is familiar with eating disorders. I've been in therapy a couple of times, and none of the therapists were ever able to help me in the slightest with what I now consider an eating disorder. There's got to be someone out there with experience in this area. I sort of dread the time and expense and drone of getting to know another therapist, but if I really do have an eating disorder, a 40 day partial fast isn't going to fix it, you know?
I am constantly torn between just wanting to be like a normal person about food (eat when you're hungry, eat reasonable amounts of healthy foods, have occasional treat foods and relish them) and thinking I am NOT a normal person about food and never will be. Sometimes I think I will struggle with this my whole life, and all I can do is be better today than I was last year. After all, on my WORST binging day now, it is nowhere close to college. My worst days now are not even as bad as 1998/1999, my first year out of college, living with R for the first time, eating ice cream for breakfast and cookies for lunch. So maybe all I can do is hope that a year from now, I will still have bad eating days, but they will be fewer and father between, and they won't be as bad as they were the last few months.
There are many advantages to quick weight loss, which I would like to enumerate in a later post. But one of the disadvantages is that this doesn't seem real. I don't see a thinner me when I look in the mirror. I can't get rid of my old fat clothes yet, because I think I'll need them again soon. I haven't even really started "dressing thin" yet because I sort of can't wrap my mind around it. It seems like a dream or some kind of temporary state that will come to an end soon one way or another. I mean, I truly can't believe it is working this well and is this easy--there has to be some catch.
I was looking back at my old Weight Watchers booklets--I must have 10 or 12 spanning about nine years. The first time I ever went to Weight Watchers in 1999, I started at 231. It took me 8 months to get from 231 to 203, which is where I am now, having started at 228. And I got here in less than one calendar month. It's truly incredible, to the point of seeming impossible. And it really hasn't been hard.
Well, that's enough for tonight. I'm going to go dream about Baskin Robbins cake...
Kat,
ReplyDeleteTechnically, with maintenance you can't have ice cream at first. Then you have to roll it in gradually, right...and see how your body responds. (I'm worried too, and busily preparing to counter my fear, but I AM worried.)
I think that as far as knowing what you can and can't handle--your body will tell you, and you can listen. I know I will be horrified if I have a grossly overeating incident---I hope I never choose this--but it could happen. This is what all the internal work we do results in: a way of life in which we listen to our bodies and not our minds as to what we want. And we don't overeat and override our bodies--if we do we are actively choosing to be fat.
I like to watch Intervention too.
I have severe reactive hypoglycemia and have been "off" sugar for years, often going back and going through binges. This year I became pre-diabetic, the natural progression for someone who eats sugar and is obese and hypogylcemic. My husband won't give up sugar and is diabetic. Life without sugar can be very fulfilling. I always feel so much better when I draw a VERY HARD line and have none of it. None. Ever. People eventually stop asking you. It feels good not to eat it now to me. I hate when I give in and try it because it leads to more sugar and then bingeing and then candida and yeast infections and sugar cravings.
With this diet, you've detoxed off sugar. You're in a good place for going without it, if you choose.
I think you should absolutely find a therapist, but get a GOOD one with extensive experience in eating disorders in particular. Not just anyone with general experience and qualifications. I think it's worth it (and you're worth it).
I feel like a skinny-minny, so I can't empathize with you there. But I think that you really need to SEE yourself and believe that what you have is real, and stick to the maintenance program while you get your head to catch up with your body. I'll bet you look great! If you stick to no carbs or sugars and no high-glycemic veggies/fruits you should be fine while you're working on your inner self. Maybe delay the integration of the sugars and carbs until you are ready.
It seems too good to be true to me to, but I feel like I've been given this incredible gift. A lot of it is feeling so darn good emotionally. I think I may be able to do so many things I've given up again. I feel like I look way thinner than I actually am. I think this will serve me well. BUT I am still very concerned that I not lose it all on maintenance, very concerned.
Whatever it takes for you, I think you should get support and do some personal work on the issues we will need to have addressed in maintenance. And it should be someone who allows you to learn from your own body, and take you gently along your journey, not a drill sergeant who makes up rules. We are disconnected from our bodies, and we need to learn how to listen, listen, listen. And not turn to food to deal with feelings as we did in the past.
I think 3 pounds is super for a week!