Fat Acceptance

I'm all for fat acceptance. I wish I could do it. I love the idea of waking up and looking at myself in the mirror and saying, "hot damn, but you are one gorgeous, sexy woman." I LOVE the idea of not always looking at smaller, thinner women and comparing myself to them negatively. I know it is possible to be in amazing health while technically, medically "overweight." I know thin does not always equal healthier. I know that modern standards of beauty and body size are unattainable for many women.

But here's the thing. I don't feel good at this weight. I don't feel healthy, and I don't feel attractive. When I was training for the triathlon for 3 months, I lost about 8 pounds and settled around 221 for a long time. I felt strong and fairly fit. I felt more confident in my body and size than I have in a long time. But I also felt like I would have been much faster, much less injury-prone, much more energetic if I weighed less.

Here's another truth. When I got married, I was 170. My goal weight according to Weight Watchers for my height is 169. At the time, I felt pretty good, but also felt like I wanted to lose another 10 or 20 pounds. I look back on those pictures now, and I think I look FINE at 170. I was big-boned, sure. I was zaftig. But not what anyone would call fat. I was wearing a size 12, and I'm 5'9". 

So clearly, my desire to lose weight is not just about wanting to feel healthier and look a little better, because even when I'm there, I want to keep going. I was reading a forum the other day with a woman my height whose goal weight was 135! Mine is 169! And I started to think, "oooh, maybe I should aim for more. Maybe I should aim for the low end of my healthy range instead of the high end." That insidious voice started creeping in that I will never be thin enough, pretty enough, fit enough, attractive enough, no matter what I do. It's a game I can't win.

Somewhere there must be a middle ground between "I love myself at 230 and fuck anyone who doesn't" and "I need to be the size of a fashion model to love myself." In fact there is a middle ground...basically 100 pounds of middle ground.

That's another reason I like the maintenance part of this plan. Lose some weight, and then see what it feels like to stick there for 6 weeks. I can see how my body feels at whatever weight I end up at after 40 days.

All of this thinking has me readjusting my goal weight. Weight Watchers says my goal weight should be 169. I think I'm going to shoot for 190 for now and see how I feel when I get there. Maybe I'll want to lose more, maybe I'll feel pretty good at 190.

But I think I really want to explore this space between fat acceptance and thin obsession and see where I should be according to ME (healthy, sane, kind-to-myself me, not self-hating, disparaging me) instead of according to anyone else.

Ok, then.